Turf Moor, 20.00, September 2nd, 2026. Burnley vs Boro
The kind of Lancashire drizzle that soaks through your coat and your optimism.
I’m a Boro man, sweetheart, so I’ve seen bad jobs before. This one’s got all the markings.
Burnley at home don’t spot you a nickel. You want three points out of that place, you better bring a shiv and an alibi.
Kim Hellberg won’t tell you that - he’d rather keep those cards face down on the table.
The young Swede stands on the touchline like he’s spotted a cypher that nobody else can see. Cool as Hernö gin. He’s got us playing mean and narrow - squeeze the pitch, snap into tackles, dare them to find a way through.
He’s brought his Americans and they haven’t come for the weather.
There’s Aidan Morris in the middle. He’s the guy you send when you want a door kicked in. Doesn’t talk, doesn’t smile, just wins the ball and gives it to someone in red.
Sebastian Berhalter’s beside him, reading the game like it’s a cheap paperback he’s already finished. Always two yards ahead of trouble.
Out wide, there’s Arfsten. Fast feet, faster glare. Runs at his man until something gives.
But the Americans aren’t the only gunslingers from across the Atlantic - fresh out of the World Cup, an Ecuadorian magician has emerged from the murky shadows of last season. Don’t turn your back on a reborn Jeremy Sarmiento or he’ll take you, and the ball, for a Quito shuffle.
Then there’s the new muscle. Will Lankshear, looking to make a name that isn’t just whispered in the Spurs academy. Big lad, strong, got that look in his eye like he knows where the goal is and he resents it for hiding. Turf Moor’s a hell of a place to add to your Boro tally, but I’ve walked out with greener kids who did it.
Burnley? They’re not the wide-eyed mark who got rolled on their first night in town.
The Clarets have been up the ladder, taken their licks, slid back down the fire escape, and aim to climb it again. Now they know how to clean a crime scene.
Nicky Hayen sits in their corner like a slick operator in a tailored coat, fresh off signing a three-year lease on the office.
With Josh Cullen still in the sawbones’ office and Josh Laurent doing time for his Canary red, it’s left to old Boro lag, Aaron Ramsey to pull the double shift - part runner, part minder. He arrives late and empties the room, the sort who turns up just after the trouble starts and makes sure it stays started.
Hannibal Mejbri’s the loose cannon beside him, the kind who lights fires just to watch ‘em burn - flash of temper, flash of genius. You never know which one’s gonna show up.
Between them, they won’t hit you out in the open. They’ll try to pass you to death in a phone booth, waiting for you to blink.
The crowd down Harry Potts Way don’t pay for pretty speeches. They come to watch teeth hit turf. They know the value of an elbow when the ref’s not looking, a delayed restart, a bloody 1-0. They don’t mind winning ugly, but they rarely lose pretty.
Hellberg knows it. He’ll want Morris and Berhalter turning the middle of that pitch into a dive Burnley don’t want to visit. No time, no space, no quarter.
Get Sarmiento one on one and see if their fullback likes his ankles where they are. If Lankshear gets on the end of something early, the whole script flips.
I won’t lie to you. I’ve walked out of Turf Moor with my heart in my shoes before. But this Boro side don’t scare easy.
They’ve got a Swede with a plan, three Yanks who treat every 50/50 like a coin toss they’ve already rigged, a kid from London with something to prove, and a Madrid-born Ecuadorian step-over artist with fire in his feet.
The pieces are there. Now somebody just has to blink.
It’s ninety minutes in the Lancashire rain. Could be diamonds. Could be a heist on the pitch.
That’s the racket. Boro away at Burnley. So, keep your money in your shoe and your eyes on the door. Ninety minutes is a long sentence in this town.
By the time the lights go out, somebody’s going home with the three-pointed falcon. Here’s hoping it’s wearing red.
It’s the stuff that dreams are made of, sweetheart.
Postcript
That’s got that out of my system. I wrote most of it before Saturday’s game, with lots of tinkering over the past ten days to get it ready before the midweek game. If Sarmiento isn’t fit for the Burnley match, I apologise for including him so heavily, but I don’t have time to change it all now. Similarly, I’ve had to swap out Laurent for Ramsey following the former’s red card on Saturday.
A win on Saturday was a huge plus, despite a poor performance in the first half. WBA reminded me of Boro in that they had a lot of possession but didn’t really look like scoring before half time.
Lots of plusses from the game, particularly the strength of our bench and the return of TC. Let’s hope I can muster a win at Turf Moor, although the Clarets will be desperate for a home win as their fans online are getting very restless.
What’s the view? Win, draw or lose?
This will probably be the first and last time but may I be the first to say that was a belter Martin! Loved the style and the way you put it all together - my wife wondered what I was chuckling about (no change there).
I delayed getting a ticket so will miss out on a trip to Turf Moor although I have been a few times in the past as it is a short trip for me and on a sunny afternoon or early evening a lovely drive over the tops on one of my favourite roads. That said on a wet and windy dark night not so pleasant!
As you say, the locals are restless and I don’t think it will an easy game (are any of them?) and we must be prepared to dig in, show the opposition what we have and not blink first.
We have a great squad, probably one of the best on paper that I have seen for many a year although as a certain Mr Clough said, the game is played on grass! From what I have seen KH is certainly using it well and motivating the players.
My prediction for team selection last time was a bit off although not to be deterred, I will an early stab although other selections are available and the value of your investment may go down as well as up!
Vitek
Brittain Phillips Malandra Ayling Arfsten
Morris Berhalter
Sarmiento McGree
Lankshear
As for the result, anything better than our last trip across the Pennines to the dark side will do for me although a 1 0 victory will do nicely.
UTB
Absolutely fantastic, Martin. I’m guessing it’s a tribute either to Dashiell Hammett’s ‘Maltese Falcon’ or to Raymond Chandler’s ‘The Big Sleep?’ Or it could be both? Whatever, it’s a superb piece of creative writing.
No idea which Boro will turn up at Burnley after our last disappointing trip to East Lancashire. Let’s hope it’s the one that played the second half on Saturday. I’d love to turn Burnley over. We owe them one.
Meanwhile, my preview for QPR is almost finished, though it will be very mundane compared to other writers’ efforts, as I’m currently enjoying family time in Massachusetts. I’ll probably have to leave people space to comment on the BFC game, but that might give me a problem, as I’ll be in New York from Monday and will have little time on Thursday morning. I’ll do my best.
@clive-hurren A mash up of American noir, but my inspiration was The Maltese Falcon.
Inspiration indeed! It’s really inspiring! Loved it!
Very clever and most enjoyable, Martin.
Funnily enough I recommended The Maltese Falcon last month to a friend who is running an all male Reading Group. It's one of the great American novels, and I'll probably take it away with me on holiday later this year as it's too many years ago since I last read it.The film is also a classic and more widely known and appreciated than the novel. Your affectionate pastiche catches its mood and style very well. Thanks for all of the thought and work that went in to it.
Incidentally I recall Werder saying when we first signed Riley McGree that he sounded like a 30s American gumshoe. Let's hope he can help the Boro clean up as we go down those mean streets of Burnley
Fantastic Headliner Martin.
I am not surprised that you “tinkled” with the words for a week or so. The style of the story and its flow show through to the end.
I, like most on here have no idea which Boro will turn up, or as a matter of fact, what team Hellberg will choose and the formation he will start.
Will he start safe like Saturday when by his own admission he got it wrong, or, pick a team more on the front foot.
Maybe a compromise will be the set up he changed to in the second half, which was to all intents and purpose, 3 at the back.
I also think he will rotate his squad a little and possibly start Jones. Ayling is the difficult choice, as he offers more going forward than the other defenders, but has not been at his best this season.
So tighten up at the back, get some 6 yard box coaching in with Vitek and work on getting behind the opposition defenders.
I would take a draw, but looking at Burnley’s start, we should be looking for three points.
Be cautious at the back, but brave when attacking the flanks.
Still what do I know, it will probably be none of the above.
That was brilliant Martin and I had smile on my face thoughout reading it - plus the description of the characters all sounded like it all actually made sense - loved it!
Maybe not a bad time to play Burnley under new management and struggling to adapt back to the Championship. They've lost heavily to both West Brom and Norwich, who are perhaps similar sides to Boro going forward.
With the table looking quite open with just surprise leaders Charlton on maximum points following 3 games against teams currently in the bottom six - plus only 7 teams having managed 2 wins - then I'd see this as a good opportunity to establish an early season table-topping challenge. Any points gained on the relegated clubs before they settle are going to be important!
Well remembered Len as I couldn't recall writing that line but you are right as I just searched "gumshoe" on Diasboro and yes five years ago I wrote...
Also not heard of the latest arrival in Riley McGree - who sounds like a 1930s gumshoe - so let's hope he's soon on the case!
We all remember much of what you have written over the years Werder, so it must have been, by definition, memorable.
I recall especially a lovely piece you wrote when Karanka, after swearing at and being booked by Mark Clattenberg, ordered Higgie to go down to the referee's dressing room to apologise. It was a significant breaking point in their relationship
It was a time when I took it upon myself to dish out annual awards, the Lennies, and I chose it as my Post of the Year. It should be worth a reprise. I would certainly like to see it again.
Incidentally, how did you manage to conjure up the article by searching a single word?
We had a genuinely illuminating and civil debate on here about Brexit- in the days when politics was allowed- and I wrote a piece advocating remain on the eve of the vote. In my no doubt faulty memory every dire prediction I made about leaving the EU has come to pass, including taking peace in Europe for granted. Is there any way in which I could check?
I also recall that, during Covid, the discussion on this forum which tapped into the expertise and experience of so many contributors from across the world was far more useful and informative than any of the official briefings that were coming out of the either the British or American governments. What I learned from this blog at that time may even have saved my life.
All good arguments for not being too puritanical about confining our discussions to football. As an informed information exchange this blog has few parallels
Thanks Len you're being very generous - incidentally, that imagined Higgie apology is also something I'd forgotten writing but that Karanka incident actually predates Diasboro and occurred during a 29 November, 2014 game against Blackburn - Higgie left the club as one of Karanka's assistants after that game, which led to various speculation as to why.
Anyway, you'll be pleased to hear I've discovered the post you referred to...
Here is the link on Untypical Boro
As for the Brexit discussion - well that all happened in the pre-forum era of Diasboro when it was a blog and so the search feature on the forum won't pick it up - so i would have to do some digging under the hood. Though, I've still got plans to integrate all previous seasons into an easy to use interface - maybe I'll try to sort it out before Diasboro's 10th anniversary at the beginning of January 2027.
@lenmasterman I, too, lament the loss of wider discourse on here, although I perfectly understand the problems that can arise from political discussions on any form of Social Media.
I particularly enjoy comments from members who live outside the UK, giving us a broader perspective of the world.
What an absolutely brilliant and original opening piece Martin. Thank you for sharing that.
Many of you, I am sure, will be familiar with the origins story of the Maltese Falcon, that following the loss of the Holy Land, the Holy Roman Emperor Charles V granted the islands of Malta and Gozo to the Order of St John (Knights Hospitaller) in 1530 on condition the order pay rent of one live Peregrine Falcon (known locally as a Maltese Falcon). Over time as the story goes, the order had a priceless bejewelled gold statuette made to represent this, which subsequently became the subject of Dashiell Hammet’s famous novel, with its unexpected plot twist. However, what you may not know is the origin of the Maltese Claret that forms the bedrock of Martin’s tale.
Back in the Middle Ages Augustinian Priors from Malta, evicted from the island by Turkish aggressors, were invited by King David 1 to establish the St Andrews Cathedral Priory in the royal and ancient Kyngdome of Fyfe. To enable the Priory to be sufficiently self-sufficient, the King granted land surrounding the Priory that was bounded by the sea on one side, with the land side boundary being set by the course of a well-rounded white pebble that the original Prior could strike with a rod a total of 72 times. Each distance of those 72 strokes were linked to form the full course of the boundary. Over time this boundary became known locally as the Old Course Links. For Pilgrims visiting the site the practice of attempting to strike a pebble along the boundary in 72 strokes became common, in fact many pilgrims were quite Open about trying to complete the Old Course Links in fewer than 72 strokes.
Now, later in history, during the Hundred Years War between England and France, the Scots had been reliable friends to the French, building what became well known as ‘The Auld Alliance’. As the English were finally vanquished in 1453, Charles le Victorieux (Charles VII of France) awarded an estate of vineyards in the Duchy of Guyenne (formerly known as the Duchy of Aquitaine) to the principal priory in Scotland, which was the one at St Andrews. A notional rent of one jug of the local wine ‘Clairet’ from the estate was to be paid annually to the French crown. Acknowledging the historical connection to Malta, this rent became known as the Maltese Claret. Such was the wealth accumulated by the Priory, the 25th Prior commissioned a sterling silver jug in which accurately to measure the Claret wine being submitted as rent to the French King. This jug itself became known as the Maltese Claret Jug.
As you might imagine, administering vineyards at such a distance was quite a challenge. Travel between St Andrews and Guyenne required that several resting points be established along the route. So, the Prior set up several staging outposts along the journey. These were located on the turf moor in East Lancashire; on the old show ground between Crosby and Scunthorpe in Lincolnshire; at an opulent residence just to the north of Birmingham (referred to by locals simply as ‘ the villa’); on the western fringes of the Hamme to the north-east of London; and in the Bois de Boulogne to the west of Paris. The Canons travelling between St Andrews and Guyenne famously wore claret colored robes, with sleeves and hems in the sky blue of the St Andrews Cross to denote the special relationship between St Andrews and Guyenne . This little known historical detail provides some understanding for how the football teams Burnley, Scunthorpe, Aston Villa, West Ham and Etoile des Deux Lacs (now defunct, but very successful in France in the early 20th century) that played their football on those exact staging post locations adopted such an unusual colour combination for their kits.
The Maltese Claret Jug itself was lost when the Priory at St Andrews was sacked during the Reformation. However, the tradition of pilgrims striking white pebbles along the Old Course Links did persist. So enduring were these pilgrimages, the good Burghers of St Andrews decided to establish an annual open competition for them. They would of course need a trophy to offer the victors. As fate would have it the original Maltese Claret Jug was mysteriously found on sale in an olde Antiques and Curiosity Shoppe in St Andrews in 1860.
The rest, as they say, is history.
… and if you believe any of that nonsense, then there is no hope for you !!!
@werdermouth Thanks for that Link - a trip down memory lane.
@powmillnaemore Excellent work! I really enjoyed that.
Boro Sign US Midfielder Rokas Pukstas.....
Now that is true
CoB
Thanks for the link. Just spent a delicious half-hour wandering down memory lane, and your piece still stands up.
Behind the humour lurked an issue that had the profoundest effects and led to the termination of Karanka's reign. Early on after Karanka's appointment I asked AV what language was being spoken in the dressing room and around the club, to which I was given an equivocal answer. I recalled that when Houllier was appointed at Liverpool and had signed a number of European players he gave the specific instruction that the language of the club and the dressing room was to be only English
The great cause of division at the end of AK's reign was that the players had split up at meal and other times into English and Spanish speaking groups which the Spanish speaking management hierarchy had done little to address.
I wonder what the policy is now, given the two Swedish speaking coaches around Hellberg. Of course, most Swedes are fluent in English, but I do wonder when the Swedes are communicating with one another, especially during a game, what language they are using and whether or not Aidie might accidentally be made to feel somewhat of an outsider
Yes it was great fun reading all those comments from 12 years ago - I even referenced my then 4-year old's capacity to embarrass with his blunt straight-talking and since I'd forgotten my satire of Higgygate I was able to innocently laugh at my own jokes as I hadn't heard them before 😉
Though, I'm sure Hellberg will speak English at the club as he's absolutely fluent compared to Karanka's broken English during his time in charge - though he was also a more aloof character and not very self-aware compared to the more open self-deprecating man Hellberg is.
@werdermouth just followed the link to read that again. It was very funny, but the magic in that writing was just how plausible that scene was.
Somehow you just couldn't imagine anything remotely like that haopening under KH.
Thanks Powmill - The power of satire is sometimes you end up with a more plausible version than the actual implausible official version...
Boro Sign US Midfielder Rokas Pukstas.....
Now that is true
CoB
Sounds as though we may have unearthed a little gem:
@powmillnaemore Well, I thought the story so good, that it must be true. Once more it just shows what I know and believe. ☹️
I have just spent part of the afternoon reading Martin's (wonderful) Match Preview and the posts, including whimsical ones (take a bow, Powmill) sent in reply. I have enjoyed myself VERY much. Some people on here obviously have a lot of time on their hands! But clearly it has been time well spent.
There’s reports of Boro being interested in a Hull City player which may be dependant on Hull acquiring Sorba Thomas from Stoke.
I wish it was Sorba Thomas Boro were chasing. He’s a former local here at Huddersfield and he was the stand out forward. Very direct playing as a winger- just the missing piece of Boro’s jigsaw of new recruits.
philip of Huddersfield 🤔🤔👍
I have been pleading the case for Sorba Thomas on here ever since our recruitment team scouted Huddersfield and decided that Burgzorg was the man for us.
We might have been in the Premier League a long time ago had we ever managed to sign a quality left winger, let alone one who was a Championship set-piece specialist.
@philip-of-huddersfield Was he the one you said, we should have bought instead of Burgzorg?
@pedro Yes Sorba was the one.
The locals here were pleased to get rid of Burgzorg who had a bit of pace and could ‘ beat a man’ but he would stop and have to beat him again.
His biggest frustration was not passing the ball to a teammate in a better position. I notice he didn’t do anything of note in his loan spell last season. Did he score a goal ?
philip of Huddersfield 🤔👍
Liam Millar is the Hull guy. LW apparently, 27 this month (September)
However during his time at Hull, he has had major injury issues. Not what we want.