Boro vs Southampton

Martin Bellamy · 2026-05-04T10:32:10Z

Championship Playoff Semi-Final First Leg Saturday 9th May 2026 12.30 k.o. Riverside Stadium Boro vs Southampton Jeeves and the First Leg at The Riverside (A Boro supporter’s account, with a certain valet-like clarity) I was in something of a state. Not, you understand, the sort of mild agitation one experiences when the tea is lukewarm or the biscuit tin proves unexpectedly barren, but a deeper, more troubling variety - the kind that grips a Middlesbrough supporter on the eve of a playoff semi-final. Imagine the sort of agitation occasioned when one’s northern neighbours in the funereal stripes enjoy a rare outbreak of silverware. "That phenomenon is indeed rare, sir, much like the flowering of the Century Plant, though considerably less decorative." “Jeeves,” I said, pacing the room in a manner I considered both brisk and dignified, “we are home to Southampton for the first leg. I fancy this could be a bit sticky. As sticky as Lord Emsworth’s prize pig at feeding time.” “Indeed, sir, as sticky as an unexpected visit from your Aunt Agatha,” said Jeeves, with the air of a man who has already anticipated the stickiness and laid out a suitable response. Jeeves’s mention of my Aunt made me feel as queasy as watching young Aidan attempt a strike from distance - a manoeuvre that usually ends with the ball endangering the local avian population rather than the netting. Neither reflection did much for the old morale. “I fear you may be correct, sir - Master Morris’ relationship with long-range shooting remains largely theoretical.” We arrived at the Riverside in good time, the place looking as neat and well-ordered as a freshly pressed dinner jacket. The noise from the Red Faction was such that I felt much as a lesser Roman might upon hearing the barbarians were at the gate. “Observe, sir,” said Jeeves, “Southampton appear committed to a style based upon short passing, disciplined control and the retention of possession.” “Translation, Jeeves?” “They keep the ball, sir.” “Dash it,” I muttered. “That sounds awkward.” Kick-off arrived, and immediately the Saints began their business - tap, tap, tap - like a well-trained butler arranging the luncheon paraphernalia. Mr Azaz, in particular, had the air of an ambitious footman with designs upon the family silver. “Very tidy,” I said. “Quite so, sir.” “But Boro don’t do tidy, Jeeves.” “No, sir,” said Jeeves, in a tone suggesting this was a known and accepted feature rather than a defect. Boro pressed. We harried. We brought a certain amount of wholesome disorder into proceedings. “Ah,” said Jeeves, watching a Southampton move break down under pressure, “Disruption. A most effective counter-measure.” “Can we win this thing here, Jeeves?” I asked, as a half-chance presented itself and then, like so many promising notions, failed to come to fruition. "Discretion is the better part of valour in the first leg, sir. One must not go the whole hog until the return at St Mary’s." “Not the whole hog, Jeeves?” “Indeed, sir, in a first leg, the more prudent course is to ensure the tie remains favourably poised” “You mean, don’t make a frightful mess of it.” “Precisely, sir.” Southampton continued knocking the ball about with a composure that became increasingly trying, though one sensed that their neat patterns were being subjected to increasing levels of what one might call Teesside interference. A tackle here. A nudge there. Mr Ayling employing certain theatrical refinements in pursuit of a free kick. Even the occasional moment of mild panic from the magnificent Monsieur Malanda. “There’s always a moment, isn’t there, Jeeves?” I said. “One of those infernal moments where everything could go pear-shaped.” “Unquestionably, sir,” said Jeeves. “The playoffs are unusually fertile ground for catastrophe, though moments of inspiration do occasionally intrude.” “Perhaps a repetition of one of Mr Whittaker’s blessed left foot strikes could yet give succour to our demeanour,” I replied. “That would indeed be advantageous, sir.” As the match wore on, I found myself performing calculations of a most delicate nature. “A draw, Jeeves?” “Highly serviceable, sir.” “A narrow defeat?” “Manageable, provided certain conditions are met.” “A catastrophic collapse?” “I would strongly advise against it, sir.” “Quite,” I said. At length, as the contest edged toward its conclusion, it became clear that whatever the exact outcome, the matter would not be settled here. Which, as Jeeves might put it, was entirely the point. “We travel to St Mary’s, then,” I said, adjusting my scarf with what I hoped was a note of quiet resolve. “Indeed, sir,” said Jeeves. “Where the second leg may be conducted under conditions which have often proven favourable to Middlesbrough’s particular strengths.” I paused. “Jeeves?” “Yes, sir?” “You’re not, by any chance, confident?” "I find confidence in such matters to be imprudent, sir. To be confident would be to invite that peculiar Teesside phenomenon - what the local natives refe...

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Pedro de Espana

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Joined: 6 years ago

Posts: 2220

May 12, 2026 8:10 am

@mw-in-darwin Yes, 30 hours or so of rest, relaxation, training behind closed doors 🤣🤣

no children asking for kick around, no distractions. One can only hope it all puts them in a very positive mood that they can take into the game.

Hopefuly Hellberg and Adi have come up with a plan to beat Southampton.

Liked by 5 people: Boro Beckys Dad, K P in Spain, Selwynoz, Martin Bellamy and werdermouth

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Boro Beckys Dad

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Joined: 6 years ago

Posts: 398

May 12, 2026 5:39 pm

@john-richardson - only the 4 pints? Timmy Taylor’s Landlord is one of my favourite beers.

Liked by Forever Dormo

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