Turf Moor, 20.00, September 2nd, 2026. Burnley vs Boro
The kind of Lancashire drizzle that soaks through your coat and your optimism.
I’m a Boro man, sweetheart, so I’ve seen bad jobs before. This one’s got all the markings.
Burnley at home don’t spot you a nickel. You want three points out of that place, you better bring a shiv and an alibi.
Kim Hellberg won’t tell you that - he’d rather keep those cards face down on the table.
The young Swede stands on the touchline like he’s spotted a cypher that nobody else can see. Cool as Hernö gin. He’s got us playing mean and narrow - squeeze the pitch, snap into tackles, dare them to find a way through.
He’s brought his Americans and they haven’t come for the weather.
There’s Aidan Morris in the middle. He’s the guy you send when you want a door kicked in. Doesn’t talk, doesn’t smile, just wins the ball and gives it to someone in red.
Sebastian Berhalter’s beside him, reading the game like it’s a cheap paperback he’s already finished. Always two yards ahead of trouble.
Out wide, there’s Arfsten. Fast feet, faster glare. Runs at his man until something gives.
But the Americans aren’t the only gunslingers from across the Atlantic - fresh out of the World Cup, an Ecuadorian magician has emerged from the murky shadows of last season. Don’t turn your back on a reborn Jeremy Sarmiento or he’ll take you, and the ball, for a Quito shuffle.
Then there’s the new muscle. Will Lankshear, looking to make a name that isn’t just whispered in the Spurs academy. Big lad, strong, got that look in his eye like he knows where the goal is and he resents it for hiding. Turf Moor’s a hell of a place to add to your Boro tally, but I’ve walked out with greener kids who did it.
Burnley? They’re not the wide-eyed mark who got rolled on their first night in town.
The Clarets have been up the ladder, taken their licks, slid back down the fire escape, and aim to climb it again. Now they know how to clean a crime scene.
Nicky Hayen sits in their corner like a slick operator in a tailored coat, fresh off signing a three-year lease on the office.
With Josh Cullen still in the sawbones’ office and Josh Laurent doing time for his Canary red, it’s left to old Boro lag, Aaron Ramsey to pull the double shift - part runner, part minder. He arrives late and empties the room, the sort who turns up just after the trouble starts and makes sure it stays started.
Hannibal Mejbri’s the loose cannon beside him, the kind who lights fires just to watch ‘em burn - flash of temper, flash of genius. You never know which one’s gonna show up.
Between them, they won’t hit you out in the open. They’ll try to pass you to death in a phone booth, waiting for you to blink.
The crowd down Harry Potts Way don’t pay for pretty speeches. They come to watch teeth hit turf. They know the value of an elbow when the ref’s not looking, a delayed restart, a bloody 1-0. They don’t mind winning ugly, but they rarely lose pretty.
Hellberg knows it. He’ll want Morris and Berhalter turning the middle of that pitch into a dive Burnley don’t want to visit. No time, no space, no quarter.
Get Sarmiento one on one and see if their fullback likes his ankles where they are. If Lankshear gets on the end of something early, the whole script flips.
I won’t lie to you. I’ve walked out of Turf Moor with my heart in my shoes before. But this Boro side don’t scare easy.
They’ve got a Swede with a plan, three Yanks who treat every 50/50 like a coin toss they’ve already rigged, a kid from London with something to prove, and a Madrid-born Ecuadorian step-over artist with fire in his feet.
The pieces are there. Now somebody just has to blink.
It’s ninety minutes in the Lancashire rain. Could be diamonds. Could be a heist on the pitch.
That’s the racket. Boro away at Burnley. So, keep your money in your shoe and your eyes on the door. Ninety minutes is a long sentence in this town.
By the time the lights go out, somebody’s going home with the three-pointed falcon. Here’s hoping it’s wearing red.
It’s the stuff that dreams are made of, sweetheart.
Postcript
That’s got that out of my system. I wrote most of it before Saturday’s game, with lots of tinkering over the past ten days to get it ready before the midweek game. If Sarmiento isn’t fit for the Burnley match, I apologise for including him so heavily, but I don’t have time to change it all now. Similarly, I’ve had to swap out Laurent for Ramsey following the former’s red card on Saturday.
A win on Saturday was a huge plus, despite a poor performance in the first half. WBA reminded me of Boro in that they had a lot of possession but didn’t really look like scoring before half time.
Lots of plusses from the game, particularly the strength of our bench and the return of TC. Let’s hope I can muster a win at Turf Moor, although the Clarets will be desperate for a home win as their fans online are getting very restless.
What’s the view? Win, draw or lose?
This will probably be the first and last time but may I be the first to say that was a belter Martin! Loved the style and the way you put it all together - my wife wondered what I was chuckling about (no change there).
I delayed getting a ticket so will miss out on a trip to Turf Moor although I have been a few times in the past as it is a short trip for me and on a sunny afternoon or early evening a lovely drive over the tops on one of my favourite roads. That said on a wet and windy dark night not so pleasant!
As you say, the locals are restless and I don’t think it will an easy game (are any of them?) and we must be prepared to dig in, show the opposition what we have and not blink first.
We have a great squad, probably one of the best on paper that I have seen for many a year although as a certain Mr Clough said, the game is played on grass! From what I have seen KH is certainly using it well and motivating the players.
My prediction for team selection last time was a bit off although not to be deterred, I will an early stab although other selections are available and the value of your investment may go down as well as up!
Vitek
Brittain Phillips Malandra Ayling Arfsten
Morris Berhalter
Sarmiento McGree
Lankshear
As for the result, anything better than our last trip across the Pennines to the dark side will do for me although a 1 0 victory will do nicely.
UTB
Absolutely fantastic, Martin. I’m guessing it’s a tribute either to Dashiell Hammett’s ‘Maltese Falcon’ or to Raymond Chandler’s ‘The Big Sleep?’ Or it could be both? Whatever, it’s a superb piece of creative writing.
No idea which Boro will turn up at Burnley after our last disappointing trip to East Lancashire. Let’s hope it’s the one that played the second half on Saturday. I’d love to turn Burnley over. We owe them one.
Meanwhile, my preview for QPR is almost finished, though it will be very mundane compared to other writers’ efforts, as I’m currently enjoying family time in Massachusetts. I’ll probably have to leave people space to comment on the BFC game, but that might give me a problem, as I’ll be in New York from Monday and will have little time on Thursday morning. I’ll do my best.
@clive-hurren A mash up of American noir, but my inspiration was The Maltese Falcon.
Inspiration indeed! It’s really inspiring! Loved it!
Very clever and most enjoyable, Martin.
Funnily enough I recommended The Maltese Falcon last month to a friend who is running an all male Reading Group. It's one of the great American novels, and I'll probably take it away with me on holiday later this year as it's too many years ago since I last read it.The film is also a classic and more widely known and appreciated than the novel. Your affectionate pastiche catches its mood and style very well. Thanks for all of the thought and work that went in to it.
Incidentally I recall Werder saying when we first signed Riley McGree that he sounded like a 30s American gumshoe. Let's hope he can help the Boro clean up as we go down those mean streets of Burnley