It was a cold and stormy night and the captain said to the mate……
‘Spin us a yarn, mate!’
So he did, and this is what he said:
‘It was a cold and stormy night and the captain ……. ‘
‘Woah! Hold hard there, matey,’ groaned the bosun. ‘Ee ave told us that afore! That one goes on forever like that, round and round, so it do ……. ‘
‘No, me hearties, this is a new one,’ said the mate. ‘I’m gonna tell ee a tale as’ll make yer blood run cold. Have ee heard tell of an accursed place of eternal damnation known as Stoke?
The wind it do blow, and the rain it do rain and the cold it do freeze the billhooks off the capn’s brass monkey. Yer timbers will be proper shivered.
And the natives do swear and curse and spit at ee, and throw stones at ee to frighten ee off…….. They do worship an ancient and mysterious devil-god they call The Pulis, oh arr! Unwary travellers be lucky to get out alive, so they be. There be no escape. Be afeard be very afeard!
On the green down below craggy terraced cliffs roam white and blood-red giants as’ll mercilessly chop your legs off with their broadsides. They’ll tear ee to shreds. They’s’ll crush yer barnacles and feed ee to the sharks. They’ll stomp on ee and kick ye and batter ye till yer whole body aches and bruises. They’ll keelhaul yer to the ground. They’ll hurl canon balls huge distances from the sides, and butt them with their heads into the rigging net. They’ll surround the rigging keeper and stop him catching the canon balls, ooh arrr, so they will. T’is all in the spirit of The Pulis, so it be said.’
The crew sat in petrified silence, mouths agape with terror. This was their worst vision of hell.
Meanwhile, back on dry land in the coffee houses, taverns and wenching parlours of the harbour town known as Port Vale rumours had begun to circulate that a gentler, more cultured, skilled race of beings had emerged at Stoke. Locals spoke with affection of a time well afore the Pulis Giants when gentler gods they called Stanley Matthews and George Eastham used to rule the land. ‘They would still beat you,’ people said, ‘but they did it with skill and finesse rather than brute thuggery. Now, the people had heard that such a time was coming back and that the evil giants were no more. No need to be afeard, ye gentlefolk !
But when Capn Blackandbluestriped Beard and his motley crew arrived in port for a few days’ drinkin’, wenchin’ and plunderin’ they scoffed at these wild rumours and quickly quashed them.
‘Avast ye, scurvy landlubbers. Ye bilge-rats! Yer jokin’ arn yer? Yer fools!
The spirit of The Pulis still stalks the accursed land of Stoke, so it do! Ye know what yer in for and ye’s’ll have to be ready to face the onslaught. The natives be as fierce as ever. If ye be a-venturin’ to Stoke on a cold, wet and stormy night, best be prepared to be ambushed and shipwrecked. Ye’d better batten down yer hatches. There’s no place worse on earth. Dead men tell no tales. Ye ave been warrrned! ‘
Stoke v Boro - Wednesday 21 January - 20.00
Some of you, I suppose, may feel a little short-changed that no analysis of our opponents appears in my fable, so here it is!
Stoke City’s reputation as one of the hardest teams to play against has faded somewhat since the days of Tony Pulis. Remember how Arsène Wenger always used to complain about their tactics and their physicality after his great Arsenal side registered yet another blank at the Brittania ? These days, City seem to be playing a more engaging and attractive style of football , but they’re also hard to break down, both of which you might expect under boss Mark Robins.
Stoke started the season well as one of the early leaders, but picked up just one win, and four points from seven games either side of Christmas (ring a bell? ) to drop to 10th in the Championship, as low as they have been all season. However three straight wins in January - league victories at Hull and Norwich, then last Saturday's FA Cup win over Coventry - keeping a clean sheet in each - have lifted spirits at the bet365 Stadium.
They would have gone back into the playoffs on Saturday had they won, but they could only get a point in what the BBC described as a drab and uneventful 0-0 draw with QPR. Manager Mark Robins bemoaned the refereeing after his on-loan striker, Divin Mubama, was stretchered off with a broken leg. Robins said, ‘ We’re down to the bare bones and now we've got a broken leg (Sic! No pun intended, I assume?!) We need some help, which is easier said than done, but I've got to find a way of patching the team up and getting them out on Wednesday.’ Bless. My heart bleeds for them - Boro have suffered (and are still suffering ) from so many injuries this season, so it irks me when other clubs whinge about theirs. It might encourage us to think we’ll face a makeshift side, but I’d bet they’ll still turn out an eleven capable of doing some damage, especially as they’ll be desperate to get back into the top 6.
The Potters currently lie in seventh place with 41 points. They’ve only scored 32 goals, but have only conceded 23, five fewer than Boro. Their overall record this season shows 12 wins, five draws and 10 defeats. They’ve won 6 and lost 4 of their 13 home games.
Flying Welsh international winger Sorba Thomas is clearly the key danger man to stop, with a remarkable 9 goals and 6 assists this season so far. Unsurprisingly he makes Skysports’ Championship team of the year to date (as do Brittain and Hackney incidentally) https://www.skysports.com/football/news/11095/13491180/who-makes-the-sky-sports-championship-team-of-the-season-so-far
I would definitely keep Alan Browne at right back for this one. I think he’s likely to be more effective against Thomas, but Hellberg will need to instil in Sam Silvera the need to get back and cover, as he has more pace than Browne. Lively Million Manhoef shares the place for second top-scorer with the unfortunate Mubama. Both have 5. We’ll also need to keep an eye on ex-Preston midfielder, Ben Pearson, who always seems to play well against us.
I hope Boro have learned their lesson from Friday that taking the foot off the gas when in control of a game is not a good idea in this extremely competitive league. If we’re lucky and good enough to score first on Wednesday, then we’ll really need to keep the hammer down against a challenging Stoke side. Coventry, Ipswich and even Millwall are keeping the pressure on us, so we really need at least a point. I think Boro are good enough and have the strength of character to win this one, though, and finally cast off the hex Mark Robins has had over us.
But I’ve seen the weather forecast for Wednesday. It’ll be a cold, wet, winter night in Stoke. Isn’t it always? What could possibly go wrong?
Well I was feeling relatively positive about next Wednesday, but now me timbers are properly shivered.
Brilliant work, Clive
@clive-hurren Great work Clive and a double post to boot. What’s not to like? There are no easy games in this league and I reckon scoring first is a must at Stoke. On our day we’re good enough to win this one - which of the new signings will be on the pitch?
Many thanks Clive for that nautical but nice two-part opener and it's unlikely to be plain sailing at Stoke on a cold wet windy Wednesday evening - especially given they ship very few goals!
We may see a few changes to freshen up a few legs given last two fixtures have been unchanged and there's an early kick-off on Saturday - maybe the pace of Hansen down the left to match Silvera on the right to keep their wingers from getting forward.
I suppose we could take heart that Stoke haven't won any of their last three home games but I expect it will be another tight game like at the Riverside that ended nil-nil.
2 for 1 that’s going over and above the call of duty sir ! Hopefully we can splice the mainbrace on Wednesday evening and haul away to the promised land of the premiership a few knots further.
well done
OFB
Brilliant thank you Clive; I hope your double is a positive omen for the Boro on Wednesday.
It is never easy at Stoke and add in the MR factor, then a draw would not be a bad outcome and more likely against the tightest defence in the league. Fingers crossed however that we can go one better. 😎
Thank you for the Buy One, Get One Free Headliner Clive. A bedtime story to tell the younger fans. Saying that, mentioning Pulis may give them nightmares.
So another must win match to keep us in the autos, as they all are, until Ipswich possibly win their outstanding game. We have a plethora of teams breathing down our neck and although we have now scored 7 in our last two games, can we keep it up or will we revert to another period of slipping up on the waves washed grass deck.
At the back KH has probably not got any other choice than a same again line up. It would be too much to ask for the new untried youngster, Munro, in such an important, difficult and hard game.
Burgzorg may have done enough once more to earn a start, on the basis of his pace and
ball holding ability, if not his scoring attributes. 🤣
Even though we will probably lose ground on Coventry, and let Ipswich catch up, a draw would be a good point.
You may have noticed for those who have Avatars with Initials that the colour has changed - this happened when I updated the plugin that creates them - which it creates randomly from a list of colours. It seems their random generator has altered so it no longer picks the same colour as before and I have no way of making it decide a particular colour.
So KP is now going through a purple patch and should President Jump post again he will now rather appropriately be orange...
I hope your new colour grows on you and you don't get confused for someone with that previous one.
Incidentally, you can check what colour everyone now is by clicking on the 'Members' option in the Discussion Forum menu bar at the top
Media platforms saying that the Sarmiento “Boro interest” has hit an impasse.
The other issue is that IF he did join us, he will not be match fit. His last game time was on 7 November against Pisa, when he subbed Martin Payero in the 77 minute. Since then he has only made the bench on three occasions, which when they have 14 places, makes one wonder.
Not another possible Iheanacho??
Thanks for the double intro Clive. A wet Wednesday in Stoke forecast 8 degrees at kick off and 100% chance of rain. We have a not bad record at the Britannia won there last season 3-1, although we haven't won there back to back since 1956.We have only lost two of their past 13 away league matches on a Wednesday (W8 D3), defeats at Preston in February 2024 (1-2) and Sheffield United in February 2025 (1-3). Mark Robins has won six of his nine previous Championship home games against Middlesbrough as a manager (D1 L2), although did lose his only one as Stoke boss last season (1-3).
As others have said a point might be all we can expect, but a win would be nice with ipswich and Coventry playing on Tuesday.
I didn't post after WBA , I want to reflect, you can't deny a win, and the way it happened was epic
But I was ready to have a go at Helberg, I've noticed in a few games seems at 65 minutes we run out of gas, and I thought subs were needed , not to attack but to button down the hatches, maybe he doesn't trust them, it's obvious Fry is not fit and looked stiff as a board , now he was right trying to win, but some games that won't happen, we need midfielders that can come in and take over from Hackney and Morris just to see games out , Nypan and Kante I don't think can do that defensively
The talk is a number nine , someone different would inquire about Beto at Everton on the fringes a loan maybe just a thought
Some big games this week, the scores will tell a story, we will create chances at Stoke, hopefully we will bury them, every team now is under pressure to win, let's see.
COB
Aagh Clive lad, you deserve pieces of eight after that wonderful tour de force. Four pieces for each piece.
The Treasure, I'll 'and over in the Benbow after the game.
A great opener, clever, stylish and very entertaining.
Now after one epic let's contemplate another and see, whatever the weather, if we can successfully harry the Potters
Story from the NE this morning.
According to reports Birmingham are leading the chase for Sarmiento and Boro have moved on 🤔.
Come on BORO.
So, Mark Robins’ moan at the weekend that he’d have to patch up his squad for Boro in the light of so many injuries might actually be accurate, according to the EG. Or it might just be smoke-and-mirrors mind games to lull us into a false sense of security!
Whatever, if we go into this one with a determined mindset of getting the 3 points and of keeping concentration to the very end, then provided we can muzzle speedy Sorba Thomas, we must be in with a chance.
I’m going to Stoke. I must be mad. The weather forecast is appalling. Now there’s a surprise!
The Coach’s views on Conway has emerged today in his pre match interview “He is everything I want in a player”. . “He is always the first or second name I put on the team sheet “
He is obviously delighted with Conway’s efforts for the team.
Strelec not travelling to Stoke and so still not fit to play. I can’t remember if we were told what the injury was.
philip of Huddersfield
@philip-of-huddersfield Apparently it is an “ankle” injury. Now how bad an ankle injury can be, it did not say it was broken.
He does not appear to be a Targett like player, playing through the pain.
Nobody could ever accuse you of being a fair-weather Boro supporter Clive 😉
Hope it's a good game for you!
I suppose it's whether the pain doesn't cause the injury to get worse - ankles and joints are dodgy things - I did my knee somehow a some weeks ago without realising and it swelled up and could barely walk but then it suddenly got better but then did my foot and coudn't put weight on it but discovered ice made it worse but a foot-bath gave a miraculous recovery. Maybe I should work at Rockcliffe 🤣
I see that there are rumours of HH going to Man Utd - I imagine they are just that: rumours. But if he was made an offer which of us could begrudge him accepting it?
I don’t think he’d immediately be a regular in the team but even if he struggled to get a game every week, he’d be earning considerably more than he is now and even if he fails to make the grade he’d probably be assured a move to one of the mid table Premier League clubs.
We can’t question his loyalty - he turned down a move to Ipswich when the club were prepared to let him go. How will he feel if the Tractor Boys get promoted and we feel short?
Obviously we’d like him to stay and lead us to the promised land, but will his head be turned?
I'm sure Hackney would love to win promotion with Boro this season but if Man Utd came in with an offer that met Boro's valuation and offered him an amazing 3-4 year contract on big money then he'd probably be mad to turn it down. Who knows if Man Utd would make the same offer in the summer if they ended up with a different manager with different ideas.
Having said that, Boro would be mad to sell Hackney given they're in the best position for 10 years to win promotion and Hackney is the driving force of the team. Promotion for Boro is worth anything up to £200m. Boro can't replace Hackney in January even if they had the money to do so as any player good enough to play in the PL won't be dropping down to the Championship.
Much may well depend on the results in the next 3 games before the window closes as to how strong Boro's promotion credentials look in making the right decision.
@werdermouth I entirely agree. Timing could be key here. On the one hand maybe a one off opportunity for HH, on the other hand a chance to take his boyhood club to the Premiership and secure his legacy as a Boro legend.
Coventry, Ipswich and Hull all winning and Boro down to third.
Need three points tomorrow even more so after tonight’s results. CoB do the business. 😎
@werdermouth Next three games are Stoke (A). PNE (H). Norwich (H)
Two very difficult games, then Norwich, maybe on a revival. Followed by Sheffield United and Coventry away.
Looking at the fixture list, Hull have a game in hand and three eminently easy (on form and paper) games.
Our fixture list, generally look to be the hardest by far of the top clubs over the next half dozen games. We definitely need form and goals not to lose touch of the top two. And to retain Mr Hackney.
Recently, we discussed a lot about Tommy Conway and his contribution to the team.
Conway, says Hellberg is the "first or second name on the teamsheet" every single week. So here is our head coach's answer to the debate:
So we will see Tommy at Stoke today if fit. Up the Boro!
@clive-hurren sorry to be late for the party, but this was absolutely outstanding starter, mate. And even two served.1
I had some difficulties to read the first part but I think I managed to understand it. The grammar was not exactly what I was thought at school. But it was nice to read. So a big thank you.
I hope Boro play as well at rainy Stoke. Two goals for Boro I think, one for each starter and a clear 0-2 win. Tommy Conway and Malanda scoring, me thinks.
Up the Boro!