It was a cold and stormy night and the captain said to the mate……
‘Spin us a yarn, mate!’
So he did, and this is what he said:
‘It was a cold and stormy night and the captain ……. ‘
‘Woah! Hold hard there, matey,’ groaned the bosun. ‘Ee ave told us that afore! That one goes on forever like that, round and round, so it do ……. ‘
‘No, me hearties, this is a new one,’ said the mate. ‘I’m gonna tell ee a tale as’ll make yer blood run cold. Have ee heard tell of an accursed place of eternal damnation known as Stoke?
The wind it do blow, and the rain it do rain and the cold it do freeze the billhooks off the capn’s brass monkey. Yer timbers will be proper shivered.
And the natives do swear and curse and spit at ee, and throw stones at ee to frighten ee off…….. They do worship an ancient and mysterious devil-god they call The Pulis, oh arr! Unwary travellers be lucky to get out alive, so they be. There be no escape. Be afeard be very afeard!
On the green down below craggy terraced cliffs roam white and blood-red giants as’ll mercilessly chop your legs off with their broadsides. They’ll tear ee to shreds. They’s’ll crush yer barnacles and feed ee to the sharks. They’ll stomp on ee and kick ye and batter ye till yer whole body aches and bruises. They’ll keelhaul yer to the ground. They’ll hurl canon balls huge distances from the sides, and butt them with their heads into the rigging net. They’ll surround the rigging keeper and stop him catching the canon balls, ooh arrr, so they will. T’is all in the spirit of The Pulis, so it be said.’
The crew sat in petrified silence, mouths agape with terror. This was their worst vision of hell.
Meanwhile, back on dry land in the coffee houses, taverns and wenching parlours of the harbour town known as Port Vale rumours had begun to circulate that a gentler, more cultured, skilled race of beings had emerged at Stoke. Locals spoke with affection of a time well afore the Pulis Giants when gentler gods they called Stanley Matthews and George Eastham used to rule the land. ‘They would still beat you,’ people said, ‘but they did it with skill and finesse rather than brute thuggery. Now, the people had heard that such a time was coming back and that the evil giants were no more. No need to be afeard, ye gentlefolk !
But when Capn Blackandbluestriped Beard and his motley crew arrived in port for a few days’ drinkin’, wenchin’ and plunderin’ they scoffed at these wild rumours and quickly quashed them.
‘Avast ye, scurvy landlubbers. Ye bilge-rats! Yer jokin’ arn yer? Yer fools!
The spirit of The Pulis still stalks the accursed land of Stoke, so it do! Ye know what yer in for and ye’s’ll have to be ready to face the onslaught. The natives be as fierce as ever. If ye be a-venturin’ to Stoke on a cold, wet and stormy night, best be prepared to be ambushed and shipwrecked. Ye’d better batten down yer hatches. There’s no place worse on earth. Dead men tell no tales. Ye ave been warrrned! ‘
Some of you, I suppose, may feel a little short-changed that no analysis of our opponents appears in my fable, so here it is!
Stoke City’s reputation as one of the hardest teams to play against has faded somewhat since the days of Tony Pulis. Remember how Arsène Wenger always used to complain about their tactics and their physicality after his great Arsenal side registered yet another blank at the Brittania ? These days, City seem to be playing a more engaging and attractive style of football , but they’re also hard to break down, both of which you might expect under boss Mark Robins.
Stoke started the season well as one of the early leaders, but picked up just one win, and four points from seven games either side of Christmas (ring a bell? ) to drop to 10th in the Championship, as low as they have been all season. However three straight wins in January - league victories at Hull and Norwich, then last Saturday's FA Cup win over Coventry - keeping a clean sheet in each - have lifted spirits at the bet365 Stadium.
They would have gone back into the playoffs on Saturday had they won, but they could only get a point in what the BBC described as a drab and uneventful 0-0 draw with QPR. Manager Mark Robins bemoaned the refereeing after his on-loan striker, Divin Mubama, was stretchered off with a broken leg. Robins said, ‘ We’re down to the bare bones and now we've got a broken leg (Sic! No pun intended, I assume?!) We need some help, which is easier said than done, but I've got to find a way of patching the team up and getting them out on Wednesday.’ Bless. My heart bleeds for them - Boro have suffered (and are still suffering ) from so many injuries this season, so it irks me when other clubs whinge about theirs. It might encourage us to think we’ll face a makeshift side, but I’d bet they’ll still turn out an eleven capable of doing some damage, especially as they’ll be desperate to get back into the top 6.
The Potters currently lie in seventh place with 41 points. They’ve only scored 32 goals, but have only conceded 23, five fewer than Boro. Their overall record this season shows 12 wins, five draws and 10 defeats. They’ve won 6 and lost 4 of their 13 home games.
Flying Welsh international winger Sorba Thomas is clearly the key danger man to stop, with a remarkable 9 goals and 6 assists this season so far. Unsurprisingly he makes Skysports’ Championship team of the year to date (as do Brittain and Hackney incidentally) https://www.skysports.com/football/news/11095/13491180/who-makes-the-sky-sports-championship-team-of-the-season-so-far
I would definitely keep Alan Browne at right back for this one. I think he’s likely to be more effective against Thomas, but Hellberg will need to instil in Sam Silvera the need to get back and cover, as he has more pace than Browne. Lively Million Manhoef shares the place for second top-scorer with the unfortunate Mubama. Both have 5. We’ll also need to keep an eye on ex-Preston midfielder, Ben Pearson, who always seems to play well against us.
I hope Boro have learned their lesson from Friday that taking the foot off the gas when in control of a game is not a good idea in this extremely competitive league. If we’re lucky and good enough to score first on Wednesday, then we’ll really need to keep the hammer down against a challenging Stoke side. Coventry, Ipswich and even Millwall are keeping the pressure on us, so we really need at least a point. I think Boro are good enough and have the strength of character to win this one, though, and finally cast off the hex Mark Robins has had over us.
But I’ve seen the weather forecast for Wednesday. It’ll be a cold, wet, winter night in Stoke. Isn’t it always? What could possibly go wrong?
Well I was feeling relatively positive about next Wednesday, but now me timbers are properly shivered.
Brilliant work, Clive