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I suspect even St Jude – the patron saint of lost causes – will be planning on giving this game a miss if he’s glanced at the fixtures. Though when the Saints come marching in at the Riverside on Saturday it will be a timely reminder for sections within the broad church of Boro supporters as to whether Steve Gibson can still be regarded as being in their number. Whilst many will regard as heresy the notion that the previously sanctified saviour of Boro is having his credentials openly questioned, many lost souls are looking for signs of salvation after the club appears to have been left wandering aimlessly in the gloom of Premiership purgatory.

The seeds of hope planted on the back of promotion withered and eventually died on the stony silence of those in charge as they watched and waited for a second-coming of Boro’s winning ways that never came. Patience is normally regarded as a virtue but instead the Boro faithful had their’s tested as the defensive zeal of their managerial messiah ultimately revealed him to be a false prophet. This inertia towards desperately needed change has left aspersions from even the most devout of Boro followers now being cast in the direction of our most worthy of football chairmen in the belief he has committed the cardinal sin of taking his eye off the ball.

In the end Steve Gibson made the call but instead chose to put his faith in the novice Steve Agnew to oversee a resurrection of Boro’s season – a decision that unfortunately failed to inspire a change of sufficient magnitude to ascend the table. Though, whilst final decisions are ultimately the responsibility of the Boro owner it should be pointed out that those choices will be no doubt made at board level and Steve Gibson will weigh up the opinions and advice of those around him before acting.

Whatever the advice that has been proffered by those around him, it appears to have been ill-conceived. It now looks like all the careful preparations to build a squad capable of thriving in the Premiership environment left the club with too many projects, with delivery timelines that far exceeded the intended deadline for which they were purchased. By all means take on board a few punts but Boro ended up with more punts than busy August bank holiday along the River Cam.

I lean more towards the view that Steve Gibson has been let down by those in key positions and has found himself having to fire-fight, which has probably led him into making wrong decisions. It’s inconceivable that the Boro chairman has had any significant role in identifying players but it puts into question the structure of the club that no-one took an overview of the squad and decided whether it was fit for purpose.

If Boro have gone down the road of having a head coach who is provided with players by a collective management team then it would be interesting to know how and why players are chosen. I understand the reasoning behind that approach but surely an experienced Director of Football working closely with the Head Coach would provide a better solution. Have either Steve Gibson or Neil Bausor ended up as a de facto director of football? Despite their knowledge, it’s probably a role beyond their ability as it requires someone capable of building a squad fit for the task at hand – I suspect this situation arose following Strachan’s Scottish splurge that ended with a bunch of overpaid failed players draining the owner’s deep pockets as Mogga was left to make do and mend.

So it’s now vitally important as Boro are turned away from the promised land of Premiership riches, they fully understand the mistakes that were made as a squad seemingly not fit for purpose was assembled with haste – otherwise they are destined to repent at their leisure in the Championship. Hopefully the club are now in the process of planning effectively to ensure best use of their two-year parachute payments are made in order to facilitate a speedy return.

I’ve seen no attractive argument that advocates Steve Gibson selling his stake and handing control to outside ownership – though the Football League is littered with numerous examples where this ruse of investment has gone badly wrong and has left supporters of other clubs desperate to oust their mercenary owners – just look at the game of chicken that unfolded at Blackburn as the Venky’s plucked a top-flight club out of the Premier League and have taken them down to League One. We should not forget that Steve Gibson has not only bankrolled the club but he has given the club it’s ethos and it remains an integral part of the local community.

OK, the Boro chairman’s halo may have slipped a little this season – and a few Roger-Moore-like eyebrows may have no doubt been raised over past decisions – but I suspect his intentions were true even if the execution was suspect. I suppose a vague comparison between the characters of the small-screen Saint and Steve Gibson could be made but only one has been described thus – ‘despite having a strict moral code he takes money from the criminally rich and gives to the poor and deserving while keeping a nice percentage for himself’ – and I suspect any reasonably priced lawyer will tell you that sounds more like a fictional character.

In the end it may be a case of ‘better the devil you know’ as we need look no further than our Local rivals to see the mess club owners make on a regular basis – Do we really want a Mike Ashley, Ellis Short or god forbid Massimo Cellino in charge of our club? Saints they are not and I’ve seen no indication that any of their supporters are planning a trip to Rome in order to persuade the Pope to canonise them.

Although, those educated in the Holgate will no doubt be familiar with the folklore associated with one particular pilgrimage to the Vatican by our north-east rivals, but I suspect few will be aware of the full story behind that famous terrace chant.

All the Geordies went to Rome just to see the Pope,
All the Geordies went to Rome just to see the Pope,
All the Geordies went to Rome just to see the Pope,
and this is what he said…

Nemo enim ipsam voluptatem quia voluptas sit aspernatur aut odit aut fugit, sed quia consequuntur magni dolores eos qui ratione voluptatem sequi nesciunt. Neque porro quisquam est, qui dolorem ipsum quia dolor sit amet, consectetur, adipisci velit, sed quia non numquam eius modi tempora incidunt ut labore et dolore magnam aliquam quaerat voluptatem.

This rather unexpected response left them somewhat dumbfounded, as unfortunately all the Geordies in the party had opting against studying O-level Latin in their formative years – indeed anecdotal evidence suggests even English was a struggle for most of them. Though thankfully as they convened later in a local bar, they were ably assisted by a pidgeon fancier from South Bank who was on a scouting mission in St Peter’s Square and he kindly helped them piece together a translation. It’s fair to say, the Geordies were genuinely shocked to discover that not only was the Pope a Boro admirer but he’d also dropped the F-bomb in conjunction with the word dynamite – explosive stuff!

Whilst this translation was widely accepted on the terraces of Ayresome Park the story did have a few obvious anomalies – firstly it most-likely wasn’t ‘all’ the Geordies, this was pre-Ryan Air and the logistics of simultaneously transporting so many people to Rome would seem to suggest artistic licence had been deployed to simply exaggerate the numbers. Secondly, the precise question posed to the Pope by let’s say half-a-dozen or so Geordies concerning the immaculately conceived nature of their trophy cabinet was: “As long-suffering Newcastle supporters, will we ever get the chance to enjoy actually winning something?“ Incidentally, scholars have since deduced that the Pontif’s Latin reply was in fact a quote from Cicero, which actually translates as:

No one rejects, dislikes, or avoids pleasure itself, because it is pleasure, but because those who do not know how to pursue pleasure rationally encounter consequences that are extremely painful.

Wise words indeed, and now that our friends up the road have captured the Championship title this season, they are now in some generous eyes technically no longer trophy virgins – OK they’ve waited a long time for this moment, so let’s take a leaf out of Antonio Conte and applaud them on finally ending their years of pain and let’s hope the HMRC investigation doesn’t put rain cheque on their parade.

Anyway, I’ve almost forgot, Boro play their final Premier League home game of the season on Saturday – though to be honest it’s not a match I’m in anyway eagerly anticipating. It’s the deadest of dead-rubbers in a dead-end season that can’t redeem anything that has gone before – if Boro put in a performance and win convincingly it would surely only provoke the sentiment of exasperation as supporters wonder why they waited until it was too late. A safe bet would be 0-0 as the players from both sides try to avoid a beach-preventing injury – we’ll probably see the most urgency on the lap of ‘honour’ at the end as Adama finally faces stiff competition in the sprinting stakes. Perhaps Boro watchers will be keenly observing Ben Gibson’s goodbye to see if it appears to indicate a permanent farewell.

So will the Saints steal a march on Boro and leave us miserable as sin? Or will we witness the guilty pleasure of victory as Boro belatedly bedevil their opponents? I know many of you will remain professional to the end and will be keen on giving your predictions on the line-up, score and scorers – plus who will win the eagerly awaited lap of honour sprint and be first down the tunnel?

When the Premiership fixtures came out last summer this was one of the first ones Boro fans went searching for and upon finding it we realised it was part of a very tough end to the season. All the big boys loaded into the final few weeks predetermined our fate. If we didn’t pick up points and wins during the season building a buffer zone these final few weeks would be punishing.

As foreseeable and predictable as it was somehow it wasn’t clear to AK and others at the club. Grinding our way to draws just about kept us out of the bottom three for the first half of the Season but as warned those fixtures were the bread and butter required for our sustenance. The list of those “lost” games is now too many and too repetitively boring to repeat but the consequence of attacking apathy had now left us with a mountain to climb at the home of the Premiership Champions in waiting. With Boro scoring 26 goals all season to Chelsea’s 72 the likelihood of any upset was remote to say the least with even bookies giving out generous odds of over 20/1 for an away win.

As if to mirror our season a Boro Team Bus Crash en route to Stamford Bridge was the prelude to the warm up. The Boro line up was probably what most of us would have selected meaning no Gaston. Chelsea kicked off with tempo and Guzan pulled off a brilliant save in the second minute to palm away a close range Alonso shot onto the crossbar thanks to Traore leaving his man. Five minutes later Alonso again lost Traore and put a harmless cross in this time. The opening minutes looked nervy but Boro seemingly settled down winning a corner and then Traore putting a deft chip in to Negredo that was cleared. That was as good as our evening got, Fabio nicked the ball from Costa 25 yards out but in typical premiership fashion a foul was awarded against Boro for this time Costa’s artistic impression. Luiz’s resulting free kick fortunately sailed well over.

Minutes later Fabio again picked up the ball and brought it out of defence but his resultant pass to Traore ended up with Adama hanging on to it for far too long and losing possession gifting Chelsea another opportunity. On twenty minutes George Friend managed to just edge Costa off the ball a shin-guard’s length from the goal line much to Diego’s displeasure and more histrionics. Two minutes later Fabio won possession yet again and tried to work the ball out but instead of running to provide an option, Adama simply stood in his way looking lost again and the ball likewise lost was then played to the other side of the box only for a Fabregas cross to come in and 1-0 to Chelsea as Costa slotted home past a despairing Fabio.

On Thirty three minutes Chelsea were dancing around in front of the Middlesbrough back nine about thirty yards out with none of de Roon, Clayton or Forshaw putting a challenge in and another identical cross to the Chelsea left saw another attempt from Alonso as they had been doing all night only this time with a goal blasted through the spread-eagled Guzan from close range 2-0. Friend and Downing had been keeping things quiet on their flank but Fabio had to do all the work himself on the right outgunned, out manned and out manoeuvred. Traore had reverted to wandering, looking lost, disconnected with what was happening around him, dazzled by the fairground lights again, brilliant footballing feet but an echo chamber upstairs.

Clayton and Forshaw were now simply being ignored by Chelsea and de Roon’s attempts to get forward inevitably thwarted by blue shirts led to another offensive movement and the pressure back on the Boro rearguard. Boro tried to mount a little pressure but in truthfulness it was too slow and predictable with no threat and inevitably petered out. The half ended with Chelsea toying with the back nine again and only Ref Craig Pawson’s whistle saved Boro blushes from an inevitable third goal as they sat off the Blue shirts just outside our 18 yard box.

There wasn’t much Agnew could do at half time, Barragan and Espinosa were hardly going to change the game nor was Guedioura or Leadbitter at this level. Gestede and Bamford were the only two options that may offer something different but that would require getting hold of the ball and retaining it let alone mount an attack. The second half kicked off and Chelsea grazed the crossbar within seconds. Boro won a free kick on forty seven minutes but managed to get themselves offside from a stationary ball.

On fifty five minutes Grant came on for Forshaw presumably in the hope that a Boro midfielder would maybe read the game and get a tackle in. Bamford also came on at the same time for the lad on the left dazzled by the fairground lights. A brief forty-five second cameo of Boro in the Chelsea half ensued and then normal service resumed with Chelsea toying with the packed Boro defence. So packed that nobody had a clue what on earth they were supposed to be doing and so it was that in a box packed with Red shirts Matic chested the ball down and 3-0.

Trademark static passing continued from Boro as no runs were made and no pace injected with balls easily read and cut out. Then on sixty eight minutes Grant unleashed an 40 yard shot that had Courtois getting down quickly to smother Boro’s only attempt. A minute later Costa went through with his studs on Guzan’s chest with Costa once again claiming he had been shot with a howitzer from the back of the stand, rolling theatrically in faux agony.

The next twenty minutes saw a lot of Chelsea possession with a little bit more Boro intent as Chelsea’s thoughts seemingly turned to West Brom and Friday night. With eight minutes to go Gestede came on for Negredo and that pretty much summed up Boro’s intent for the season. With two minutes of the ninety remaining Bamford received a yellow for taking down Alonso near the by-line which was a darn sight closer than Traore got to him all night.

And so Boro’s Premiership visit came to an inglorious end with barely a ball kicked in anger, well goal-wards at least. We came, we saw, we didn’t fancy it and never really gave it a go. Questions should be asked but they won’t, at least Ben Gibson gave an honest assessment of things after the whistle much to his credit. MOM were the traveling Boro fans who sang their hearts out for the lads.

The Battle of Stamford Bridge Society are in the process of producing a complementary tapestry to the Bayeux and Fulford ones to commemorate this historical event and have recently been sending test designs to ‘enthusiastic embroiderers’. Though Boro’s season has already been well and truly stitched up due to a prolonged lack of a cutting edge and no amount of embroidering will create a picture other than one of an opportunity missed. Though before they finalise their designs they may want to consider saving a corner of the canvas in anticipation of Monday evening’s epic encounter as our Premiership future hangs by a ever-fraying thread. But Steve Agnew’s men must soldier on – so as they march south for the potential king-maker skirmish at the Bridge they must try to be brave in their approach.

Following the demise of Aitor the Confessor earlier in the year (though admittedly he only confessed to not having a Plan B and wanting to weave a soporific tippy-tapestry spell over the opposition) a lack of a clear succession meant pretenders to the precarious Boro throne are now openly starting to stake their claim. News that waiting in the wings are Ryan from the House of Lancaster and Fabrizio of Perugia have hardly been met with much support, therefore Lord Gibson of Bulkhaul will do well to take wise council before presenting the crown to any of these young pretenders.

Boro followers have got used to having their weekends ruined this season and the potential of being relegated at Chelsea would more than eclipse the misery that has been endured previously. Thankfully those in charge have taken pity and come up with a rather ingenious solution – play the game on a Monday evening. Though I suspect that may fall under the category of cruel and unusual punishment for many as the agony of long-anticipated relegation is simply prolonged – with some bookies offering odds of more than 20-1 that Boro come away with all three desperately-needed points.

Indeed, the Italian three-piece-suited footballing fashion victim and Chelsea manager Antonio Conte had declared Monday’s encounter will be between two desperate teams who would both be desperate to win – though that was before Spurs not only ruined their supporters weekend but gave them a miserable Friday evening as an added bonus by losing to the Hammers. So instead the game will now feature only one desperate team and another with a free hit to all but clinch the title.

Incidentally, I think Steve Agnew should try not to be intimidated on the touchline by the over-dressed over-animated Italian as he repeatedly de-tousles his flowing mane in his technical catwalk in homage to yet another smart Chelsea move. Perhaps rather than turning up in his sensible fit-for-purpose SA-monogrammed tracksuit, the Boro boss should instead front up in top hat and tails, in fact maybe the whole coaching staff should too, in an attempt to usurp the opposition in the best-dressed stakes. Though there’s always a risk of appearing like a group of undertakers and sending a negative message to the players that they are anticipating attending the post-match funeral of Boro’s season. OK, maybe post-apocalyptic Matrix-style long leather coats would make a suitable statement instead as Boro try to dodge the slow-motion relegation bullet – it’s never an easy decision for the discerning up-and-coming coach to know what look to go for in a big game these days – perhaps the FA probably need to create a style badge.

To make matters worse, the Tigers are set to do battle with the already doomed Black Cats in what now looks like a feline mismatch that will attract condemnation of those opposed to cruel sports. Whether the announcement by David Moyes that he intends to be manager at Sunderland next season will slap his players out of their relegation-induced vacant trance is debatable – though speculation that Aitor Karanka is preparing to return to football at the Wearside club has been emanating from the Spanish media this week. Shall we expect future declarations from the former Boro boss if he’s under fire that “When I first came here there were only 38,000 in the ground, now we play in front of a full house”. He also may discover quite quickly that Ellis Short is not as patient as Steve Gibson when it comes to goal droughts.

If that wasn’t enough, the last day of the season is likely to see Hull now hosting the crest-fallen Spurs cockerels, who now look certain to miss out once again on the title they covet – while Boro travel to Anfield where Liverpool will probably be fully focused on needing something to secure a Champions League slot over one of the Manchester clubs.

The good news is that Steve Agnew may have identified a weakness in the Chelsea side – though he prefers to keep it a secret as Boro look to exploit the chink in the Blues flank. I suspect the Chelsea defensive lines may be vulnerable to charging cavalry and it’s possible Adama may be used as some form of battering ram – also as Boro lay siege to the Chelsea in the latter stages they may consider introducing the trebuchet to launch projectiles in the direction of Gestede as he stands behind enemy lines. Whether Conte has managed to identify any Boro weaknesses may have a greater impact on proceedings as he has far more weapons at his disposal than we could possibly dream of possessing.

As for team selection, Agnew is still without Viktor Valdes and Ayala and Leadbitter are doubtful – also after sitting out his one-match ban, Gaston Ramirez was left to hang by the Boro boss last week following his return to availability for selection. But it now seems the former king of the Riverside has developed a pelvic problem – though it’s possible he may still be all shook up from his Transporter Bridge bungee experience and is suffering a bit of whiplash – but those of suspicious minds who have observed his career shenanigans (as they say in Uruguay) may want to tell ‘the pelvis’ that ‘you ain’t nothin but a groundhog, cryin [wolf] all the time’ – no doubt return to sender is probably on the club’s end-of-season playlist.

I can’t see Boro playing anything other than keeping it tight as their best hope is not to need come from behind – and with a bit of luck having something to defend. The fact that Chelsea play with a back three may encourage Boro to follow suit – but a back four of Fabio, Chambers, Gibson and Friend with the three-man defensive shield of Clayton, de Roon and Forshaw is probably most likely – I think Downing, Negedo and Adama rather than Stuani is a better option as we need to give Chelsea’s wing-backs something to occupy their minds if we are to avoid being pinned in our own half.

So will our Premiership fate by sewn up on Monday evening or will Boro soldier on after a defiant act of regicide at Stamford Bridge – as usual make your predictions on team, score and scorers – plus how many players will battering-ram Adama skittle over as he’s launched at the Chelsea defensive lines?

Before the season kicked off in August a number of learned regular posters proffered their thoughts and expectations back on Untypical Boro – So before we pass judgement on the evidence brought before us as Boro’s season enters the dock – I’ve briefly disabled the WordPress swear filter and retrospectively swore in a jury of 12 yet-to-be-angry men (or possibly women). These distinguished pillars (other labels are available) of the blog sat round a virtual table to deliberate and give their pre-season verdict under an oath of an unwavering allegiance to the mighty Boro. They stroked their virtual beards and raised their furrowed browsers as they anticipated the trials and tribulations that lay ahead in the return to top-flight football.

So as Boro lie in their self-made death bed, it’s time to hear the truth, the whole (edited) truth and nothing but the truth of what people anticipated back in August. After donning their false beards, mustaches and over-sized hats, our puritanical disguised blog jurors opinions have been labelled 1-12 with their names replaced with a short descriptive phrase. There are some clues in their comments as to who they might be – maybe even some of you can identify them or even spot your own words in some cases. I’ll reveal which poster belongs to which number later in the week. Note, I’ve extracted parts of comments and edited down some for the sake of brevity, since many of us are not adverse to writing the odd lengthy post.

Anyway, some interesting insights mixed in with a bit of humour, apprehension and in some cases perhaps a large lung-full of foam fumes were inhaled prior to writing… So at the risk of looking like an auctioneer in a badly advised wig, doing a less than feeble impression of the Mighty Thor as I wield my small wooden hammer of truth – Order! Order! Silence in the court of public opinion…

Juror 1: Do I not like Watford?

Then, there’s the ‘do a Watford’ theme. [Responding to AV suggesting Boro could try to emulate Watford] Is that the same Watford who sacked their manager halfway through the season when they went all wobbly and then they managed to nurse the sick patient over the winning line before all the lights went out. God, how I wish we do a Watford (not!!!), as the Riverside will be like a morgue after January and even Leo will be looking through the gaps in his fingers as AK spins madly around screaming at the players in the dressing room, telling them how they simply aren’t working hard enough and he’s never going to manage such a bunch of wastlings ever again in all eternity.

Then, a draw becomes the new win. Happy Days!!!!! Bring it on.

Juror 2: Not happy with just surviving

I can’t say I’d be happy with 17th place this season – it would mean we’ve endured a hard slog of a season with very little to cheer about and will probably mean we’ll lose twice as many games as we’ll win.

So happy wouldn’t be the word for me as it would have meant our signings didn’t come off and Karanka wasn’t able to get to grips with the league and questions will be asked if another season could be risked.

I prefer to look at the PL as two or maybe three leagues – The obvious big boys of Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool, Man City, Man Utd and Spurs – plus I’d add Leicester and West Ham on the merit of their previous season.

But that leaves a second league of 12 clubs who if they get it right can finish close to eighth – but if they don’t get their act together consistently then a season around the drop zone awaits them. So for the rest, take away the PL hype and the notion of spending big equates to anything other than it often just wastes cash if the team dynamics are wrong.

Boro have momentum and have bedded in a few new signings in pre-season and have a tried and tested method of playing that everyone buys into – this means to me that I’m looking at 10th spot as proof that everything from Steve Gibson’s financial backing, the new recruitment team, Karanka’s tactics and the team spirit and work ethic are on the money.

Therefore, other than the obvious of just avoiding relegation, I don’t think anyone at the club should be ‘happy’ – perhaps relieved would be the word after the last game if that was our final position.

Happy to avoid relegation is just a cliche to disguise the fact that a club got it wrong – We’ve seen plenty of clubs punch above their financial status with Leicester being the ultimate example.

This season won’t be easy but that’s the challenge everyone should be up for – including the fans. We need a good start and the opening fixtures have give us a chance – after that it’s about keeping focused and working hard.

Prediction: 11th

Juror 3: Under no illusions

I too enjoyed last season and was lucky enough to be able to see every game. It was full of thrills, excitement, anguish, fear and every other emotion imaginable.

I’m under no illusion of what this season will be like. Points will be harder to win, and if we follow the trend of most promoted clubs nearly half of our games will be defeats. Staying up is the priority and if we aren’t embroiled in a relegation fight then it will be a bonus.

I hope all the new season ticket holders realise this, I could never understand why we didn’t sell out week after week last season when there was almost an 80% chance we would win and now people have come back in their thousands for Premier League football and a 50% chance of seeing a defeat and no doubt a couple of pastings.

Juror 4: Hoping to finish above Sunderland

Predicting a season with any degree of confidence is troublesome. There is the best part of a month left of the summer transfer window, another to come in January and, most significant of all, many managerial sackings to come. However, it has never stopped us before so what the heck…

As noted previously, I see the Premier League as consisting of three sections with ourselves in the bottom group along with Bournemouth, Burnley, Crystal Palace, Hull, Sunderland, Swansea, Watford and West Brom. There will be clubs that surprise in both directions but I think we can realistically finish anywhere from 12th down.

There are reasons to be optimistic, though – some regarding our good work, some related to our competitors relative shortcomings. AV was right to say that we are several years behind other clubs in terms of Premier League experience and nous. But in some ways we are ahead.

Take Sunderland for example. They have changed managers once again and have achieved little in terms of recruitment. Moyes will want his own players signed and to have his own ideas imprinted. It will take time.

Boro on the other hand appear to have been working towards this moment for some time. Our style and “philosophy” are established and we have recruited swiftly, in numbers and to a thought-out plan. In those terms, we appear well ahead of Sunderland and start the season with a momentum that left Sunderland with Allardyce. We can have justified hope of finishing above them.

Burnley and Hull, cannot claim to have much more Premier League experience and nous. To me, both appear to have worse squads than the last time they were in this division (no Ings or Trippier for Burnley this time) and, though I’m sure the The Clarets will be combative and competitive, I think we have passed them in the pit lane and will finish above them whilst Hull, as far as I’m concerned, are already relegated and dead last at that.

So, whilst I agree with AV’s assessment that this season is going to be very different to the last couple and we are going to have to get used to losing games again, I feel we are in a better position than 4 or 5 others – I predict 15th.

Juror 5: Heightened level of expectations

For a multitude of reasons I would expect Hull to be a car crash in slow motion so that leaves two others for the drop. Burnley and Boro would be the likely favourites and it appears that Burnley like last time around won’t be splashing serious cash, seemingly content with a Yo Yo existence which if that means the club is kept solvent and run sensibly then who am I to knock it? Just ask Leeds, Pompey or Bolton fans.

There is usually at least one “established” (even if for only a couple of Seasons) Premier club that drops out (Swansea, Palace, Makems, Baggies, who knows?) so on that basis I would guesstimate that either Burnley or Boro will survive but my heart ruling my head means I’m going with Boro of course. That 17th place is not so insurmountable after all, at least in my mind.

Now throw into the mix the arrival of a serious number crunching analyst behind the scenes. Experienced recruiters in place and consequently the arrival of nearly a full team sourced from far and wide who on paper indicate a significant uplift in both experience and hopefully quality and I am expecting more than 17th. The 17th position I reckon is achievable with last years squad so with the newbies on board I’m expecting a more credible and comfortable finish with over 45 points achieved and more likely 48 to 52 points recorded come next May.

I predict my forthcoming “whingeing” potential will be benchmarked by my heightened level of expectations even accepting of the fact that probably two or more of our recruits will be unmitigated duffers. nb. Thats a whole post and I haven’t once mentioned the Kit, Gastric Band or Adidas!

Juror 6: Keeping it short

I’ll keep it short – Boro to get 60 (Sixty) points, I would imagine that should be enough to stave off relegation.

Juror 7: Hoping for a good finish

I would like to add that we were as good as Sunderland, Newcastle etc. already last season. And we have momentum now. And a few additions to the squad – some very good. And a very good manager. So I hope we fare as well as Watford and Bournemouth did last season in the PL.

I think even AK mentioned Bournemouth as an example for Boro in spring. I see Bournemouth were 16th and Watford were 13th last season. So our goal must be somewhere between 14th and 15th in the league.

So my prediction is 14th. I hope we will do better and finish in around 10th. But I will be happy with a survival and hence predict Boro to finish at 14th place.

Juror 8: Living the dream

In my dreams I have us surprising more than a few teams this season, as well as the BBC pundits, and clocking 52 points or more. However, in my more sanguine moments when I do a run through the fixtures I realise that is perhaps not likely.

So, I am hoping for between 45 and 48 points for us this season, which should be enough to see us finish between 10th and 14th. I’ll plump for 13th place (unlucky for some).

Juror 9: Don’t drop like a stone

The vital thing this season is that we do not get relegated. 17th would achieve the same result for us this season that the promotion we were all ecstatically celebrating only a few weeks ago did last season. It’s that important,and would be no mean feat.

Consolidating our finances and our enhanced status, and providing a springboard for further development of both the club and the area are all at stake in securing that safety spot.

Of course, I hope that we do better than 17th. But I would have liked to have seen one more signing of genuine quality to augment the efficiency and organisational qualities that we undoubtedly possess in order to secure it.

Another signing of Ramirez-like quality to add some inspiration to all of that perspiration. I still believe that that is what we need to guarantee the mid-table security we all hope for.

As we know there is always one club that drops like a stone towards the end of the season. We will need to have plenty of points in the bag to ensure that it’s not us.

16th for me then, but, I’m not arguing with Ben Gibson – I’d take 17th now.

Juror 10: It does not get any better

For me, personally this is it, competing in the greatest domestic league in world football, it does not get any better and I am determined to enjoy every match as they come along. I had actually forgotten all about the coup and the Charlton debacle, I am excellent at holding grudges, but all that seems like years ago and immaterial now.

We have had a deep pre-season, cleverly structured friendly matches, each team we have played better than the last in my opinion, generally preparing well. Recruiting, we seem to have made some good prudent choices without breaking the bank while keeping the sprit together. Negredo, for me if we can get the ball to him he could be phenomenal.

If we take our chances, keep errors to a minimum, ride our luck I think a mid 40’s points tally could be achievable. If Bournemouth and Watford could do it then so can we.

Juror 11: A load of old trout

I posted some time ago we were building a squad to compete with the lower part of the table. We haven’t spent squillions though the wage bill would make us wince if we knew it. It may be we have some bargains amongst those signings, we don’t know.

What we do have to remember that summer business is a bit like a trout stream. If you stand and watch a swim you will see a hierarchy in operation. The biggest trout has the best position to take the food being washed down stream, the rest hold station according to their size.

Before relegation we were down the food chain, after it we fed on scraps, we have gradually moved up the pecking order. How quickly you get your squad sorted and with what level of quality depends on the perceived attractiveness of the club.

Last summer we were a top six championship club, the summer before a mid table team, the summer before that a club that had imploded.

Now we are a promoted club, that is all. For now. If things go well we could develop in to a Premier league side. Many come straight back down, many come down second season.

To put our summer in to perspective Bournemouth have spent £37m, Palace £23m, Watford £21m, plus of course loans etc. Others have spent less but they are all teams who stayed up and are building on that experience. They all have scouting systems and access to the same data we have.

Fellow promoted sides Hull and Burnley seem to be preparing for a swift return but you cant be certain how they will get on.

Staying up would be success.

Juror 12: Relegation certs

Prediction: 18th.

Reasons:

1. Lack of attacking threat – some very interesting signings in the summer none of which adequately address our core problem of lack of pace and creativity in attacking areas. Fischer looks no better than Reach to these eyes and once again we’ll be overly reliant on Ramirez to provide a cutting edge, assuming Karanka plays him in the no 10 role which is far from certain. Negredo will struggle, as he did at Valencia, without the kind of service that he took for granted at City and Sevilla.

2. Discipline – Karanka’s main tactic of aggressive defending, tactical fouling and harassing officials will be neutralised by much less tolerant Premier League officials applying tougher new laws. Clayton was booked 14 times in the Championship, unless he adapts quickly he’ll miss more than he plays and De Roon looks even more of a liability on that front. I predict a glut of sendings off undermining our chances in the early crucial fixtures accompanied by a variety of lame excuses from a bemused Karanka.

3. Temperament – largely Karanka’s which will be tested to a much greater degree in the high pressure environment than it was in the Championship (where he almost imploded)

4. No plan B – or, perhaps more accurately, not adapting our Plan A when things don’t go our way. If it was an issue in the Championship, how much more of a problem in the Premier League when things won’t go our way a lot of the time.

I could be wrong. We could be OK – 17th perhaps – or 16th maybe, with a bit of luck, but equally don’t rule out 19th or 20th. No one can be too sure. The only thing I am sure about is that at some point in the next few months,probably as we’re leaking a third at home against the “likes of ” Palace or Bournemouth, we’ll be wishing we were back in the good old Championship with Dimi and Grant and Albert strolling to a two-nil win against Rotherham.

Not scoring goals and losing a lot soon becomes a grind, even if you keep repeating to yourself “It’s the Greatest League in the World, it’s the Greatest League in the World…

Hull clinging to a draw yesterday PM with a last gasp penalty save seemed a tipping point perhaps. Although it was only a single solitary point with games running out fast Boro would now appear to require snookers to have any chance of overhauling a seven point gap at this stage of the season. Meanwhile our NE Neighbours had confirmed for certain what they had known for months that next season their football would be in the Championship.

Apart from the Barcodes (HMRC investigation aside) football fate has been very cruel for the North East this season, very cruel indeed. Darlington’s long climb back has been barred because of what now looks like an ill-advised or poorly planned move back into the town preventing them from taking part in the play-offs. Pools look to be finally about to drop through the League trapdoor after decades of dancing around it apart from a singular short lived purple patch in the mid noughties when they lost the League 1 play-off final to Boro’s possible Premiership play off replacements Sheffield Wednesday. York continued their slide with a second successive relegation which serves as a warning that once you lose your grip on a slope the slide downwards can gather momentum very quickly. Gloomy backdrop or what!

At this time of the season some strange results do occur as nerves, injuries and desperation start to take hold. While from a North east perspective relatively speaking City’s situation was far from desperate Pep Guardiola has had a massively disappointing season by Sultan Standards. Failure to achieve Champions League status is unthinkable and likely sackable so the pressure was on both sides come 2.00pm.

The team announcements indicated that City would go with three at the back and two up front. Agnew reverted to a typical Karanka set up with a playing away from home at home set up. The first 90 seconds looked ominous as City bizarrely dressed in black showed their intent and tore into us from the off and an Aguero cross flew across the Boro six yard box with Guzan and the Boro back line terrified to touch it as the merest flick could have sent it into the net. Fortunately there were no other Black shirts close enough in the Boro box and the ball continued its trajectory across the pitch out of harms way.

Stuani wide right again had a few of us bemoaning the lack of pace and credible tracking back. The lad done his best but it was clear throughout that he never has been and never will be a wide player; his selection was more likely down to trust and predictability rather than ability in the role. Aggers had clearly decided that only those upon whom he could depend would be starting. As the first half progressed City as expected had the bulk of possession, passed and moved very quickly causing us all sorts of problems. It was anxious watching but as fifteen then twenty minutes passed Boro were growing in stature and the Karankaesque composure and defensive solidity caused great frustration for City and their Manager. This was the opportunity to put some breathing space between themselves and their neighbours but Boro hadn’t read the script.

Not only were Boro defending stoically we were also breaking out, creating chances and causing consternation in the City box. As much as Stuani and Fabio had to fend off assaults on their flank George looked to be back to his former self and along with Stewy were making progress and sending balls into the box. Negredo was battling and scrapping but again isolated as Stuani struggled to perform attack and defensive duties. De Roon however looked like he was up for repeating his Sunderland heroics and had a few forward looking forays one of which resulted in a 25 yard rocket that went wide but showed that City were in a game and made a statement. Meanwhile as the half progressed Clayts and Forshaw let de Bruyne and co. know they were in a game, snapping at expensive yellow socked heels. Fernadinho should have seen a straight Red for a forearm smash across Claytons face as he danced past three black shirts but Ref Friend seemed to think it was an accidental forearm smash. Unbelievable!

At the back Chambers and Gibson were in top form, the whole Boro team were unrecognisable from the one that meandered through against Sunderland midweek. As the half was entering its final phase I found myself hoping for the whistle to blow soon and get in 0-0 at half time then George made an interception on the edge of the Boro box, passed it up to de Roon who then set Stewy free with George now galloping down the flank who got involved again in deflecting the ball to Negredo who turned and put the ball past Caballero, 1-0 up and the Boro dream was alive and deservedly so. The Riverside roof nearly lifted off and the travelling City fans who had been extremely quiet suddenly became mute.

The second half started with no changes made from either Manager but Guardiola soon changed things after only five minutes bringing on Sane and Sterling for Clichy and the ineffective Garcia. This livened City up a little and gave our defence a little more to think about. The pressure was building and if there is one criticism of SA today it was that he left his decision to bring Traore on about ten minutes too late. As the pressure mounted we needed an outlet that would take some pressure off and give City some cause for concern.

Pretty much camped in our own half it was clear that something was going to break and it was courtesy of a piece of cheating gamesmanship from City (made worse by the fact that Aguero shouldn’t even be on the pitch after cheating on Thursday night). Sane went down in the box as de Roon was backing off him, a blatant cheating instinct seems to be how City have been drilled these days and the man with the whistle incredibly blew for a penalty. Just about the entire Boro side went apoplectic at the gross miscarriage of justice. The other aforementioned cheat Aguero then converted said Penalty but not after a booking for Fabio and a lot of pushing and shoving. Robbed, conned, cheated or a victim of an Official who was too afraid of upsetting the glamour side and any consequential media storm? I had made my mind up.

With the sense of injustice came an increase in Boro voices who started the afternoon quietly and raised the noise to way beyond levels MMP could only dream about. Traore then came on and immediately started to cause City some problems as he ran and chased at them being brought down for his troubles for what like as not would have been a Red had it been at the other end of the pitch but as it was a yellow was produced once again letting cheating win out. Stewy’s resultant free kick was cleared away by Caballero only for Negredo to pick up the loose ball, hang onto it, swivel, twist and turn with three black shirts in attendance, back heel it and somehow Chambers managed to poke home. It was scrappy, chaotic and bodies were all over the place so a clear view was difficult but the net bulged and Boro were now 2-1 up, thirteen minutes from time against a side that had made cheating an art form.

The Riverside noise had now had become a cauldron of hate and boos, whistles and jeers were directed at Sane every time he touched or came near the ball. The pressure was back on us but we had stood firm so far but it wasn’t to be and a quickly taken free kick caught tired minds and legs out as Jesus rose and headed City’s morally undeserved equaliser to finish the game 2-2.

Today seen a fair few plastic seats appearing again which for a home Premiership tie on a Bank Holiday weekend would have been unthinkable just a few weeks back. Reality is now hitting home as the fair-weather fans have started deserting which was a shame as they missed an honourable and thoroughly decent Boro performance, all the guile of a Karanka like defensive masterclass but with two goals against Champions League regulars. The late Traore Substitution aside Agnew and the bench got this about as well as any of us could have expected and indeed should have got more were it not for poor officiating and blatant cheating.

Negredo ran his heart and soul out (as they all did in fairness) and had to be replaced by Gestede on 82 minutes due to sheer exhaustion. At one point when we were under the cosh he was in the LB position winning a tackle, fending off challenges and pinged a cross field inch perfect ball to Fabio who then charged forward into the City half out of defence. Using Stuani to dummy City defenders Fabio continued his run and crossed for who else but Negredo to be on the end of it, that summed him up today.

Everyone was MOM especially the fans but for me one person just slightly nudged ahead and for the second time in a week it has to be Alvaro. The atmosphere was by far the best in 2017. Our fate still looks sealed but despite or perhaps because of the cheating it seemed a moral victory. I stayed until every last Boro player (Clayts) left the field of play to applaud them off the pitch. They had given their all and absolutely nobody could have asked or expected anything more from any of them.

When it comes to dropping players perhaps Steve Agnew could take advantage of Teesside’s iconic Transporter Bridge when sending out a message to signal his displeasure at the under-performing Gaston Ramirez for his quite frankly ridiculous display at Bournemouth last weekend – though the only questions for many exasperated supporters would be is whether it is high enough!

The Boro boss has come under criticism for appearing to be ‘too nice’ in recent weeks as basic errors and lack of concentration from the players have let him down in his bid to avoid the now seemingly unavoidable relegation. So maybe as he lines up his squad in front of the Transporter Bridge with Gaston’s Boro career dangling by the thinnest of threads, he can demonstrate that nothing but fully-focused 100% performances will be tolerated under his regime.

Indeed, he may even be able to turn the whole exercise into a belated Houdini-like relegation-escaping team-bonding exercise by getting the players to all to pull in the same direction whilst holding on to the want-away Ramirez attached to the top of the Transporter by his mega-elastic bungee rope – then on his signal the Uruguayan can be launched back home without him even accumulating any cushy first-class air miles as the players simply let go of their former team-mate. The club need only issue a short statement informing the media that Gaston Ramirez has been ‘released’ by Steve Agnew – as far as they are concerned it would be both true and literal.

It may well be that Agnew could also soon find himself hanging from the Transporter Bridge from a bungee-rope as Steve Gibson looks to be more pro-active in obtaining that elusive new-manger bounce – dangling together with his coaching team in what would be the ultimate executive toy for an ambitious chairman. Though the potential hazard for shipping along the Tees and no doubt the interference of health and safety legislation may curtail the Boro chairman’s plans for much needed stress release.

With each game that passes it becomes ever more likely that Steve Agnew has not done enough to suggest his appointment will be long-term. To be fair he was handed something of a poisoned chalice as he was already starting with a handicap in terms of points and team confidence – before immediately being hit with a defensive injury crisis to boot. It would have required a coach of far greater experience and charismatic leadership to have made an instant turnaround to Boro’s ten-game slump. Even the great escape artist of Big Sam took more than half-a-dozen games to have an impact at Palace – plus he had much better players at his disposal too.

I suspect our former number two is predominantly a coach rather than a number one and ideally he’s probably the kind of operator who needs a pre-season on the training pitch to effectively get his methods over to the players. It appears after his initial attempt to apply a quick fix to Boro’s lack of attacking intent spectacularly misfired at Hull, he over-compensated and retreated to the tried and tested midfield defensive shield. Then with very little margin for error due to the increasing gap between safety and Championship oblivion, it seems he’s quickly re-adopted the orphaned child tactics that was Karanka’s lone striker.

In addition, as he has become more embattled in the absence of a victory, his substitutions have become less bold, more conservative and increasingly random to the point where it would have been hard not to imagine they have been lifted straight from Karanka’s safety-first playbook that he forgot to clear from his desk. Even though he’s now got his first win under his belt against easily the most ineffective opposition to visit the Riverside this season, his disjointed team were hanging on after only managing two shots on target during the whole unconvincing display against the neighbourhood eight-lives-gone-and-counting Black Cats.

Wednesday’s victory will have left only those inhaling Capstan full-strength foam fumes that this would be the first in a high-five run of lung-bursting victories probably needed to dip in front of our relegation rivals at the finishing line. There was absolutely no indication that this current Boro team have enough to see off any of the top four – let alone three of them!

In that respect, Agnew has got a tough task to pick a First XI from a combination of what remains from Boro’s out-of-sorts, out-of-confidence and out-of-their-depth squad. We can only hope the win has breathed a bit of life into everyone but they know in the back of their mind that they need to win every game now – and that may ultimately be a weight greater than the one that was lifted against the Mackems.

I fully expect Karankaesque tactics against City on Sunday as Boro hope to keep it tight and emulate their performance at the Etihad Stadium – perhaps even keeping a clean sheet and hoping Marten de Roon continues with his new-found status of midfield goal machine. The former Boro boss’s mentor showed how to bore out a goal-less draw against the Sky Blues on Thursday evening in the Manchester stalemate – with any luck we may still find them sleeping and hope that they get out on the wrong side of the bed when they shuffle up to the Riverside on Sunday.

My money will be on 4-3-3 this weekend but a less-than-match-fit back-four of Fabio-Chambers-Gibson-Friend may struggle against their movement even with the three-man defensive shield of Clayton, Forshaw and de Roon – a front three of Downing, Negredo and Adama sounds most likely given how ineffective Stuani was and how unpalatable an immediate return of Gaston would go down.

So will Boro be transported to a parallel universe where winning becomes the norm or will the prospect of two victories in week be a bridge too far? As usual it’s time for your predictions on line-up, score and scorers – plus will Ramirez break the sound barrier on his sudden return to the Riverside after Woody forgot to cut the bungee rope after his earlier launch from the Transporter Bridge?

I’ll admit, I wasn’t looking forward to tonight’s game and it took a huge effort to motivate myself to get there. The display of respect to Ugo and the thought that young Bradley would have loved to have been there rather than in a hospital ward convinced me that I should drag myself along.

With a heavy heart and a cynical viewpoint when I saw the Team selection my mood was darkening faster than the sun setting over Billingham in the distance. A cold night wasn’t about to get much warmer as Boro started the game as though they were still on the South Coast. Straight from the whistle Sunderland pushed high up the pitch whilst we were pretty passing it hurriedly like a hot potato and the inevitable surely had to happen. It nearly did but fortunately Gibson’s uncharacteristic dithering was eventually cleared and we survived the scare.

Anichebe was trying to hustle and bustle Chambers and was getting the better of the Arsenal loanee but in fairness he fought and battled back and by the exclamations and howls of derision on the Makem bench not always within the rule book. From what I saw it was a good six and two threes and I suspect the Lino and Mike Dean thought the same which probably benefitted Chambers more than it did Anichebe.

About eight minutes in and our fortunes looked bleak as Sunderland continued to apply pressure, any hope of Aggers first Victory looked to have gone down with the Sun now disappeared well behind the East Stand. Then a long through ball (or a carefully weighted pass depending upon your mindset) from Clayts set de Roon free and his long legs seen him burst clear into the huge gap behind O’Shea and Denayer to just beat the onrushing Pickford with a toe poke into the net. Nine minutes gone and against the run of play we were undeservedly one up. Who cares we’ll take it because let’s face it how many goals have we seen this season?

That goal seemed to deflate Sunderland and their 3,000 followers as Boro relaxed, became more measured and controlled and passed the ball better with a few probing passes and Sunderland suddenly looked very jittery and exposed with a second goal surely imminent. Stewy started running the show with darting runs infield from the left cutting past the Black Cats excuse for a defence with relative ease. For some reason we had the game well within our grasp and they were well and truly rocking like a heavyweight who had just dragged himself off the canvas for the third time in the last few rounds. One sucker punch had them reeling but instead of landing an uppercut, we danced around, passing it intricately in small squares and backwards towards Guzan who would welly it upfield and then nothing of any note would result.

Stuani wide right was largely anonymous leaving Chambers to deal with Anichebe whilst Negredo fought, tackled, headed, scrapped, chased down and bust a gut getting forward. Forshaw was buzzing but his deft flicks were causing as many problems in losing possession as they were productive. Clayts was clattering into tackles as was Friend and both picked up yellows for their “eagerness”. Gibson had settled down alongside Ayala who himself endured a nervy opening few minutes but just as things were looking better Ayala went down with what looked like an ankle injury.

After the thirty minute mark Sunderland came back into it as they realised to put it mildly we were garbage, not as rank as them perhaps but tactically clueless. Passing paralysis once again became the norm in the Riverside as we reverted to being on the back foot. The half time whistle went just after a 44th minute Ugo tribute from the fans but thankfully we went in unconvincingly 1-0 up.

The second half commenced, clearly Moyes had instructed his charges to get at us which they duly did, pushing even further up the pitch forcing errors in our own half and it was our turn now to rock. Ayala went down again and being honest after his first half treatment he didn’t look 100% and eventually had to succumb to being subbed as he sat looking fed up on the turf. Ominously though Ben was also laid out as Fabio came on to replace our adopted Spaniard with Chambers moving central. Ben picked himself up with the help of the Physio and rallied himself to continue which was just as well because moments later Clayton went down on a couple of occasions and looked like he needed to go off.

The second half continued to be totally one sided with the fans in the North stand feeling very left out of proceedings as Sunderland piled on the pressure and we just passed ourselves into trouble in front of the Red Faction who had managed to disgrace the club before KO with a Flare being set off in the upper tier to which Stewards responded almost as quickly as one of Karanka’s substitutions.

Fast forward thirty more minutes of camping in our own 18 yard box with Negredo continuing to fight and battle for everything and anything that rarely came upfield aided only by a bit of support from de Roon. We weren’t just poor; it was simply abysmal to watch and not made any better by watching a Sunderland side that were so wasteful if we played till dawn they still wouldn’t have scored which was the only thing that saved our blushes.

We desperately needed an outlet, Negredo was doing a great job but Stewy was almost playing as a second left back and Stuani was almost superfluous out wide right only occasionally picking up odd balls and linking up with Fabio but then seemingly unable to move into free areas and stood waiting and watching Traore like. Surely Aggers, Woody and Jordan saw the same thing. Get someone on with a bit of pace and stick him up top with Negredo to ease the pressure on the wall of one way white shirts camped in the Boro half. Traore and Bamford continued to warm up, finally far too late the board eventually went up with us wondering who Agnew would remove, Stuani most likely due to his ineffectiveness or maybe a midfielder especially as Clayts had been struggling.

There was a stunned silence as people around me rubbed their eyes and double checked, it was Negredo, the one player offering any relief and battled more for the cause than anyone. I don’t think I have ever heard so many disbelieving blasphemous words all around me expressed simultaneously. What made matters worse was it was Gestede who was coming on. So here we have a skilful intelligent player who can tackle, hold the ball up, rough up defenders giving his all to be replaced by the most one dimensional footballer ever to put on a Boro shirt since Maximillian Haas. Boos rang out towards the idiots masquerading as Coaches on the Boro bench as Negredo with disbelief in his face trudged towards the dug outs. I don’t think I have ever witnessed a more dislocated Substitution evidencing a complete inability to remotely grasp what was happening on a football pitch in my life and I saw most of Trashcans games.

I won’t even bother to pass comment on what ensued afterwards as headers were won and predictably nothing happened as there was nobody anywhere remotely near Gestede but more worrying anything that wasn’t eight or nine feet in the air was shinned, stumbled or tripped over. Don’t think Sunderland had it all their own way in the second half, George did put a cross come shot in that sailed well wide of Pickfords post and Stewy did have a shot about two minutes into injury time that went wide.

As a game it was a great advert for Cricket only nowhere near as exciting and exhilarating. Three points finally for the new Coaching team and if ever there was a reason for SG to decide that Aggers maybe isn’t the man for the job tonight was it. Plain awful, just plain goddamn awful, a dreadful game that will scar rather than linger on the memory. Anyone who thought it couldn’t be more painful after AK left (me especially) were proved wrong tonight. We won but it was dire and clueless suffering with zero redeeming features, absolutely none whatsoever. My MOM was Negredo for his selflessness and battling but de Roon probably also deserves it for scrapping and never say die running plus his well taken goal, our solitary opportunity!

Any more of this and my next Season’s Season Card will be going on ebay with no reserve and free delivery, how can a win feel so bad?

As Steve Agnew and David Moyes attempt to coax one another into grasping the less-coveted prize of the Premier League £100m wooden spoon, they may at least take comfort from the knowledge that Boro and Sunderland are close to seeing come to fruition their cunning plan of preventing Newcastle from enjoying a north-east derby next season – though for both sets of supporters the only hope for the following year is that Baldrick is no longer charged with coming up with the plans.

So rather than being billed as the Tees-Wear derby, perhaps Wednesday night’s local encounter will be more likely be representative of the ‘tease’ of Boro’s damp squib of a top-flight return versus the Mackem’s annual ‘weary’ struggle to once more avoid the drop. I’m sure that all but a few of the respective followers of these clubs will have long-since been resigned to the fate that must surely now await – most just want this sadistic season to end as the prospect of further punishment as even got the the most masochistic among the faithful pleading for an end to the beatings.

In fact it appears the Black Cat’s are so weary of fighting relegation that the board can’t even find the energy to sack their manager anymore – unless of course every time David Moyes is summoned to the boardroom to be told his fate, he records a new non-blinking record as his Glaswegian stare simply silences the chairman with its unspoken declaration “If you start misbehavin’ wee man, then yer gettin’ skelped!”

No doubt Steve Agnew will be keen to demonstrate his repertoire of formations has not yet been exhausted – though it’s starting to look more like it’s just a futile attempt to rearrange the same dozen or so knock-off deckchairs as they slide down the increasingly steeper deck of the titanic task of preventing Boro sinking back into the Championship.

Still, to ensure all the men stay on board, able seaman Woodgate assists by piping out the Celine Dion big boat blockbuster theme music as the boss gets ready to unveil this week’s system to the players and begins his one-on-one motivational instructions – “OK Barragan you’ve not looked too comfortable at full-back recently so today you’re going to think like a wing-back instead – you’ll be liberated and will feel like you’re flying…” – before first mate Joe Jordan interjects “Aye, though don’t forget to land son before you take a bloody throw-in!”. As the presentation continues, nobody notices a certain Gaston Ramirez disguised as the tea-lady quietly abandoning ship and diving into the last remaining life-raft.

So despite the hopeless position we find ourselves in, Agnew is putting on a brave face as his interview from hell continues in the shadow of Steve Gibson openly admitting to calling his last effort ‘a total shambles’. Though it appears Downing  has already seen enough to be convinced that he should get the job on a permanent basis – though what that actually is may need a better demonstration to the rest of us. Whilst footballers are not strangers to the non-emoji language of symbolic cliche, I’ve not yet heard anyone say that he ‘ticks all the boxes’ but I expect it’s only a matter of time before, in the absence of something less tangible than results, alternatives will be held up to act as a suitable measure.

So what shall we expect from this latest deemed must-win game? Well on previous evidence the word ‘must’ doesn’t seem to have the same meaning as I’d previously thought. OK, I appreciate the Boro management have little option other than to give the impression that they are aiming to win all their remaining games to try and stay up – but it’s hard to envisage anyone in the group has that belief left in them after 16 games (near as damn it half a season) since one was last registered at this level – especially with three of the top four yet to play.

I suspect the Sunderland game will just be a case of ‘for the sake of sanity let’s just at least give it a go and try to win another game’ – a kind of bottom-of-the-barrel bragging rights contest where the winners can boast “we’re just a little bit less bad than you are” – OK not much in the way of a badge of honour I admit, but a badge nonetheless (albeit in a very small font).

To be honest it now appears to be clear that the make up of the squad is fundamentally flawed – and for me it’s in the engine room where Boro have been found wanting. We have four essentially stopper types from which normally three will play – they aren’t really either attack-minded or have the necessary ability to create goals. It’s just not possible to play three defensive midfielders, either in the Premier League or elsewhere, who are not going to make major contribution to the attack. Where will a team find enough goals to win enough games when they are relying on probably just two or maybe three average forwards to do it on their own? It’s been a fundamental flaw of our season and it’s not as if we have compensated by signing a goal machine or two – quite the opposite, Boro have signed forwards who themselves have generally struggled to score.

So it doesn’t need a deep root and branch assessment to discover our failings – Martin de Roon was signed for £12m but he was a carbon copy of what we already had – the money would have been better invested in a box-to-box midfielder who had a track record in scoring from midfield. By his own admission following his last gasp goal at Man City, de Roon confessed he was messaging all his family because he NEVER usually scores. It’s not just that our central midfield don’t score but they hardly even contribute much beyond their stoppers role – and even that has dipped.

Still many of the faithful may be drooling at the prospect of coming to see the now official ‘best dribbler in Europe’ in the flesh – yes it’s been a closely guarded secret but the news is now out that Adama Traore has topped the list of Europe’s best dribblers, narrowly edging out Eden Hazard into second spot. It may possibly be the last chance to see him tomorrow as we already know Chelsea are keen on the world beater – it’s quite likely as I write this Neil Bausor is in deep negotiations with the Blues to sell our prized asset with probably the inferior Hazard coming in the opposite direction as a make-weight. OK, I know many will be disappointed at the prospect and some will say that Eden sounds like another project – but I’m sure Boro will soon be able to coach the defensive skill-set required into Hazard so he can slot seemlessly into our central trio of stoppers.

OK it’s time for your predictions again – will Boro fans be gazing in a dreamlike manner after finally seeing their team record that elusive victory? Or will Boro be staring in disbelief at the nightmare scenario of the only team they thought were worse than them piles on yet more misery? As usual give your thoughts on the team line-up, score and scorers – plus will Agnew resort to the famous McClaren 4-2-4 formation in a desperate bid to enhance his interview technique?

Oh and feel free to suggest a caption for the photo if you want – though remember to keep them clean please!

No Bamford in the squad was a surprise considering that we needed to score goals. Stuani in his place on the bench was fair enough I suppose but I couldn’t understand why Gestede was even on that same bench. It appeared to me that the deep psyche was that if we are losing throw everything including the kitchen sink into the box, great tactical masterplan!

Barragan selected wide right instead of Fabio? Well that just completely beggared belief especially with the stiff and returning Chambers behind him. SA did at least go with three at the back but it was evident from the off that the midfield was all at sea and the backline hadn’t a clue who was supposed to be where and picking up who. The opening seconds saw our right side unsurprisingly ripped apart and Bournemouth were firing crosses in for fun. The inevitable goal occurred in a matter of seconds. 1-0 down and we were simply awful.

Things didn’t improve and Bournemouth continued to play, tease and toy with us. This was the worst performance from any Boro side I have witnessed since Charlton last season. Considering the importance of the game, the organisation, levels of concentration and commitment just simply didn’t exist. It became more farcical when another dithering defensive display led to Bournemouth going two up, it wasn’t even comedic just simply tragic. Ramirez then managed to get himself booked for a dive that was ten minutes too late for a non-contact challenge. Minutes later with a Negredo pile driving effort sandwiched in between Gaston went into a ridiculous lunge near the opposition corner flag, second yellow and off he went with just twenty minutes registered on the clock (hopefully never to be seen in a Boro shirt again).

Just before that Agnew had been about to bring Traore on presumably for Chambers to try and have a go at the Bournemouth defence. Gaston’s removal instead saw Forshaw brought onto wide left with George dropping into LB with Barragan off and Downing switching to the right in a 441. Confused? I certainly was! On twenty nine minutes Negredo headed down to de Roon who took a long range volley which Boruc done well to tip past for a corner. Minutes later King then stamped on de Roon but the Ref seemingly didn’t see anything wrong and it looked to me that de Roon will be subject to a metatarsal x-ray but despite that he hobbled back on with Fabio told to sit back on the bench. Two minutes later de Roon eventually had to succumb and leave the field. Thirty six minutes gone, one sending off, two subs on and at this point Boro were playing with a back eight, still couldn’t get a tackle in, losing 2-0 yet Aggers puts a full back on! Heaven knows what Gibson and Bausor were thinking but I sincerely hope it was the same as me.

Gosling suddenly pulled up just before half time as Boro where about to take a throw in with an apparent existing injury because nobody was near him. As Cooke then came on for Gosling the Boro

fans broke into a chorus of “Ugo Ehiogu tra la la la la” which was by far the best Boro performance of the day. After a slip up by the aforementioned Cooke with a sliced clearance Chambers hit a twenty yard volley that probably ended up in Penzance. The half time whistle shortly followed much to Boro’s relief and there ended one of the worst performances I have witnessed in a long time. Tactically all over the place, disorganised and despite what the fitness and medical team thought Chambers looked rusty as heck and in my opinion should have made way instead of Barragan who at least was match fit.

The team performance was completely unrecognisable from Monday night but surprisingly as on Monday when Clayton gave away the fee kick for Arsenal’s opener he was at fault for both Bournemouth goals today. As determined, energetic and committed he undoubtedly is his poor decision making is costing us. That said the rest of the side Negredo apart were absolute tosh, garbage, brown smelly stuff stuck to the sole of your shoe.

The first half spoke volumes as to any future of Steve Agnew’s tenure as Boro Coach on a permanent basis. He now had forty five minutes to restore any shred of personal credibility and to save Boro’s season. Being honest at this stage it looked totally transparent that Aggers was finished in his hope of retaining the position as were Boro’s hopes of survival. My thoughts were that as gut wrenchingly painful as it was maybe it’s a good thing. Today was the footballing forty five minute equivalent of taking your 15 year old family Labrador to the Vets for the last time, heart-breaking, but at least the pain and suffering is over with. Little did I know what the second half had in store?

As the second half started unsurprisingly there were no Boro subs made, not that it would have made an iota of difference to the woeful proceedings. The second half started at a fairly lethargic pace in the South Coast sunshine with Boro getting a corner four minutes into it but Ayala headed well over. The next five minutes saw more of Boro being under the cosh with Negredo literally under the cosh or at least on the receiving end of Francis’s forearm smash as we tried to mount an attack. After some treatment Alvaro returned to the field of play to pick up a loose ball from a corner but smashed it well over the goal which seems to have been a Boro trademark all season.

On 56 minutes Afobe should have scored but Guzan got down to save Boro’s blushes and thankfully pushed the effort wide. Friend then picked up a yellow after fortunately avoiding one in the first half. A few minutes later George definitely should have picked up a second yellow for a full on challenge but the Ref at this point was clearly feeling sympathy at Boro’s spineless plight. The game then descended into attack and defend with Boro doing all the defending and none of the attacking as the possession stats showed.

Every pass in a yellow shirt went short, got stuck in feet or simply missed the intended target and then after another defensive series of farcical proportions Ayala was rounded by Pugh and 3-0 to the Cherries. After the restart Ayala took his frustration out on Pugh and chopped him down to pick up a yellow. Like their apt shirt colour Boro were now attracting Yellow cards at an alarming rate and just to rub salt into the wounds Swansea had registered their second against Stoke and ten man Hull had simultaneously taken the lead against Watford. News was filtering through that Hull had went 2-0 up just as Bournemouth worked a pantomime free kick to make it 4-0 as Clayton (or Forshaw) broke from the end of the wall, was dribbled around with ease to see the net bulge from 18 yards out. Then incredibly with fifteen minutes to go the Cherries missed their easiest chance of the afternoon as the ball rolled right across the Boro goal line from Stanislas with nobody to tap in.

Gestede was forlornly brought on for Negredo who had thanklessly ran himself ragged and we then just started to hump long balls up to him who won his headers but then Bournemouth just collected the ball and broke forward again. I have no idea what the logic was in bringing Gestede on but it was obvious there was no tactical intent, just simply hump it long and hope. Fortunately with two minutes left Bournemouth Sub Mousset blasted a shot over from 6 yards out when hitting the target would have been easier. The whistle went and with it Middlesbrough FC’s premiership nightmare was over.

We have conceded 4 goals only twice this season and that Steve Agnew was in charge for both of them along with the Charlton debacle last year tells me that despite some more entertaining football he is most definitely not the man to take Boro anywhere let alone forward. This Season the Boro fans have been nothing less than fantastic. It is a shame that the club have disrespected them in just about every way possible from kits to signings, management insults and the most boring embarrassing performances in football history. Nine points from safety and down without a fight and it feels right now that not once did we truly give it a go or in all honesty if that was ever the genuine intent. To end the Premiership season with a weaker team than the Championship side that got us here now needs answering.

As Boro approach the twilight of their Premier League year – and head off to a less depressing footballing climate on the south coast for a sunset stroll along Bournemouth pier – they are no doubt starting to contemplate an early retirement in sheltered accommodation from the top flight.

As our creaking group of seasoned campaigners take up residence at the Premiership retirement home to rest their weary limbs and exchange fading memories of past glories, perhaps they’ll have their spirits raised by an occasional little sing-song as they reminisce… “we’ll win again, don’t know where, don’t know when, but I know we’ll win again some sunny day”.

OK, it’s never easy to make that decision about whether or not a loved one can continue to take care of themselves and despite trying to ignore the signs – such as that rather nasty fall down the table – action is now required. It seems obvious now, but we’ve long started to notice that when our ‘last-of-the-summer-wine’ midfield of Compo Clayton, Foggy de Roon and Cleggy Leadbitter cross the half-way line they appear to have seemingly forgot why they left their own half – then look rather quizzically at each other before giving the ball back to Victor ‘Meldrew’ Valdes – who simply can’t believe it has returned once more to him.

Then there’s that rather embarrassing problem about waking up the next morning to discover we can no longer rely on having a clean sheet – fingers have also been pointed at the cover but perhaps the problem at the back hasn’t been helped by all those bumps and strains constantly being picked up – plus it’s also been widely observed that old Barragan has had continued problems with his hand-eye co-ordination.

Deciding to move forward is never straight-forward and that is true of Boro as they are prone to amble rather indecisively towards their opponents goal. Whilst feeding a rather grumpy Negredo has never been an easy task, the problem of uncle Adama uncontrollably dribbling when he’s being spoon fed can’t be ignored for much longer.

So before we get caught napping it’s time to look at the possibility of rejuvenating our campaign this week as we head rather appropriately to the Vitality Stadium to play Bournemouth – before entertaining in midweek an even more doomed-looking Sunderland. Psychologically, Boro can take heart from the prospect of coming up against two teams that they have already beaten this season in Bournemouth and Sunderland – both of whom are still under the same management – unlike our recent encounters with the other teams we have beaten in Swansea and Hull who were under new improved regimes.

So first up is the trip to the south coast and in some ways the Cherries are a kind of Arsenal-lite opponents – they are the antithesis of Boro and are better going forward than defending. It’s possible the kind of team that just lost out to Arsenal could indeed claim a rare victory this weekend and set us up nicely to let our hair down for the brush with the Wearsiders – otherwise that local encounter will be more reminiscent of two bald men half-heartedly fighting over a comb.

Putting the comb to one side, Steve Agnew is still waiting to experience that expected new-boss bounce and has started to come under fire in some quarters as people cast doubt on whether he is best suited to the role. Though to be fair, his introduction and plans to make Boro a more potent force have been blighted by a defensive injury crisis that has forced him into making experimental formations to fit the available personnel.

In truth, I struggle to see how deploying a three-man defensive shield of essentially one-dimensional stoppers in conjunction with second and third choice full-backs, who are not predominantly gifted with attacking ability will lead to any substantial improvement. The only glimmer of hope is that Gaston is looking interested again and Downing is playing better than at any time in his second spell at Boro – plus Negredo does seem to know where the net is.

What Boro would also give now for the return of the early-season Adam Forshaw, who was at one point was being touted for an England call-up such was his all-round game. With a fading Leadbitter ruled out perhaps he’ll get a chance to impress once more. Though come this season’s post-mortem, questions will need to be asked about the overall quality of the squad, which appears to have been superficially bolstered with far too many projects and punts.

Defensively, it seems Fabio may actually be available again as his initial injury has now been deemed less severe – the question is whether he’ll get the nod and if so will he go to right-back and will Friend retain his left-back slot? Many would place them as our first-choice full-backs but a rather interesting observation by Dominic Shaw in the Gazette showed that they’ve only once started in a back four for Boro. I’d expect Gibson and Ayala to continue in the centre and they will be in front of Guzan again as Valdes still has sore ribs.

So I think we’ll see a similar shape to the Arsenal game with Forshaw replacing Leadbitter – though at least one of the three midfielders really needs to play more progressively. My main criticism with Agnew is that he lost his nerve after the Hull game and instead of tweaking his new two-man defensive midfield, he abandoned it altogether. OK, Boro made defensive errors in that match and Ben Gibson had a rare off-day – but Hull actually scored with four of their five shots on target so one game shouldn’t be the judge of a system. Though I think Agnew has now decided to only switch to a two-man midfield when chasing the game and prefers instead to start more cautiously – how quickly the first law of self-preservation takes hold when in the hot seat.

I suspect the no-longer guided missile of Adama will be launched at some point from the bench but he’s increasingly looking more like a NFL running-back making yardage with his head down until he’s brought down to give Boro a ‘first-down’ in a dangerous area. Whilst exciting as he is, I think if we get any kind of decent offer for him in the summer it would probably be wise to accept it as his awareness of his surroundings means he could be a very long-term project indeed.

Well it’s prediction time, though with 15 games without a win opting for a Boro/Corbyn victory at the bookies may earn you enough to actually buy your own personal retirement home. Anyway, as usual give your view on the score and scorers – plus how many yards will running-back Adama make?

So come the final whistle will the residents of the Premiership retirement home be having a long-awaited Mother Brown style ‘Knees-up’ round the bridge table or will they be tearfully singing ‘Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye’ to Boro’s lingering top-flight hopes?