Author: Diasboro

Championship 2018-19: Week 28

Tue 5 Feb – 19:45: Newport v Boro (FA Cup)
Sat 9 Feb – 13:00: Boro v Leeds

There often comes a time in a relationship, where perhaps the side who is not feeling the love and thinks the other is looking a little bored, decides it may be time to let them down gently with those carefully designed feeling-sparing immortal words “It’s not you, it’s me.” However that’s not the Boro manager style as it would be unfair to take on all the blame. He knows there are a few relationship issues that he wants to get off his chest, way down deep inside that special place just below where certain players like to kiss their one true beloved club badge – or indeed any badge they’d ever fleetingly worn.

Yes, Tony Pulis has concluded it’s time to issue some home truths as he searches for answers as to why his team’s Riverside form hasn’t reached the heights of their remarkable away performances. Something is missing, perhaps that little show of affection has gone, or that constant picking of faults for no reason has become an irritating habit and booing in that unnecessary aggressive tone hasn’t helped matters in the slightest. Therefore rather bravely, Tony has decided it’s time to deliver a new twist to that ever so gentle let-down phrase with “Sorry, it’s not me, it’s you!”

Following the victory at West Brom, Tony Pulis now wants Middlesbrough’s supporters to recreate the away atmosphere at the Riverside as he looks to get his team firing at home. Whether he meant in particular the general atmosphere witnessed at The Hawthorns is unclear but I suspect emulating the somewhat nostalgic non-stop chorus (sung to the tune of he’s one of our own) with the less than cryptic chant: “Your football is shit, your football is shit, Tony Pulis your football is shit” is possibly not quite what he had in mind – though it seemed from the enthusiasm and coordination in which the Baggies sung the chant it’s possibly wasn’t the first time they’d delivered that sentiment.

Perhaps Pulis will wear it as an unlikely badge of honour in much the same way Gunners enthusiastically replicated the “Boring Boring Arsenal” chant that was aimed at their team under George Graham. I think it’s known by sociologists as re-appropriation and there may come a time for the Riverside to take back ownership and begin a trademark terrace chant of “Our football is shit” – though I suspect traditional pavlovian booing rather than double-bluff sarcasm will remain the weapon of choice on Teesside if matter don’t improve. OK, to avoid upsetting the players maybe the supporters need less audible methods of showing displeasure – there’s always the Poznań if they can’t bear to look or they could even try a slow Jazz Hands and silently wave away their impatient frustration.

Pulis has also declared that he wants to make the Riverside a difficult place to come, though not necessarily for the Boro faithful but rather instead for the opposition team. Nevertheless, the Boro manager wants the home crowd to up their game in the months ahead as he issued the rallying cry “I want the supporters to get behind the team now and really give it the best they can until the end of the season.” before adding “The away support was magnificent… Let’s transform that section today into the home crowd and make our players feel really at home.” I fear the Boro manager may have underestimated overall Teesside cynicism and grudge mentality – though the place could look a tad empty with just an approving select couple of thousand vocal supporters in it.

As the positive energy oozes almost out of control, there’s nothing like a victory over a promotion rival to get players in the mood for bold statements and George Saville didn’t disappoint as he declared: “The window is done now, we’ve got this set of boys now, there are 18 games left and we’ve got the squad and the quality to go and get promoted.” I’m sure Boro supporters will hope he’s right but many will be reserving judgement until after the upcoming games against two more contenders – with a few maybe pedantically wondering how he’s planning to sneak in an extra game into the remaining 17.

Although Saville thinks the squad are up for the challenge: “Of course we can get in the top two and close that gap down, the next two games Leeds and Sheffield United, teams around us, it’s a great chance.” However, the enthusiastic midfielder continued to mathematically confound his critics as the adrenaline rush of victory seemed to make him look forwards and backwards simultaneously “This was a big one at West Brom as well. They are the three big ones coming up. We’ve done one and we’ve got the other two.” The former Millwall player almost seemed in need of a calming arm round his shoulder “It’s over George, it’s over, you can let West Brom go now it’s behind us”.

Interestingly, Saville was also asked about Tony Pulis’s perceived negative footballing tactics but it wasn’t something he was concerned about: “He has his style and everyone has their opinions and that’s what it is but for me, you win football games. They [West Brom] have played nice football but at five o’clock you want three points and that’s what we’ve got so we are happy with that.” As for the abuse that his manager received from the Baggies supporters he simply brushed it aside: “You are going to get that in football. When I go back to my former clubs, I get dogs abuse. It’s the way football works.” Hopefully Tony Pulis won’t find himself in the Riverside dog house at the weekend if his barked instructions fail to unleash the players against Leeds or neglect to chase after the ball and play with bite.

Although, there is now a very real chance that the Boro faithful could soon be witnessing some rather fetching football at the Riverside – but they must first win the replay down at Rodney Parade to ensure that Pep Guardiola brings his sumptuous team with their sublime skills for the delectation of the Teesside public. So as Boro continue with their FA Cup odyssey, Tony Pulis is preparing to start zippin’ up his boots and going back to his roots as the Newport exile returns “To the place of my birth, Back down to earth”. Hopefully his Boro team will be back in the groove on Tuesday night – let’s just hope it’s not down to earth with a bang or even a whimper.

Of course the real prize that awaits both clubs is the high-profile televised visit of Manchester City in the next round. It may be seen as something of an unwanted distraction for the promotion-seeking Boro manager but being the centre of attention for Teesside is a rare occurrence these days – plus who knows we may even catch the Sky Blues on another bad trip to the North-East after they lost at Newcastle last week. Plus it’s surely a valid excuse to place that famous 8-1 video on loop again. Still, we must avoid complacency as to lose to lower-league opposition once and miss out on playing Citeh could be seen as a misfortune – but twice would give the appearance of being rather careless. Boro will most likely be punished if they don’t match the energy and enthusiasm of Newport on their own patch – as Leicester City discovered to their peril in the last round.

However, with two potentially pivotal league games coming up in the next week, it’s likely that Tony Pulis will make changes and try to utilise his squad. Although, defence-wise there aren’t a lot of options left to play with unless some academy players are blooded, which probably means a back four to reduce the risk of losing a central defender. At least he has plenty of central midfielders to rotate and Tavernier and Downing are fresh from having any league exertions – though Lewis Wing reportedly has a niggle and will be likely rested. Up front, the January window remainers Fletcher and Gestede are underemployed and Assombalonga’s brief match-winning cameo will not have tired him much either.

The next week may determine whether Boro still have any hopes of being an automatic promotion contender as they bid to close the seven-point gap. With Norwich at home to bottom club Ipswich in the Norfolk derby, defeat against Leeds would likely see that gap stretch to a massive ten points. It would essentially mean Tony Pulis’s team would need to win four more than the pace-setters from their remaining 16 games in order to overtake them. OK, Boro have a game in hand but that is against form team Bristol City, who haven’t lost for 12 games since defeat at Elland Road back in November and have now won their last five.

Given Boro’s meagre home form, premature talk of a top two finish could be regarded as perhaps a little delusional by some supporters. Although recent research commissioned by an events company has shown nearly three-quarters of British men are actually prone to being delusional – particularly with regard to football. Indeed, it found many men in their late twenties secretly believe they could make it as a professional footballer, with an incredible 5 per cent of men in their 30s still thinking they have what it takes to become a professional player. While it’s not known if Middlesbrough has ever signed any of these delusional over-30s, it does serve as a warning to the recruitment department – especially if tempted to insert lucrative clauses in contracts. Incidentally, the research also found that nine per cent of British pensioners still believe they have got what it takes to be famous. It wasn’t clear if that was based on a life of dedication and training or just a grudging plan to gain infamy by wreaking havoc after being pushed to breaking point by the reprimanding voice of another unidentified item in the bagging area at their local Sainsbury’s.

Nevertheless, victory over Leeds on Saturday will almost bring Boro within touching distance of their West Yorkshire rivals and give them further momentum. Despite recent Riverside rumblings of missed opportunities after being thrown by the Lions and looking like they didn’t give a hoot against the Owls, Boro have still gathered 11 useful points from their last five games. In contrast, Marcelo Bielsa team have lost four of their last six games with just the ‘Spygate’ win over Derby and a late victory at Rotherham to show for all his careful match preparation. Strange that the Mighty Whites have not been so effective since that little ruse was rumbled – just coincidence perhaps.

Whether Bielsa has despatched an undercover agent to Hurworth to discover which expansive cunning plan Tony Pulis is hatching to dish it out to the Dirties is as yet still a secret. Unless of course the sleeping agent is awoken from his soporific surveillance by the noise of the most expensive cone collector in the Championship, Stewart Downing, getting measured up for his much deserved bronze statue – which is still considerably cheaper than the real thing and could be a striking resemblance of the Pallister Park player sitting tight on the bench. It’s not clear if the offer of a statue by Pulis will break the impasse on Downing’s contract talks but rumours that the player will accept nothing smaller than the Angel of the North are said to risk casting a huge shadow over proceedings – besides a legacy planning Steve Gibson is possibly still contemplating where his burial mound should be positioned after the car park was ruled out due to logistical reasons.

One player who will be hoping to play at the Riverside will be former crowd-favourite Patrick Bamford, who has being restricted to a handful of appearances due to knee problems since his move – still at least he’s got the number nine shirt and has joined a club who he claimed wanted to make him their main man. Also making a return to Teesside is Adam Forshaw, who never really broke through from behind the Leadbitter-Clayton partnership for most of his spell at Boro. Although, he shone briefly in the Premier League and was even touted for an England call-up before once again slipping quietly out of favour again. Both will be joined by last season’s late loan arrival, Jack Harrison, whose barely noticeable impact will not linger long in the memories of Teesside folk.

Tony Pulis will be hoping the week starts with an X-Factor style homecoming down in Newport and a successful gig for his team that secures a lucrative high-profile tie against the glamorous opponents of Manchester City – before ending with a crucial victory over promotion rivals Leeds that is greeted by a once again happy and cheering Riverside. However, should the next few days not quite go as planned then I fear Tony and Teesside may be heading for relationship counselling with arguments over who really owns the Riverside poor record collection.

Championship 2018-19: Week 27

Thu 31 Jan – 23:00: Transfer Window Closes
Sat  2 Feb – 15:00: West Brom v Boro

When mathematician Dr Hannah Fry (no relation) was discussing the origin of numbers with Professor Brian Cox on Radio 4 this week, the whole tactical philosophy of Boro manager Tony Pulis appeared to be called into question when she put forward the hypothesis that perhaps the number zero doesn’t really exist in the universe. Whether the mostly unheard screams of frustration in the empty space of the Riverside stadium (or Ground Zero as it’s sometimes known) would agree with her argument that nothingness doesn’t actually exist is possibly open to conjecture – especially as footballing nothingness has become the underwhelming void into which many have been left to stare.

While Professor Cox’s statement that “even a vacuum is fizzing with activity” may possibly offer some comfort, keen Boro observers in the less rarefied atmosphere of the Riverside are still patiently waiting to detect signs of energetic movement on the pitch. Nevertheless, as supporters occupy themselves counting the ‘missing’ in the North Stand, many are starting to ponder over the presenter’s profound existential question that he so elegantly posed in his ‘Human Universe’ TV series – simply “Why are we here?”

Although, whether some Boro followers would agree with the sentiments of Brian Cox in his earlier work ‘Things can only get better’ will perhaps depend on how the strong their innate sense of pessimism is. The young physicist you may be aware played keyboards in the band D:Ream, whose feel-good hit became the anthem of choice for another much-loved Tony in order to persuade the masses that his vision of hope was authentic and not just another sound bite – sadly it was perhaps their follow-up single ‘Unforgiven’ that will more closely encapsulate Blair’s legacy following his ill-fated venture in Iraq. For many at the Riverside their only hope for a more positive approach is that the infamous ‘hand of history’ taps our own Tony on the shoulder before giving him a slap to bring him to his senses.

Coincidentally, the first recorded appearance of zero was almost 5,000 years ago in the ancient Sumerian culture of Mesopotamia, which now corresponds geographically to Iraq – along with parts of Iran, Syria and Turkey. While the Riverside is no stranger to the concept of zero, you may be interested to learn that Mesopotamia actually means ‘between two rivers’ in Greek – though the rivers in question are the Tigris and the Euphrates, with the land between them known by the Arabs as ‘Al-Jazirah’, or the island. With the great city of this region being Babylon, it’s name is claimed to stem from the Hebrew word for confusion (bavel), which is derived from the story in the Book of Genesis that describes how a Tower in Babel was being built to reach the heavens until God brought a halt to proceedings by causing the people to speak in different languages so they couldn’t understand each other.

Talking of towering confusion and failure to communicate, Tony Pulis’s team of giants once again proved largely ineffectively on the pitch as they played like proverbial strangers at that less ancient cradle of civilisation in the north-east of England. It’s not apparent how Boro contrived to be second best to a mid-table League Two side but it has become a familiar sight to watch the players become less than the sum of their parts as supposedly better quality individuals are still not gelling together in a meaningful way. As the season has progressed, the divide between expectations and what is being delivered appears to have got wider. Each negative display has seen the errors multiply and a change in fortune seems now to be dependent on the arrival of new additions.

However, many doubt whether new blood will ultimately create a radical change in the overall pattern of play or shift the focus towards becoming a more offensive team. There are also structural issues that are unlikely to to be addressed in this transfer window, such as in the full-back positions, and it seems many of the new signings already signed or rumoured to be close to signing are lacking match fitness. The patience of the Riverside crowd has been worn down by months of watching their ponderous team run out of ideas in their quest to add to their nine Championship Riverside goals since August – three of which were actually penalties and also include one own-goal. So with just five goals from open play in five months, it seems the supporters zero tolerance has begun to wear extremely thin.

Needless to say, the journey of that joyless zero from its conception to the cautious mind of the Boro manager has been long and arduous one. Having started life as a simple dot in the Hindu civilisation of India back in the middle of the fifth century, it then spread into what is now Cambodia in the seventh century. It then entered into China and the Islamic countries around a hundred years later, where it became represented by a circle, before making it’s way into Western Europe in the 12th century via Arab traders. How it eventually arrived to South Wales and the industrial landscape of Newport is not clearly described but we may assume a young Anthony Richard Pulis was introduced to the importance of giving nothing away at a very early age.

The failure of the players to be able to express themselves, other than with shrugs of shoulders and holding up of hands, has brought the role of the manager into question. There are charges that managers like Pulis like to keep a tight leash on how their players carry out their duties on the pitch. Whether the Boro manager believes that the solution to his problems is to find players who can better carry out his instructions has not been openly expressed – but he has been prone to pointing the blame at individuals in post-match briefings and only very occasionally claiming his tactics were at fault.

Perhaps the proliferation in the trend to measure players stats and the ability to model the whole game with individual heat maps and biometric data have convinced many coaches that the game of football is about the successful strategic execution of their plan rather than encouraging moments of collective interplay or individual brilliance – not to mention luck. Of course structure is important and players roles and responsibilities are all designed to make them work better as a team. However, at some point they need to play the game in real time and make their own judgements and use their experience to make decisions. A problem may arise if there is a conflict between what they think or what their manager thinks is the right course of action – does the fear of making the wrong decision ultimately outweigh the risk of attempting something off-message?

Interestingly, some managers or coaches are not particularly active on the touchline as responsibility is passed to their players once they cross the white line. Some even prefer to sit in the stands and get an overview of the pattern of play so that they can pass on observations at half-time. Tony Pulis is not that kind of manager and almost plays every ball as he stands in his technical area shouting out instructions, pointing and making all kinds of hand gestures.

The overestimation of a person’s ability to control events is known as the ‘illusion of control’ and was first identified by psychologist Ellen Langer. The illusion is more common in situations where the person knows what the desired outcome should be and is stronger when individuals have an emotional need to control the outcome. In Addition, feedback that emphasises success rather than failure can increase the effect and perhaps Tony Pulis has been conditioned over the years that he has played every ball on the touchline to save his clubs from relegation. Though the good news for those on Teesside feeling helpless as they watch their team underperform – the illusion is weaker for depressed individuals.

With the January transfer window due to close shortly at 11pm on Thursday, the clock is running down in the bid to address the team’s shortcomings. After the early arrival of a not yet match fit Rajiv van La Parra from Huddersfield, it was surprising that he remained an unused sub in the FA Cup tie against Newport as it should have been an ideal opportunity to get him further up to speed. One new recruit who did get a game though was John Obi Mikel, who arrived as a free agent last week and despite his rustiness showed he was still a class act with poise and precision of passing.

Pulis was instrumental in persuading Mikel to come to the Riverside after he apparently “snuck down” to his house and “had a good chat with him” – something that the Boro manager may need to do quite a lot this summer if he’s deployed to persuade Season Card renewals to also come back to the Riverside. As for the Nigerian, Pulis believes he can play anywhere on the pitch before the rather damning indictment of his squad that “There’s not a great deal of competition, in the position he holds himself.” Some supporters were initially worried that Mikel was an unneeded expensive trophy signing but Pulis declared “He’s come on a short-term deal and it isn’t fortunes, I’ll tell you that.” – though as to what “isn’t fortunes” in the magic money tree world of football is anybody’s guess.

Though as one classy defensive midfielder arrives, another has departed with club captain Grant Leadbitter making the move to the Sunderland club he supported as a boy and joined at the age of 16. After seven seasons in a Boro shirt, the 33 year-old Leadbitter paid tribute to everyone at the club for their support: “I couldn’t leave Middlesbrough Football Club without saying my heartfelt thanks to everyone for what has been such a wonderful and memorable part of my career”. It’s perhaps the right time for the fan’s favourite to leave the Riverside as it has become clear he was no longer foremost in Tony Pulis’s plans.

Whether he’ll be joined at the exit by Stewart Downing is still not clear but there is still no news on the situation surrounding his extension clause that prevents him starting Championship games. Though one surprise exit was Danny Batth, who despite his season-long loan at Boro, was still available to be sold by Wolves and Stoke City duly got their man. This has left Pulis with just three recognised central defenders in Ayala, Flint and Fry. While in theory both Friend and Shotton can cover, there is very little cover at full-back to regard them as such – perhaps it will be an opportunity for some academy boys to step up with the highly-rated Nathan Wood being elevated to the full squad. However, one academy player who won’t be getting his chance at Boro is Harry Chapman, who has joined Tony Mowbray’s Blackburn in a permanent move. All of which leaves the Boro recruitment team with plenty to do in the next 48 hours with the latest rumour being pacey striker Isaac Vassell of Birmingham is wanted but given he’s only 5′ 7” it may be as a wide player where he’ll fit into Pulis’s plans – he at least certainly fits the window profile of not being match fit after a recent lay-off due to injury.

So we should know by the weekend if the new-look Tony Pulis team is taking shape or whether he has once again been left frustrated by the failure to sign his targets. Nevertheless, he will need to focus on the first of a series of testing fixtures as he makes the trip to his most recent old club West Brom. When he was dismissed by the Baggies shortly before heading to Teesside, it may come as little surprise to many Boro supporters in how it was reported by the press – The Guardian wrote: “Fans who have long been bored witless by an unattractive brand of football that was no longer yielding the kind of results that led to finishes in 13th, 14th and 10th over the past three seasons have finally got what they wanted.” Before rather mischievously adding “The question now is whether they will regret the decision to sack the first man they would almost certainly approach with a view to extracting them from the current pickle if it was not he who had got them into it in the first place.”

Despite relegation, Pulis’s successor Darren Moore is still in charge at The Hawthorns and his team currently sit one place and three points above Boro. In theory this is probably a promotion six-pointer but I suspect it will be in the eyes of Tony an opportunity for a good away point – preferably a tight 0-0 to remind the ungrateful Baggies followers of what they are missing. OK, Darren Moore may have over compensated as West Brom have already scored 57 goals this season but have conceded 35 in the process. Although, this still leaves them with double the goal difference of Tony Pulis’s side, who have barely hit the net half as many times with 31 scored versus 20 conceded. Should the question be posed over which white-knuckle ride promotion-seeking supporters would prefer to be on board, then I dare say nullifying the opposition with the cult of zero would get nothing more than a shake of the head in the West Midlands – though perhaps a few choice words on Teesside.

Championship 2018-19: Week 26

Sat 26 Jan – 15:00: Boro v Newport County (FA Cup)

Few on Teesside would probably draw comparisons between Tony Pulis and Brittany Spears – not even during that time when she shaved her head when suffering a bout of depression brought on by seasonal affected disorder. Though the Boro manager has certainly affected the mood of the Riverside with a different kind of seasonal disorder that seems to stem from a continued failure to select an effective team to perform adequately at home. Learning after the event is easy but many of the Boro faithful are getting tired of hearing the same record of ‘Oops!.. I did it again’. While most of the public blame continues to be directed at the players from their manager, few observers are being hoodwinked and believe he’s not that innocent – yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah (as the song goes) and then some. But that’s not the reason why Tony has gone all Brittany on us, it’s actually more to do with the word that has been used to describe the current atmosphere at the Riverside – it’s toxic!

Still, at least the Boro manager has noticed that the club’s home form is “of concern” and he’s declared this week that “We’ve got to fight like billy-o to turn it around and make the fans happy”. For those not familiar with the expression ‘billy-o’, it’s thankfully not pronounced ‘billy zero’ as in the Tony’s favourite number, nor is it related to billy-no-mates – the default name given to the individual chosen to be Boro’s lone striker.

The actual origins are disputed with some claiming it refers to the famous 19th century steam train ‘Puffing Billy’ – though in Boro’s case when trying to score that would probably be the Huffing-and-Puffing Billy. Others have quoted references to the 17th century old school puritan preacher Joseph Billio, who enthusiastically preached ‘hellfire and damnation’. Should Tony Pulis ever appear on ‘Who do you think you are’ and trace his ancestry, he may indeed be possibly descended from Joseph Billio but the preacher sadly had, like entertainment at the Riverside, long since disappeared into obscurity before the first use of billy-o appeared.

In fact the term billy-o is most likely a minced oath, in the same way ‘Jiminy Cricket’ was a euphemism for Jesus Christ and ‘By George’ was an alternative to ‘By God’. It’s thought that billy-o came into use at the time of the 1849 gold rush and was frontier talk for the devil – which possibly derives from imagery of Satan being depicted in goat form. All of which seems entirely appropriate given that watching Boro of late has been a living hell and the Riverside faithful appear to have been going through purgatory for what appears to be an eternity. Nevertheless, Tony Pulis may find that the devil is actually in the detail and if he wants to make the fans happy then it may involve being tempted by the unoriginal sin of no longer serving up goal-fearing soulless displays.

While the end of the January transfer window may be nigh, those witnesses who were at the Riverside for the visit of Millwall were probably not of the belief that what the team was lacking was another central midfielder – especially given that their manager decided he needed to start with five of them in front of four defenders. News that Boro are closing in on the 31-year old former Chelsea player, John Obi Mikel, after he agreed terms and passed a medical has been met with a less than enthusiastic response in many Boro quarters. It’s not immediately apparent what has attracted Pulis to the 6′ 2” Nigerian, though it’s hoped he can be a big player for the team.

At least Boro’s recruitment department have proved if a player is willing to locate in north-east China then considering a move to the north-east of England may not be too much of a stretch. However, he’s unlikely to prove to be the answer to Boro’s goal-scoring problems as in his ten year career at Chelsea he managed just one league goal – a scissor-kicked effort against Fulham back in 2013 apparently. His primary role for the Blues was to protect the back four, which probably makes him more of a replacement for Clayton both in terms of a defensive shield and as an attacking threat.

Given the supposedly budgetary restrictions at the club it appears odd that signing a likely high-wage earner in Mikel has been a priority for Pulis. Perhaps he perversely still sees conceding goals is more the source of the problem than scoring at the other end. We shouldn’t forget that at Game 18 when we sat second in the table, Boro’s against column wasn’t yet into double figures but ten games later we’re now up to 20. The Boro manager may have concluded that since our scoring record has remained more or less constant at on average one goal per game, it’s the doubling of the rate that goals are being conceded that has been responsible for his team’s dropping off the pace.

One player who the club are seemingly reluctant to sign, at least for any longer, is Stewart Downing. News emerged that he’s been left stranded like a batsmen on 99, one short of the magic number that will trigger a one-year contract extension on seemingly an improved deal of the £35 grand a week one he currently enjoys. He may in his defence argue that he initially took a pay cut to join Boro when he joined from West Ham and has kept himself in good shape in order to gain the long-term security of an extended deal. Though it possibly wasn’t the best idea by the the club to offer a lucrative contract extension to any player who will turn 35 in the summer – especially as the terms of the deal aren’t linked to what league he’ll be playing in.

After spells at Villa and the Hammers, Downing’s certainly has a penchant for playing in Claret and Blue, so he may be pleased to hear that Burnley are the latest of those colours to show interest and are said to be “monitoring the situation” – no doubt lining-up a comfortable seat next to Ben Gibson on their bench. While Downing has by no means been the worst under-performing player in a Boro shirt, his return to the club has split opinion among supporters, with some of the least impressed even offering to drive him to Turf Moor if an offer materialises – though thankfully for Stewie it appears Prince Philip is not among them.

However, Downing should possibly still be wary of taking a taxi just in case the hapless Duke has returned to the wheel and is looking for fares. You may recall, the 97-year old famously admitted to driving around London for 18 years in a black cab in order to blend in with the crowd – it was perhaps the perfect cover for him as erratic manoeuvres while making obscene hand gestures are generally expected from from London cabbies and usually go unnoticed. Although, seemingly old habits die hard and as recently as 2016 the Uber royal driver personally picked up and drove his guests, the Obamas, to Windsor Castle. Whether he got a decent tip is not known but he was snapped by the paparazzi at the wheel unbuckled and grinning, or possibly squinting, with an uneasy looking Barack in the passenger seat getting ready to practise the brace position. Though rumours that the Greek consort is being groomed by Prince Charles into saving the planet by driving President Trump to extinction as he makes a secret post-Brexit visit have been rubbished as ‘just the usual conspiracy theories’.

Talking of players wanting to end their career at Middlesbrough, Charlton Athletic striker Karlan Grant is the latest to be linked with a move to Teesside after scoring 14 goals in 27 appearances for the League One outfit. Before anyone rushes to point out the fact that he’s only 21, I should remind any helpful readers that recent history has shown us that a move to Boro for a promising striker often carries the risk of being career-ending as their goal-scoring prowess gets lost among the rows of immaculate banjos in the Hurworth cowshed. Bernie Slaven recently claimed that a striker wouldn’t view coming to Boro at the moment as a good career move – especially as a lone striker under the expert guidance of Tony ‘never mind the goals count the crosses’ Pulis.

Though if supporters want a demonstration that Boro really mean business (good or bad) in the January window then the Birmingham Mail have reported that “Middlesbrough have re-ignited their interest in Yannick Bolasie” after he returned to Everton early from his loan spell at Aston Villa. Given that Villa reportedly paid all of his £75 grand a week wages, re-igniting is the possibly the appropriate word – as in setting fire to a large wad of cash that will surely burn more than a hole in Steve Gibson’s pocket if the rumour has any substance. Bolasie is apparently not in Marco Silva’s plans but wants to stay and fight for his place at the Toffees (where ever that may be) – though that’s usually just code for “I’ve got a nice lucrative contract and I’m not taking a penny less than I’m entitled to”. As to why Bolasie was returned early from his season-long loan is not clear – though the possibility of sending season-long loanees back to Everton may be of interest to some on Teesside with regard to a certain Mo Besic given his largely ineffective second spell at Boro. Incidentally, the Telegraph suggested the Bolasie deal would be financed by moving Clayton, Leadbitter and Fletcher off the wage bill – which may explain the imminent arrival of Mikel.

Though enough of rumours and lazy journalistic column fillers, Boro return to FA Cup action on Saturday and a chance to indulge supporters in the fantasy that another goal-fest at the Riverside is literally only days away. While Boro’s Championship displays may have not even been one for the purists, the 5-0 thrashing of that other Posh Boro from down south will perhaps persuade a few on Teesside that this is where the real entertainment is to be found these days. Furthermore, our next opponents, Newport County, aren’t even League One fodder and are currently languishing in the middle of the fourth-tier table. OK, a few may be slightly concerned that they dumped a not quite second-string Premier League Leicester City out of the Cup in the third round – though that was back at their place in the quirkily-named Rodney Parade, which sounds a bit like a march in solidarity along Peckham High Street for down-trodden brothers.

Whilst a tie against Newport may not be seen as anything other than rather ordinary for many on Teesside – other than being the battle of the Transporter Bridges – it is indeed a special day for the Boro manager, who faces the club of his home town. Tony Pulis has been reminiscing this week of his upbringing in Newport, which almost seemed to slip into a Pythonesque ‘Four Yorkshiremen’ sketch as he proudly boasted “We had nothing but we had everything” – though oddly no mention of the shoebox in the middle of the road in which all a hundred and sixty of them lived or drinking tea from a rolled up newspaper.

Instead, he recalled that their family of eight grew up in a small terraced house and how he had to share a bed with his three brothers up until he was 15 – though hopefully not a single one sleeping sideways with a bag of cement for a pillow. Although, it could explain his fondness for closing down space on the pitch and having a tight back four or even his insistence that players keep rigidly to their position on the pitch. With his two sisters sharing another bedroom, his parents slept in a small box room and led a simple life where they seemingly made their own entertainment – pretty much in the same way as those who visit the Riverside do today.

Apparently, Tony Pulis is inviting lots of family and friends from Newport to watch the game at the Riverside and his wife Debs said it’s going to cost him a fortune. No doubt the Boro manager will be keen that his team put on a good show (as usual) and make him proud. Pulis will likely make some changes from his usual suspects and hopefully we’ll see more adventure with a chance for some of the forwards to get a game. The danger for the Boro manager is that his team fail to turn up and put in another low-intensity error-strewn performance that then get the crowd on their backs from early in the game. Therefore I’d expect favourites such as Wing and Tavernier to start, along with van La Parra – otherwise any signs of a return to the toxic atmosphere with a chorus of boos, or even chants of ‘Pulis Out’, would be extremely embarrassing for Tony on his big day.

Championship 2018-19: Week 25

Sat 19 Jan – 15:00: Boro v Millwall

As we approach the latest anti-climatic milestone on the road to nowhere, there has been much talk of unicorns in the media of late. While tales of mythical beasts that roam in a land far far away may have become the metaphor of choice for those who seek to ridicule their opponents – it appears for those who have been blessed by the footballing gods, there were also stories of other mythical beasts that graze in the forgotten lands of the Championship. In the press conference that followed the first-leg crushing of Burton, Pep Guardiola paid tribute to his opponents by declaring: “I wanted to congratulate them for an incredible tournament. They beat mythical teams – like Aston Villa and Middlesbrough.”

What kind of sky-blue thinking is this from the City manager? Can it be true that Boro only exist in our collective imaginations? Perhaps he was possibly just taking the proverbial or was left grasping for a suitable adjective to describe two clubs who mysteriously failed to turn up against their semi-final opponents – though it seems Burnley and Forest, who were also slain by Burton on their quest for the treasured trophy, managed to escape mythical tag. The Brewers looked decidedly punch drunk after their 9-0 lashing at the Etihad Stadium and suddenly many on Teesside gave a collective sigh of relief with the revisionist view on Boro’s meek exit in the Carabao Cup was perhaps a good result in hindsight.

Nevertheless, despite their new-found mythical status, the narrative for Boro this season has been one of missed opportunity at the Riverside and a lack of belief that Tony Pulis is prepared to unleash his team against Championship opposition. It’s become clear to most observer that what is hindering Boro’s promotion campaign is their inability to collect points at home. Boro currently sit in 21st place in the eight-game home form table with just six goals scored and two wins chalked up against bottom-club Ipswich and strugglers Wigan – who are incidentally joint-bottom of the 8-game away form table with just 2 points.

Tony Pulis may have saddled up his own particular unicorn and has so far ridden out a series of ineffective blunt single-striker performances at the Riverside, which have often proved to be little more than a fantasy in terms of delivering those magic goals to beat the opposition. Although, we recently caught a glimpse of what is possible with a unicorn-culling line-up in the FA Cup where any accusations of dinosaur tactics were laid to rest with an unexpected Triceratops-inspired three-pronged striker attack. OK, Pulis may have over-compensated on that particular over-crowded arrangement but giving the opposition defence multiple problems is perhaps the way to go at home – particularly if he can continue to get his only recognised playmaker in Wing to orchestrate the attack and play to his forwards strengths. The question is whether the Boro manager has seen the light and is ready to illuminate the Riverside with much brighter way forward.

However, the fear for the Boro faithful is that the outlook at the Riverside will remain gloomy if an over-cautious Tony Pulis continues to decide against gambling to achieve victory. In truth we’re still in the dark on whether the Boro manager is ready to change tack but the question is how long will they be prepared to endure the darkness if business as usual fails to make Boro shine? Perhaps we could draw on the experience of professional poker player, Rich Alati, who was posed a similar dilemma by fellow player, Rory Young, and whether he could last 30 days in isolation in a completely darkened room. After an hour of discussion, a bet of $100,000 was agreed between the men, which would be paid to the other depending on whether Alati stayed the course or not.

At the beginning of November last year, Alati entered a soundproofed bathroom with no light or access to the outside world and would receive four randomly spaced meals each day so that he couldn’t judge the passing of time. All he had to pass the time was a yoga mat, a resistance band and a massage ball, plus of course a bath with some lavender oils and sugar soap – though no Tony Pulis flannel or the froth of Boro bubble bath apparently.

While the risk of going crazy in such a situation must be high, Boro fans usually find that lying down in a darkened room with the hands over their ears is what normally keeps most of them sane following a disappointing game. Young was banking on the fact that studies found that prisoners placed in solitary confinement usually started to crack after 15 days and indeed United Nations has declared keeping someone for more than two weeks in isolation constitutes torture – something Tony Pulis may need to be made aware if he plans to continue with a lone striker. While the definition of torture may be different on Teesside, symptoms of anxiety, anger and despair would likely manifest themselves – though that’s in isolation not the Riverside in case any were wondering.

Despite experiencing hallucinations of white balls floating around – perhaps in a similar way that Boro’s isolated lone strikers sometimes speak of – Rich Alati passed the 15-day mark in good mental shape thanks to his meditation skills. It was at this point that Rory Young realised he was probably going to lose the bet and offered Alati a deal to come out, which eventually after several days of haggling was agreed at $62,400 and he emerged on Day 20 wearing very dark glasses to protect his eyes. Whether some of the Boro faithful would have chosen to remain in a darkened room for longer is not known – though it may be dependent on expectations that Tony Pulis is preparing to move towards more positive tactics.

Incidentally, not all bets among competitive associates always end amicably – especially if alcohol is involved. The cautionary tale of four golfing buddies, who were indulging in a few beers in the clubhouse may serve to act as a warning of the dangers of gambling more than you’re prepared to lose. One of the group, Everitt Sanchez, took up the rather unusual wager that involved a somewhat unintended personal hygiene use of a golf ball washer that had been installed at the club. Keen to win the bet, Sanchez had managed to precariously straddle the ball washer and successfully lowered his rather delicate dangly bits into the machine – though before he could collect his winnings, one of the group mischievously decided to crank up the speed on machine, which consequently wedged Sanchez’s scrotum into the mechanism. As Sanchez passed out with pain, he then unfortunately fell, detaching himself from the more tender parts of his anatomy that were still trapped in the machine. I’ll spare you some of the more graphic details but this episode earned Sanchez the accolade of being the first surviving person to be nominated for a Darwin Award – normally awarded to those who died due to gross acts of stupidity that prevented them from passing on their genes to the rest of humanity. So as our friend Ray Winstone would say “Please gamble responsibly.”

While those on Teesside may have been traumatised after witnessed their fair share of eye-watering displays this season, there is hope that the manager can soon find a team that makes the Riverside a more daunting prospect for visiting sides. Britt Assombalonga had shown in recent weeks that he can score goals if Boro play to his strengths – including the top-corner curling effort against Blackburn, that coolly slotted finish in the Cup when played in on goal and that great chipped effort last week against Birmingham. The £15m man has been feeding off scraps under Pulis’s preference to play with a lone striker with his back to goal and it’s clearly not his game. Those three goals mentioned earlier were the culmination of him running towards goal after the ball was delivered to his feet – it highlights how getting the best out of players can be achieved.

Boro arguably have the players to hurt teams and it will be hard to think that Tony Pulis hasn’t noticed what has worked better. From the vantage point of supporters, it appears players such as Wing, Tavernier, Saville, Assombalonga and new arrival Rajiv van La Parra could form quite a dynamic attacking force – plus most of them have proved they can score goals. The Boro manager has so far persisted with Howson, Downing and Besic in the hope they deliver the kind of threat that it seems has eluded them for quite some considerable time.

This Saturday sees the visit of Millwall to the Riverside and it is the return fixture of the opening day of the season in which Boro made that very late comeback to draw 2-2. You may recall that Tony Pulis’s side had for the first hour at the Den been lacklustre and it was the introduction of Wing and Tavernier that swung the game in their favour. Perhaps the Boro manager will consider starting with both of them this time from the off rather than risking the need for another late rescue operation. While Wagner may have heard the fat lady sing his demise down the road at Huddersfield, it’s possible that we’ll see a performance of the Flying Dutchman that he loaned to us if van La Parra makes his Riverside bow. Also I’m sure George Saville will be keen to prove he’s worth the £7m fee that his club agreed on so he could join Boro – though that may be more aimed at the supporters of his new club.

After beating Ipswich 3-0 at the end of October, Millwall then went eight games without a win and dropped into the bottom three, which seemed to act as a wake-up call as they then won three on the spin before the defeat last week at home to Tony Mowbray’s Blackburn. Manager Neil Harris has been unable to build on the good second half to last season that saw his team narrowly lose out on a play-off place after showing automatic promotion form with 46 points from 23 games. The Lions are currently down in 20th spot and 15 points outside the top six and I suspect they will be more concerned with not getting dragged into a relegation battle – though having said that, they were 12 points outside the play-offs at this stage last term.

Boro have a chance to continue to close the gap on the teams above them with both Norwich and West Brom failing to win any of their last three games – in fact the Canaries have only won one of their last six after an amazing run of 25 points from 27 saw them hit top spot. This has allowed Sheffield United to make a move into the automatic promotion spot after a run of four victories on the bounce has seen the Blades cut to the promotion chase.

Meanwhile, Leeds recovered from their mini-festive wobble after a win over Derby that was played with the controversy of ‘Spygate’ still lurking in the background. The Leeds manager, Marcelo Bielsa, admitted openly to sending a camouflaged employee with binoculars to the Derby training ground to gain helpful information on Frank Lampard’s tactics – something he claimed was a perfectly acceptable practice back in Argentina. Whether Tony Pulis has been inspired to deploy agent Flemming behind enemy lines in East London is something we may never know but let’s hope Millwall don’t find out about our top secret plan of starting on Saturday with a lone strike!

Championship 2018-19: Week 24

Sat 12 Jan – 15:00: Birmingham v Boro

Tony Pulis has apparently had a nice chat with Steve Gibson to enquire over what his credit card limit could be for some late bargains in the January sales – though I think he put it in slightly different terms with the rather mundane sounding phrase “We have to work within the framework of the football club”. No doubt the world-weary chairman perhaps ended the conversation by taking a deep breath and speaking at almost incomprehensible speed his usual disclaimer to his manager:

“All purchases are made in good faith and cannot be returned if subsequently proved to be faulty or not deemed fit for purpose. All contracts are subject to medical approval and age restrictions can apply. The purchaser reserves the right to withdraw from the deal at any time and is not responsible for being unable to reach an agreement on agent’s fees. This is a promotional offer and your job may be at risk if you can’t keep up the repayment of points. Terms and conditions apply.”

Nevertheless, it seems Tony could be looking at the man much further upstairs for divine intervention this time round in the transfer market as he declared “I’m hoping and praying we can get a couple in that will improve us.” I’m sure many of the Boro faithful will say Amen to that but it may start to sound like man who is giving an ever so slight impression of being a somewhat desperate after the disappointment of the summer business. Besides, Pulis has just gone there after admitting that he’d been “desperate” to finally sign a player with pace following sealing the loan deal of van La Parra. He has therefore maybe already played the overly-keen hyperbole card a little too early in the window and has subsequently left himself with only “I’m begging you” followed by “pretty please” in terms of displaying increased leverage to potential signings. It’s possible Tony will once again resort to inventing his own phrases like “leg beater” as he did when describing the pacey man from Huddersfield – perhaps Boro followers should start preparing themselves for Connor Wickham to be described as a “big ballsy bacon saver” after Ashley Fletcher heads on loan to Hull.

Talking of less than sizzling Danish offerings, Martin Braithwaite has had his loan move to Spanish La Liga outfit Leganés confirmed this week after promises that the unsettled forward would get his head down turned out to be nothing more than porkies. Following the collapse of his last-minute move in the summer, Braithwaite’s desire to play for a big club has finally been realised and he’s looking forward to playing in front of heaving full houses of 12,450. Leganés or to give them their full name Club Deportivo Leganés, S.A.D. are located in the south of Madrid and are managed by former Southampton manager Mauricio Pellegrino – though while I’m not sure what S.A.D. actually stands for it sounds like it may be something Middlesbrough should consider adding to their club name too in order to fully reflect the default mood of the supporters.

You may be interested to learn that Leganés are nicknamed Los Pepineros, which apparently means ‘The Cucumber Growers’ and may explain why their initial interest in signing the Dane in the summer was cool – although it’s possibly not a nickname that lends itself to football chanting and perhaps their fans wouldn’t enthusiastically sing “We love you Cucumber Growers we do, We love you Cucumber Growers we do” much in the same way Boro fans would be compelled. With regard to the financial aspects of the deal, it’s been suggested that because of their low stadium capacity, Leganés are unlikely to be paying Braithwaite’s full wages (rumoured to be a lot more than he deserved) and Boro are still possibly stumping up half of them. However, it should be noted they actually received €76m in prize money last season before sponsorship income is added to their less than substantial gate receipts, which probably makes them wealthier than any Championship club. Anyway, after two forced January exits, any chance that the Dane has a future at Boro beyond the summer are probably as close to zero as any very small number less than miniscule proffered.

The key to January will be whether the club have discovered how to attract the right kind of players to Teesside. Since his arrival, the Boro manager has apparently been busy behind the scenes bringing together all the strands of the recruitment network into a coherent strategic unit with the aim of identifying inexpensive talent before rivals do – it may sound a perfectly sensible approach, though cynics may see this as nothing more than an aspirational soundbite.

According to the paper trail from Bulgaria (that’s the country not the Womble), the latest target to appear on Boro’s wanted list is a young forward called Despodov. Amateur etymolgists among the Boro faithful could be forgiven for thinking that the meaning of his name sounds unerringly in English like ‘Disposed of’ and may initially jump to the conclusion that CSKA simply want rid. But not so fast, the £5m-rated Kiril Despodov appears to be highly sought after and has already scored ten goals this season, which potentially makes him even more of a bargain than the last goal-scoring signing Saville.

To avoid any confusion, I should make it clear that the new Boro recruitment team is not based on the Wombles desire for picking up rubbish or is even being headed by Bungo himself – although others have occasionally voiced the alternative opinion that with regard to some of the deals in past it has sometimes given an impression of being run by Muppets instead. Incidentally, like all old favourites, the Wombles were recently rebooted with the voice of Tobermory played by hardman Ray Winstone – which perhaps may shock children of a delicate nature when he shouts “Oi Orinoco, start picking up that litter you slag!” In case anyone is unfamiliar with the character Tobermory, his profile states: “He is patient and steadfastly positive and a strong supporter of most any endeavour the young wombles embark upon.” – so basically a bit like Tony Pulis but without the cuddly exterior.

Whatever the characters involved in recruitment, many supporters at the Riverside would love to see a big name arrive on Teesside but rumours of potential interest in Joshua Erowoli Orisunmibare Oluwaseun Maja from Sunderland was perhaps not quite what they had in mind. Still, the Black Cats striker has scored a credible 14 in 22 appearances this season in League One – though following the 5-0 thrashing of Peterborough that may not be enough to impress Tony Pulis as he seems to rate goals against third tier opposition as being of less significance. The Boro manger was not getting carried away as he tried to keep a lid on the over-emotional element who had witnesses the club’s biggest victory in four years: “We’re playing against a League One side, we’re not playing against a top Championship side. So for as much as I’m delighted and pleased, there’s levels… we have to take everything in context.” Although for many long-suffering supporters the context was finally witnessing a goal-fest at the Riverside rather than an unpalatable diet of dreary low-scoring performances.

Tony Pulis may have a point, the Boro faithful shouldn’t suddenly start expecting to see their team play exciting attacking football like we did in the cup games against the inferior opposition of Peterborough and Burton. To do so could risk Boro being on the end of a heavy defeat against better quality opposition such as the likes of Aston Villa. Although having said that, it’s possible it may have slipped the Boro manager’s mind that his team failed to score against previous League One cannon-fodder Burton after adopting less adventurous tactics and meekly lost the tie. He may also recall his cautious ponderous side were recently thumped 3-0 at home to Villa. So it’s surely a case of finding the right balance and while few are urging him to go all Kevin Keegan, the opposition may in fact be more wary of Boro if they started seeing a few more results in the Peterborough bracket. Up until that point the message his side were giving was that if you manage to score against us you probably won’t lose and could even win as Boro have only scored more than one goal 4 times in the last 15 games – though never more than two.

As Boro head to Garry Monk’s Birmingham on Saturday, it’s perhaps unlikely that Tony Pulis will opt to field three strikers from the off. Although it certainly would show intent and at least surprise the former Boro manager but few observers would be surprised to see a return to business as usual in the safety-first Championship campaign. One player who should be first on the teamsheet is Lewis Wing after his second-half introduction transformed the game with his range of passing, vision and forward momentum – not to mention his goal threat. Boro now have a playmaker who must be the envy of many teams in the Championship and it would be unthinkable that he can now be overlooked by his manger.

It’s going to be possibly one of the hardest team selections of the season for Tony Pulis to make as despite his pragmatic view of the 5-0 thrashing of Peterborough, he must know he has decisions to make. He may even be tempted to give Ashley Fletcher another rare start before contemplating his exit as it would appear unduly hasty to curtail his Boro career at the point where he finally started looking the part. Whether Rajiv van La Parra, or ‘Raj’ as he’s called by the Boss, is ready to start will depend on his match fitness – though Tony’s cautious nature may see Stewart Downing begin instead. The other decision will be who from his plethora of midfield option will he turn too? His old favourites of Besic and Howson have not really delivered often enough to continue to make them first choices – though Howson may get the nod as right wing-back if van La Parra starts on the bench. Pulis is also a fan of tough-tackling Saville and has generally deployed Clayton as his defensive midfielder. In addition, Paddy McNair showed in the Cup he’s also a viable option in midfield and even Leadbitter added leadership and a different dimension. Whoever gets the nod, the name of the game is picking up the points and trying to keep ahead of the play-off contenders and staying hot on the heels of the top two.

Birmingham currently sit top of the 8-game home form table with 17 points and a +9 goal difference – likewise, Boro sit second and just one point behind Norwich in the 8-game away form table with 15 points. Garry Monk’s side are just outside the play-offs at the moment in eighth spot and will see the game against Boro as an opportunity to narrow that gap. Interestingly, both teams share the same goal difference with the Blues having scored and conceded ten more goals. On paper this should be a close game and it may be a case of whether either of managers prefers not to lose rather than win. After the hectic festive schedule, January is a much more sober month with just two Championship games and also no midweek match until mid-February. Most of the action will probably take place off the pitch as managers shuffle their packs in preparation for the business end of the season – it’s therefore important Boro remain focussed on picking up points to keep them well placed should others falter.

The latest in a series of profiles and interviews, Original Fat Bob gives his personal view on the life and career of a footballing guest, before sitting down for a chat and asking a few questions. Our Diasboro special guest this week is Ron Bone.

1. The Overview – the man and his career

In 2015 The Football League announced 72 ‘Club Heroes’, identifying a member of staff at each of the 72 Football League clubs.  The award highlighted the role played by staff at clubs throughout the League, whose work often goes unnoticed.  All clubs were asked to nominate one member of staff to be acknowledged for their loyal and dedicated service off the pitch.  Those selected covered a whole variety of roles showing the many different aspects of a professional football club and included employees that have been involved with their club for over 10 years. It is significant that Middlesbrough Football Club nominated Ron Bone a loyal servant of the Boro for over thirty years, who received a special commemorative glass plaque to mark the occasion.

After first being appointed as a part-time scout by Bruce Rioch in 1987,
Ron Bone retired as Head of Academy recruitment at MFC last summer

I met Ron Bone at an MFC Ex-players event, which celebrated the achievements of Bryan Robson, his coaches and his team during those heady years now long ago. It was the time when Boro unveiled a new Stadium, a Premiership Quality Academy and World Class International Superstar Players and Ron was part of the background staff. Also, at the dinner when I talked to Ron were a few of the “Robson Team” including Ron’s signings: Curtis Fleming, Mark Summerbell, Steve Baker and Andy Campbell.

It was hard to believe whilst talking to Ron, that he is now aged 75 and only recently retired last summer as the Head of Academy Recruitment. Looking fit and well, as if he has retired too soon, he played a major part for over thirty years, in ensuring Boro currently has an Academy to be proud of. It was also well known by other Clubs that the players who graduated from our Academy, were fine professionals, irrespective of which team or league they would eventually be playing in.

Statistics to date show that an incredible 95 players played first team football for Middlesbrough, or another Professional Football Club. Also 18 players played international football at U21 level, or higher and that’s just since the Academy started in 1998. Ron was with the club long before that and was responsible for many players being part of the Boro, that we all love. Alan Moore whom Ron scouted in Ireland and he rated highly, was actually recruited by him as a scout when Alan finished playing football and is still scouting for the club.

Ron only became a scout because, although he played as a schoolboy, (Durham Schools) and he signed for Sunderland, unfortunately he was struck down by rheumatic fever which put an end to his playing vocation.

He built up his own career, running a successful Insurance business, before the lure of football dragged him back to his first love.

He joined Middlesbrough in 1987 and it was initially only a part time scouting role, looking for players.

When he talked to the Middlesbrough Football Club web site. on his plans for retirement, it didn’t include watching football…

“I’ll probably play more golf, my son’s big into that right now, watch cricket and travel. But it may surprise a few people to know that I won’t be watching much football.”

What he may be doing, is indulging in something that has brought entertainment to many over six decades, playing his guitar.

“I’ve been playing since I was 14. I still enjoy it and believe it or not I’ve had a couple of offers to go and join bands, but I don’t think at my age I could stand on the stage for that long,” he says with a healthy laugh.

“I’m a lead guitarist, but I’ve done them all, lead, rhythm and bass. I’m right into the Eagles, Cliff and Shadows, Mark Knopfler but I have a wide range of music tastes, anything to do with guitars.

“I’m like a little boy in a sweet shop when I go to a guitar shop. I just stand at gaze through the window, there’s just something about guitars I like looking at.”

So, after him agreeing to talk to us at Diasboro, let’s see what he has to say and try and find out why he was so successful at finding so many stars for the Boro.

2. The Interview – a quick chat

OFB: Can you tell us how you came to join Middlesbrough Football Club, also who was the Manager who took you to Boro, and what was your relationship with him?

RB: I was running a kid’s team (Hilda Park – OFB) in Chester le Street and had Gary Bowyer (son of Ian) Paul Nattrass (son of Irving) Andy Todd and Gregor Rioch playing for us. I was also scouting for Newcastle Utd, but in 1987 Bruce Rioch persuaded me to join Boro as a part-time scout.

When “Toddy” (Colin Todd – OFB) took over in 1990, he asked me to take charge of the youth set up at Middlesbrough as Youth Development Officer.

I had a great relationship then with Colin Todd and I still do.

After Ron started as a part-time scout under Bruce Rioch, he was then
put in charge of the youth set up at Middlesbrough under Colin Todd

OFB: Where were you born and whom did you support as a boy?

RB: Chester le Street and I supported both Sunderland and Gateshead as a boy.

RB: How did working with young players change when the “Centres of Excellence” were converted to “Academies,” did it mean working longer and harder to achieve results?

RB: My initial role was to build up the scouting network, then later to improve the Centres of Excellence, but also contribute to the senior scouting system, thus spotting the likes of Curtis Fleming, Craig Hignett, Richard Liburd and Chris Freestone.

So, to clarify: my role from 1990 to 1998 was to oversee the youth dept. This included the coaches, scouts, centres of excellence, keeping log books, the further education scheme etc and scout at youth and senior level. This changed in 1998 when the Academy system came in and my role was Head of Recruitment dealing with the youth scouts although I still assisted with some senior scouting.

Working with young players changed considerably when we became an Academy. We had total access to the boys for coaching and were able to have teams from 9’s to 16’s playing in the Academy leagues. This access went even further as we were also allowed to have them once a week on day release, providing coaching and education. I wouldn’t say we had to work harder to get results, but we had to be a lot smarter particularly when we achieved cat 1 status

OFB: Did you look for a certain style of play, for any individual player and did you take their height and body structure into consideration?

RB: I’ve always looked for technical players, but more than ever pace has become a huge requirement in the modern game. I learned as I went on, how important mental toughness was also.

OFB: What was the furthest you travelled to go and watch a player did you go and travel overseas?

RB: Gareth asked me to cover the World Under-20 Championships in Canada and I saw the likes of Aguero, Suarez and Sanchez, that was a great experience. Steve McLaren asked me to cover an U21 game in Austria and I had a mini stroke whilst away. I managed to get home and continued working until I had an operation to replace a blocked artery in my neck. The job came first!

OFB: How many full time and part time scouts were at the Boro during your time?

RB: During my time at the Boro, I had Keith Noble and Peter Kirkley full time in the early days and Martin Carter and Allan Clarke in the latter years.

OFB: You have been involved with a lot of success whilst you were at the Boro including: FA Youth Cup winners and runners-up, U18 National Champions, U14 National Champions.

Incredibly on May 7th, 2006, 15 of the 16 players on duty in a Premier League game against Fulham at Craven Cottage were from the junior ranks of Middlesbrough Football Club. So, from all those achievements, what, was your most memorable game with the Juniors, or are there too many?

RB: Winning the Youth Cup was the most memorable, but I think the biggest achievement was the U18s winning the Premier League title and going into Europe.

OFB: Did you have any nicknames given by the players to you and did you have nicknames for them?

RB: I didn’t know of any nickname the players gave me not to my face any way ha ha. The players just had the usual, Kav, Moorsey, Wheats, Bakes etc.

OFB: Who were the best and worst trainers during all those years you spent with them?

RB: David Atkinson was the worst player in training, he always had an excuse not to do the bleep test, but he was a terrific player though. Stewy and Ben Gibson were always super fit.

 As well as being one of Ron’s favourite Boro players, he also
remembers Stuart Downing as one of the fittest at the club too

OFB: Who were the jokers in the team?

RB: Tony McMahon was the joker in the pack.

OFB: Can you tell us any amusing anecdotes or pranks that were played by the young players?

RB: Nothing that springs to mind.

OFB: What was your worst game or experience with the lads and why?

RB: Every time we lost to Sunderland and Newcastle!

OFB: Who was in your opinion, the best manager that Boro have ever had to date and why?

RB: Bryan Robson brought some fantastic players to the club and put the club on the map whilst Steve McLaren brought our first “silverware” to the club.

OFB: Who was in your opinion, the manager or coach that has had the greatest influence on your career and why?

RB: I’ll always be grateful to Colin Todd for having faith in me to bring me in full-time, but I got on well with all my managers. I have so much respect for Gareth Southgate and am delighted with his success with the national team,

OFB: Which opposing Junior team and which player did you fear playing against?

RB: Leeds were always tough opponents to play against. The best young player we ever came across was Joe Cole.

OFB: Who was your own footballing hero and why?

RB: George Best was the best player I ever saw play. He had everything in the make-up of a total footballer. He was skilful, quick, brave, two footed, made goals and scored goals

OFB: Who has been, or still is, your favourite Boro player of all time and why?

RB: Juninho is the best player I’ve ever seen at Boro. He was a special player and a special person. He loves the club and the Boro fans.

OFB: Now this is a question that may take some thinking about and needs answering diplomatically, but who in your opinion, were the best eleven Middlesbrough players you scouted and signed for the Boro?

RB: Difficult to say as there were so many and I wouldn’t want to offend anyone by missing them out. It was always a thrill to see them make their first team debuts and go on to represent their country.

I was particularly pleased when Summers (Mark Summerbell – OFB) made his debut away to Spurs because he was so small when he joined us as a YTS kid at 16.

The last player that Ron brought to Middlesbrough before he retired
was Lewis Wing, who joined the club from non-league Shildon

Also a mention must be made of Lewis Wing, who was the last ever player I brought in before I retired. His progress from Northern League football with Shildon, to where he is now has been phenomenal.

Danny Graham was another who came from Chester Town and he has carved out a very good career for himself.

OFB: What was your relationship like with the Managers and Coaches you’ve worked under during the years?

RB: I got on very well with all the managers I worked with. They all had different attributes, but all of them treated me with respect.

Terry Venables was the one who surprised me most. When Bryan brought him in, I thought he was a bit of a playboy, just from things I’d seen in the media. In reality though, he was the complete opposite.  He wasn’t a great socialiser or drinker and he used to love just going for walks with his dog. He’d talk for hours about football and was meticulous in his planning and preparation as well as being a fantastic coach.

In 1998 when the Academy system came in, I recommended Dave Parnaby to come in as Middlesbrough football Club Academy Director and I reverted to Head of Recruitment. We had a fantastic relationship, lots of success and we both retired together in May 2017.

OFB: Who is your current favourite Boro player today and why?

RB: It’s got to be Stewy (Downing OFB) but Dael Fry is going to be some player!

OFB: Have you made many friends during your very successful football career?

I have countless friends in football too many to mention but one stands out who still keeps in touch. Salif Bagayoko was a 16 year old boy who came to us from France. He was totally bewildered coming to England so I decided to bring him home to stay with my wife and 2 boys. After 2 months he was ready to move into digs in Stockton with the likes of Kav and Alan Moore. He moved to Bastia FC a few years later but has kept in touch with me ever since. When Dave and I retired, the club organised a farewell do at Rockliffe with many ex players in attendance and Salif came over from France. That brought a tear to my eyes

OFB: Do you have any regrets in your career?

RB: I have no regrets in my career, l loved my job. I did have other opportunities though as I was offered a senior scouting role with a Premier League club. I was also sounded out by 2 agencies for a role in the Middle East and one not so far from home!

But, I wasn’t interested, my heart and soul are with Boro.

OFB: If you hadn’t had such a great career, what do you think you would have done in life?

RB: If I hadn’t a career in pro football I would probably been on the periphery and worked as an agent. The bit I said about David Atkinson in training, I’ve got to say all the boys used to joke about Akky when he was a schoolboy going missing when they were doing the bleep test, but he was a terrific player.

Also, when I mentioned the likes of Chris Freestone, Richard Liburd etc, I forgot to mention Craig Liddle who I brought from Blyth Spartans. He was one of my Hilda Park players as a youngster (and look where Craig is now! OFB)

OFB: A huge thank you Ron, for taking the time to talk to Diasboro and our readers and we wish you a long and happy retirement. Keep playing the golf and practicing on your guitar and I hope to bump into you again at another MFC event.

Championship 2018-19: Week 23

Tue 1 Jan – 15:00: Derby v Boro
Sat 5 Jan – 15:00: Boro v Peterborough (FA Cup)

As Teesside gets ready to head into another new year, the sound of the Boro recruitment department singing merrily “Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never thought upon” is probably more of a ponderous rhetorical question than an act of celebration. As the promotion Champagne remains firmly on ice in his hotel mini-bar, Tony Pulis will be looking to build on his impressive victory over the bottom-of-the-table stuck-in-third-gear Tractor Boys. Off the pitch, the manager is looking to enhance his promotion squad with the kind of quality signings some supporters can only dream about – by which I suspect for many will be of the recurring kind or indeed the deeply disturbing wake up in a cold sweat type.

Nevertheless, a return to winning ways has at least avoided the Boro chairman of the need to start communicating to the faithful in order to bestow the proverbial vote of confidence on his manger after a rather unconvincing three months. In fact Steve Gibson has been remarkably quiet of late and perhaps may be worried that anything he says will be taken out of context after the word “Smash” was misconstrued by some to mean that the team assembled was going to be the best in the league. The mood at the club is now one of caution and the austerity message from the manager to expectant supporters is that “reality must kick in” – which coincidentally is the same message that many unimpressed supporters were hoping would reach their chairman if the team continued to serve up such sterile performances.

The noises coming from the club with regard to finances seems to indicate they will not be throwing money at their number one objective of achieving promotion. It appears there will be no transfer window splurge as the object of the exercise in January will now be to balance the books instead – though not the kind of book balancing you’d normally find in a finishing school as Boro’s ungainly posture in the market is unlikely to be improved by walking upright with a weighty tome of potential targets on their head. As far as I’m aware, there is little evidence to suggest any of the recent debutants at Boro have ever set foot inside a finishing school of any description – in fact I suspect if they did they may possibly risk being expelled.

Incidentally, finishing schools are no longer the exclusive Swiss destination for social-climbing young ladies needing to brush up on their etiquette in order to impress potential well-to-do husbands. Not at all, modern finishing schools are now even aiming to attract men too – with one such institution at the 15th century Lickleyhead Castle in the Scottish highlands advertising that they aim to teach students how to stand, sit and walk with elegance and poise while honing their skills in public speaking, improving dress sense and making small talk.

It actually sounds like it may be something for our own rough-round-the-edges Tony given his reported problem with sitting elegantly in press conferences – plus I’m sure he could also improve his dress sense by being persuaded to ditch his trademark baseball cap. Though presumably that small talk class will hopefully include tips to young women on how to delicately explain to potential husbands that being a graduate of Lickleyhead is not in fact a euphemism. Nevertheless, the school claim to cover important tasks like ironing shirts, sewing on buttons, self defence and basic first aid. It all sounds very useful but it’s not immediately clear what kind of extreme ironing also requires self defence – not unless of course you ruin your wife’s best party dress by adding a few interesting melted triangular features while watching the footy.

In a final act of irony, perhaps Tony Pulis will one day set up a finishing school in his beloved Swiss Alps where students learn to walk tall and improve their poise while standing around waiting for one of those many famous crosses he so enjoys counting. At least the lone strikers should learn how to be experts in small talk as they pass the time chatting with opposition defenders: “Excuse me, you wouldn’t have happened to have seen any of my team-mates around here lately? They promised to join me in the box but that was half-an-hour ago”. No doubt getting an equally courteous reply from the opposition centre-half “Sorry mate, you’re the only one in a red shirt I’ve seen today – besides I think you have to leave now as your bench is holding your number up”.

Although, there is a sense that Boro have decided to live within their means in recent years and the chairman now in his sixties is not as keen on throwing around his money as he was in his exuberant youth. The total spend in our season in the Premier League was estimated in a post-season Gazette article to be around £100m, which was more or less the same as the prize money awarded – meaning most of our turnover of around £20-30m could be seen as profit. Last season we may have spent big but the net spend on transfers was (depending on exact figures) only £5-8m – plus we had £47m parachute payments and perhaps again around £20-30m in turnover. I suspect all quite a modest spending by current Championship standards.

The summer dealing in 2018, as listed by the website Transfermarkt, show the club received around £43m from sales (Adama £18m, Gibson £15.2m, Bamford £7.1m, Fabio £1.8m and Barragan £0.9m) with purchases coming in at just over £19m (Flint £7.2m, Saville £7m and McNair £5.1m) – which gives a profit on spending of around £24m. Boro also received a parachute payment of £35m and again will probably have a turnover in the £20-30m range – it means essentially the club had a headline income this season of around £100m and have so far spent £19m on transfers. It would be surprising if the loans, wage bill and operating costs were as much as £80m, so it’s a little surprising to hear Pulis say he must now balance spending in January – especially as he claimed just before Christmas: “We’re now £30m in profit… we had to take some tough decisions in respect of the finances off the pitch.”

It’s not immediately apparent why the belt had to be tightened, though it could just be that the club are simply planning on the basis of being in the Championship next season without parachute payments and it may mean only committing to only temporary loan signings. The question may be that selling players like Assombalonga in January might see a larger price realised than in the summer. The problem appears to be that other clubs will prefer to take our players like Gestede or Braithwaite on loan rather than buy them. Overall, it feels like Boro have squandered their parachute payment seasons by acquiring over-valued players who have neither performed to the price tag or retained that value – it may also be that these players and those who have been at the club since the previous promotion are on wages that can’t be sustained in the Championship next season.

Interestingly, if that were the case then it would seem sensible to start building a side around the promising youngsters rather than potentially sidelining them by bringing in loan players who may take quite a while to get up to speed – especially given the lack of pitch time some purported targets have. It appears the club have become cautious both on and off the pitch and are hoping this unadventurous low-risk approach will ultimately see them better the opposition. The bigger risk is that this will not galvanise the supporters and the club will lose momentum as it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy of creating a stable Championship club for the long term.

New Year’s day sees Boro make the trip to the Midlands to face Frank Lampard’s Derby, with a late double at Norwich seeing them edge the Canaries 4-3 and stay level on points with Tony Pulis’s team. Since the reverse fixture at the end of October, which finished 1-1 thanks to that late Jayden Bogle own-goal that cancelled out George Friend’s earlier one, the Rams have not fared particularly well on home soil. A 3-1 victory over Garry Monk’s Birmingham was followed up with a 3-0 defeat at the hands of Villa and then a 2-1 win against Swansea has only seen two subsequent draws against Forest and Bristol. Boro have picked up quite a decent haul of 20 points on the road this season and have only lost at Norwich and QPR. Whether they can keep a clean sheet against Derby may determine if Boro can add to that impressive tally.

Saturday offers a break from the stresses of keeping up the promotion challenge as they enter the third round of the FA Cup with a home tie against Peterborough United. Although, following defeat to Burton in the quarter-final of the Carabao Cup, Boro supporters will not be overly confident of progress to the next round – especially as Posh are similarly placed in 5th place in League One, three points behind Sunderland and seven from the automatic promotion spots. Just like Tuesday’s opponents Derby, Peterborough also scored four in their last game at Accrington but unlike the Rams they kept a clean sheet. We can perhaps console ourselves that they’ve only won three of their last ten games – though they’ve also only lost two of those.

Peterborough are managed by former Rotherham boss Steve Evans, who left the The Millers to become head coach at Leeds, where he lasted just over six months under trigger-happy chairman Massimo Cellino. He then spent 15 months in charge of League Two side Mansfield before taking up the job at Posh. We would normally expect Tony Pulis to utilise his squad for a game against lower-league opposition but much may depend on the outcome against Derby. The Boro manager will not want to lose another home game against League One opposition as his standing with the Riverside faithful is probably at its weakest since he arrived. Perhaps we’ll see both managers making many changes as the name of the game is promotion and the romance of the cup has become more of a swipe left in comparison to making the right moves in the league.

Championship 2018-19: Week 22

Wed 26 Dec – 15:00: Boro v Sheff Wed
Sat 29 Dec – 15:00: Boro v Ipswich

As is traditional at this time of year, people look to their leaders to speak directly to them with words of wisdom that reflect on what has passed and carry them into another year with hope. Thankfully, even the Queen has taken time out of her busy schedule looking after her great-grandchildren to pass on her thoughts on her personal social media Christmas broadcast. Though few Boro followers were anticipating she’d have much to say about the pressing problems occupying their minds – such as whether the experienced Tony Pulis was still the right man to take them forward.

Anyway, after the usual rousing intro of her ‘lead us victorious’ tune the gracious Queen began “Some cultures believe a long life brings wisdom”. It was probably at this point that many of those watching on Teesside stopped wondering what had happened to the last coffee cream and instead stared at the TV in expectation that the monarch was about to speak profoundly to her people. Her Majesty then teased her audience by adding “I’d like to think so” – obviously this slightly sarcastic tone meant she didn’t think a long life necessarily brought wisdom and it seemed to affirm to a few it was a less than subtle dig at Tony Pulis’s long career in football.

Nevertheless she continued: “Perhaps part of that wisdom is to recognise some of life’s baffling paradoxes…” – exactly but where do we start with that one! Surely the 92-year old sage wasn’t about to reveal to the nation some of Boro’s baffling team selections and the paradox of why some players have been dropped for scoring goals. OK, maybe royal intervention on the matter was perhaps long overdue but what followed next was perhaps a little more cryptic than some had hoped to hear as she surprised us with “…such as the way human beings have a huge propensity for good, and yet a capacity for evil.”

Well, say what you like about the Boro manager but is it too early to label him as an evil genius in pursuit of perceived footballing perfection? The signs were perhaps there but surely he’s still a force for good? A little misguided maybe and I’m not at all sure if the Queen has called this one correctly. Though in some ways, I can see why some would regard anti-football as heading towards the path of evil – it certainly ticks the soul destroying box and tends to take advantage of the faithful.

Anyway, what more could our head of state tell us: “Even the power of faith, which frequently inspires great generosity and self-sacrifice, can fall victim to tribalism.” Many at the Riverside are definitely with her on the self-sacrifice bit – they’ll definitely never get that time back for watching some of those recent performances. It appears when it comes to football, she certainly knows her stuff but could this be a cause of division among those who just want to be inspired by their team. If so, then what is the way forward?

What else could the woman on the stamps offer as a solution as we continue to listen to her carefully chosen words: “Even with the most deeply held differences, treating the other person with respect and as a fellow human being is always a good first step towards greater understanding.” Well, I wasn’t expecting to hear Diasboro house rules in the Queen’s speech but at least she’s added to the debate on Tony Pulis. Still, let’s hope his propensity for good prevails over his capacity for evil – at least until the transfer window opens.

The Boro manager has actually delivered a Christmas message himself to Teesside after taking time out from training over the festive period. He said: “First and foremost I wish everyone health and happiness and say spend as much time as you can with your families. This is a Christian country so we are not just celebrating food, eating, presents; it’s Christ and everything we believe in and that’s important as well. Football-wise we are desperate to win a few games so everyone can go home happy. Merry Christmas.”

Though I’m not completely sure on some of the punctuation on that statement as he could have also meant ‘celebrating food eating’ or even ‘eating presents’ – though I would advise against eating any present before first unwrapping them. We should also encourage parents to carefully read any packaging before giving it to children – especially after hearing that a girl in Shropshire only discovered on day 12 that her ‘weird-tasting’ green chocolates in her Garfield advent calendar was in fact meant for cats and were flavoured with yoghurt and catnip. Though it does raise the question of who knew cats could read numbers and indeed actively celebrated Christmas.

It was interesting that Pulis had been openly religious with his message and even mentioned Christ – coincidentally, even the atheists among the faithful on Teesside have increasing found themselves mentioning Jesus Christ while watching Boro games over recent week – sometimes even out loud, indeed very loud! It’s not necessarily a sign of conversion as unlike the Boro manager many are struggling to see the light – let alone the Holy Trinity of three points. Although Tony Pulis could yet be inspired by the Pope’s Christmas message – especially the line “Without the fraternity that Jesus Christ has bestowed on us even our best plans and projects risk being soulless and empty.” However, I believe when all the Geordies went to Rome to hear the Pope he apparently asked who was that team they call the Boro – unless it was fake news.

A bumper crowd of over 30,000 is expected on Boxing Day at the Riverside as Boro host Sheffield Wednesday. The game marks the one year anniversary of Tony Pulis, which coincidentally was due to Garry Monk being sacked following victory over the Owls just before Christmas last year. Steve Gibson appears to have decided against making it a festive tradition to part with his manager but not so his Wednesday counterpart, Dejphon Chansiri, who once again kindly allowed his manager to spend Christmas with his family after the sad-looking Dutchman, Jos Luhukay, was dismissed last week. Steve Bruce is now favourite to be sacked by the Thai owner shortly before Christmas next year if the bookies are to be believed.

The Owls are the first team that Boro will play a return fixture against but it’s only ten games since that 2-1 victory at Hillsborough. Besic and Britt scored either side of the interval to take a comfortable lead before a late Adam Reach strike saw Tony Pulis’s side hanging on for the three points. Jos Luhukay only managed one victory since that game, losing six and drawing two before getting the hook – Wednesday actually won their last game 1-0 against Preston under caretaker Lee Bullen. Given the Riverside will be packed with supporters looking to continue their festive mood, it will be important that Boro put on a decent show. The question is whether Pulis will pick a team that will be a crowd pleaser – we only know that Downing was excused the trip to Reading in order to be fresh for the two home games. I suspect many of those turning up will also want to see Wing and Tavernier get a start but the Boro manager may decide too much cheer may be too much to digest.

On paper Wednesday on Wednesday should be three points for the taking but Boro are probably fancied by most to make hard work of matters – even on public holidays. However, Saturday sees another struggling team arrive at the Riverside for the last game of 2018 as bottom club Ipswich trundle into town. The Tractor Boys are ploughing a lonely furrow indeed and have harvested just one win in their last ten games. Things are looking bleak for recently appointed Paul Lambert’s side and their interest in acquiring Rudy Gestede to fire them to safety may not be the most cunning of plans. In the reverse fixture back at the beginning of October, Mo Besic also opened the scoring, which was followed by a rare goal from Stewart Downing to take all three points. It may be that Pulis hopes the Bosnian will be inspired this week to rediscover his form but has unfortunately flattered to deceive this season in his second spell.

Boro have a great chance to unwrap six points and put themselves back in contention for an automatic spot before the January transfer window opens. The problem for Tony Pulis as he celebrates his one year in charge at Boro is that failure to win or even perform against two struggling teams will have many supporters starting to make their mind up on his tenure. The Boro boss needs to convince on the pitch as at the end of the day (as they say in football parlance) tough talk off the pitch is just empty words if they not backed up by actions.

Championship 2018-19: Week 21

Tue 18 Dec – 19:45: Boro v Burton (EFL Cup)
Sat 22 Dec – 15:00: Reading v Boro

With the stench of defeat still hanging in the despondent air of Teesside, it has thankfully become traditional at this time of year to mask the smell of the one you love with a gift of a little bottle of something fragrant. Still unsure of how to recapture that sweet smell of victory again, Boro followers are starting to wondering how their team has been thrown off the scent of the promotion trail. When Marcel Proust said “Perfume is that last and best reserve of the past, the one which when all out tears have run dry, can make us cry again”, he obviously wasn’t aware of the emotional state experienced by long-suffering Boro supporters in search of lost time.

However, it’s unlikely that any of the great perfumeries in France would be able to capture that essence of expected failure with a slight hint of misplaced optimism and a sharp over-powering whiff of deja vu – let alone bottle it. Although when it come to bottling it, I suspect that could be more effectively undertaken at somewhere local. Nevertheless, many will be coerced by endless meaningless marketing campaigns of vacant whispering unattainable souls before ultimately deciding the new delightfully-sounding fragrance from Christian Dior called ‘Poison Girl’ was on reflection possibly not the most sensible gift for their wife – not unless they were planning on employing a food tester for Christmas lunch.

Finding that elusive fragrance that best encapsulates your identity is no easy matter, which is presumably why it took quite a long time before Gary Gill and Adrian Bevington opted for ‘Eternity’ as they waited and waited to hear for their main targets to get back to them. Though following their recent performances, some supporters have already pointed the blame and would perhaps have chosen the ‘Guilty’ range from Gucci instead – though the jury is still out on whether it should be ‘Guilty Absolute’ and if their complete shower gel would even revitalise them. Still, I suspect Tony Pulis will be hoping his players have applied a liberal amount of Givenchy’s ‘Play Intense’ before they waft onto the pitch.

Though to be fair, being relieved of large sums of money for over-priced goods is not just the preserve of Boro’s recruitment department – it is in fact what drives the spirit of Christmas for the struggling retail industry. We’ve all heard stories of equally inept shoppers who resort to frequenting department stores to seek last-minute ‘expert’ advice from well-groomed artificially tanned shop assistants with unfeasibly long manicured nails, who are sadly physically incapable of gift-wrapping purchases any better than a badly co-ordinated five-year old child due to the handicap of having rendered their fingers useless. After nodding blankly at every suggestions put forward, a few unhappy consumers will eventually claim to have heard of Paco Rabanne and some may even insist to have it on good authority that he’s is actually on Boro’s radar this January – before arguing that Calvin Klein sounds unlikely to reach the heights of what is deemed a Tony Pulis player. Yes,it’s this level of ignorance that usually fuels the rumour mills of the tabloid press.

Other than hoping for a big Brut up front in his Boro Christmas stocking, I’d expect Tony Pulis himself might prefer to receive a more traditionally masculine fragrance this festive period. Perhaps something a little old school that signifies “the mark of a man” in Old Spice is probably more his style – though as the uplifting music of Carmina Burana starts to fill his head in anticipation, the only surfer he’s likely to smell like in the coming weeks is the one who’s been up all night in a cold sweat desperately searching on the internet for players who fit the new low budget profile. For those who missed the bombshell that Boro will no longer be chasing players with eight-figure price-tags, Pulis has claimed the club should instead target up-and-coming footballers that cost only a few hundred grand and then look to sell them on for several million.

This reversal of strategy sounds like a great idea on paper but can anyone outside Millwall actually realistically expect to find a buyer for a player bought for a few hundred thousand and then quoted at £7-8m a matter of months later. The reality of this model is possibly only built on hindsight and is quite probably random in nature. For a start I suspect no club would knowingly sell a player for next to nothing if they thought the they had a multi-million pound asset on their books. Quoting anecdotal examples like N’Golo Kante, who were bought cheap and sold on for a massive profit will conveniently ignore the vast majority who weren’t. It sounds like a model akin to buying a lottery ticket – someone will occasionally hit the jackpot but not something to plan your future on.

Besides, what you actually need to bring players with potential though the system is a manager determined to give them a run in his team. Just how many will make the leap forward is hard to say but at what point do you decide to play them and how many? Possibly two or three a season and maybe after two or three years one may attract the kinds of big offers being muted. Then you essentially lose one of your best players and have to hope there’s another youngster ready to step up or you’re forced to re-invest the cash. It doesn’t sound like a model for both moving the team forward and making money – plus where does that sit with the reality of Tony Pulis as Boro manager? It’s been normally the tried and tested who he turns to first.

Having said all that, it sounds like the plan for January is going to be the former one of splashing the cash on something that, at least in the eyes of Pulis, is closer to the finished article. The Boro manager is still keen to bring in pace and power to replace the loss of Adama Traore – some even suggest the under-used Wolves bench-warmer may be available for a return but I suspect the numbers wouldn’t add up. Although with regard to possible targets, Pulis declared last week “We’ve got feelers out, and we know what we want – we’re trying to get the best we can possibly get, but if we can’t, we can’t.”

Hopefully those are not the same kind of feelers some insects use as they wander around in the dark hoping to stumble across an incapacitated daddy longlegs – we certainly don’t need any more of those. All of which doesn’t sound like the club are any closer than they were in the summer in finding those elusive pacey wide players – perhaps we should be once more gearing ourselves up for deadline day disappointment as deals for Albert Adomah and Jason Puncheon fall through again.

Though as our automatic promotion hopes begin to look like they’ve gone for a Burton, this week at least sees Boro with a decent chance of making the semi-finals of the dead buffalo cup. After seeing off top-flight reserve opposition in the previous round, Boro avoided all the Premier league big guns in the draw and were rewarded with a home tie against the last remaining League One outfit. While we shouldn’t take Burton Albion lightly, it presents the club with a golden opportunity to dream of playing at Wembley again – providing we’re drawn against Spurs in the semi’s of course.

It would be pointless at this stage to field a weakened team, so hopefully Tony Pulis will make several changes to the starting XI from the one selected at the weekend. Though in truth the Boro manager is struggling at the moment to decide what his best team actually is and he could inadvertently select a stronger line-up by accident. We may perhaps see Lonergan in goal instead of Dimi as it’s possibly his turn again and Danny Batth and Fry could in theory be given the nod in central defence. Clayton could be rested with possibly Leadbitter getting another run out, with Besic and the youth of Wing and Tavernier also likely to start.

As to who plays up front? Well Pulis couldn’t quite decide at the weekend so eventually ended up fielding all three of his fit strikers with Hugill flanked by Assombalonga and Fletcher. I suspect we’ll not see Britt on the left again after Pulis admitted it didn’t work but current noises from the Boro camp is that lesser spotted Martin Braithwaite will feature. The Boro manager will be more than aware that defeat in the quarter-finals at the hands of lower-league opposition on home soil will not go down well with the Riverside faithful – Christmas cheer may be short supply if that prevailed and some supporters will start to scent blood.

Still, the prospect of another traditional festive double-sacking at Game 23 is not on the cards this year after Reading got their retaliation in early by dismissing Paul Clement a few games earlier. It was in fact his sacking by Swansea a year ago that fuelled speculation that Garry Monk was in line to replace him following his dismissal after the pyrrhic victory at Sheffield Wednesday. However, the Owls took Boro’s lead and showed Carlos Carvalhal the door too and it was instead the Portuguese manager who ended up in charge at the Liberty Stadium – albeit for five months. Although Clement had spared Reading from relegation last season after replacing Jaap Stam in late March, he managed only four wins this term as the Royals looked less than regal as they sat just outside the drop zone on goal difference.

It’s been quite a fall for Reading in the last 18 months as you may recall they finished third in the Championship in 2016-17 but lost out in the play-off final to Huddersfield. Unfortunately Jaap Stam couldn’t build on that finish and managed just two wins in his opening ten games last term as his team struggled to find form. In the corresponding fixture last season, Garry Monk had been busy trying to find his best XI and the likes of Friend, Clayton, Bamford, Adama, Fry, Marvin Johnston and Lewis Baker had all fallen out of favour. The team that took to the field at the Madejski stadium was lead by Grant Leadbitter and actually saw Marcus Tavernier given a start with Assombalonga leading the line and Martin Braithwaite looking to get match fit after missing most of the opening ten games through injury.

Garry Monk was under a lot of pressure before the game after his team had slipped to 13th place following five games without a win. Thankfully, Grant Leadbitter eased the nerves after putting away a penalty on the quarter-hour mark and Assombalonga made the three points safe with a headed goal 15 minutes from the end. It was the start of three successive victories in a week with wins at Hull and a laboured 1-0 victory over Sunderland at the Riverside – with Tavernier scoring the early goal. That sent Boro back into the top six and temporary relief for the beleaguered Boro manager. It didn’t last of course as Monk then lost three of his next four, which perhaps sealed his fate on his Boro tenure.

After going four games without a win, Tony Pulis can ill afford to see his team lose at struggling Reading under caretaker Scott Marshall. In fact, should he suffer another defeat he will reach the 23-game half-way mark with just one more point than Garry Monk did before he was sacked. It’s not the kind of stat that supporters hoping for a return to the Premier league would possibly want to dwell on as they lie awake at night.

Although if you’re looking for a top flight stat to induce insomnia then a rather worrying one recently published reported that 56 per cent of commercial pilots admitted in a survey undertaken by their union to have fallen asleep while being in charge of an airliner – a scary thought indeed but perhaps even more disturbing was of those pilots who admitted to falling asleep, 29 per cent said they woke up to find their co-pilot also asleep. Something to think about next time you get on a Dreamliner!

Anyway, I’m sure there are many Boro followers who are hoping they’ll wake up and find this season was just a bad dream. However, it’s probably not the time to drop the pilot just jet – though he should perhaps at least wake up and smell the coffee. Steve Gibson had invested quite a lot time and energy in persuading Tony Pulis to join the club and wanted him onboard to also tap into his experience. Pulis has been charged with undertaking a complete root and branch assessment of the how the club operates and the Boro manager has claimed he is currently making changes behind the scenes with regard to how they source and recruit players.

Whether Pulis can deliver on and off the pitch is open to debate but I suspect he wasn’t employed as a short-term fix – though the problem for the chairman will come if the patience of the Riverside begins to wane. It may be that once the incensed supporters kick up a stink on the terraces, Steve Gibson may begin to wonder if his latest brand of Boss that he received last Christmas is starting to get up some people’s noses – the question is whether Tony Pulis will linger for as long as he’d hoped for.

Championship 2018-19: Week 20

Sat 15 Dec – 15:00: QPR v Boro

Life in the Premier League nursery, or the Championship as others prefer to call it, is starting to see a few supporters growing tired of the swings and roundabouts in the promotion playground. Many on Teesside have urged that manager Tony Pulis needs to show more adventure in order to be able to climb the table and put the club in the frame for an automatic slot – though it seems many hadn’t anticipated he was about to try out the slide instead. The highs and lows being experienced are starting to look like an unnecessary wobble, with many puzzled supporters still attempting to See what the manager Saw, as the weight of expectation shifts to and fro.

Pulis claims that Boro’s ups and downs in front of goal are mainly down to not being clinical enough and re-iterated last week “I’ve said before, we just need a little bit more quality at the top end of the pitch, so when we get those opportunities and chances, which we do create, we can put them away.” This is possibly an over-simplification of the problems facing Boro in their inability to trouble opposition keepers often enough.

Although even small children in the Family Enclosure at the Riverside can see that our ponderous midfield are perhaps culpable in not providing enough opportunities for the strikers. Even the junior branch of the Red Faction are now reluctant to sing that the wheels on the Boro bus go round and round out of fear that at some point they may also come off. Anticipating such a disaster is all part of their Teesside DNA but surely children should be protected from such vividly-imagined trauma.

Perhaps they could instead innocently remind the boss of what needs to change by singing him a little nursery rhyme as he wanders up and down in his technical area: See Saw why can’t we score, Since Tony has been our new master, The team won’t put their chances away, Unless we can move the ball faster. OK perhaps not the words he might remember from his formative old school days but at least he may be spared a rendition of ‘Three blind mice’ in relation to the shooting prowess of his often preferred midfield trio – while it’s probably not enough to just see how they run, the farmer’s wife may opt against using her club-shop Boro carving knife in case it also proves to be unhelpfully blunt.

Nevertheless, despite Boro’s failure to build on their untypical early-season start, it’s more than likely that Steve Gibson won’t be preparing to throw his toys out his retro Bulkhaul pram any time soon and contemplate whether it’s time to back a different horse on the managerial merry-go-round. After two points from the last three games was a lot less than many had hoped for, it’s probably only regarded as slump territory by those who are suffering from premature over-extrapolation.

Although in many ways the recent dip was largely self inflicted with Pulis opting for major personnel and tactical changes for the trip to Preston instead of building on the momentum of two straight wins either side of the international break. The moment a manager makes the call to rest key players and mix up the organisation on the pitch, he always risks a bit of a knock for taking his eye off the ball and thinking beyond the next game.

Boro went into the game against an in-form Villa somewhat on the back foot after that disjointed performance seeped into the subconscious of the group and meant they didn’t start like a team confident of rising to the challenge. In the end they were second best all over the pitch and uncharacteristic errors from Randolph left Boro deservedly well beaten.

However, the visit of Blackburn offered a chance to get a reaction but after a promising opening ten minutes, Rovers started to pass it around between the Boro lines, which then saw Besic’s untimely interest in the fabric of Bradley Dack’s shirt that consequently left the team a man and a goal down. From that point it was never going to be an easy task but at least the players regrouped and showed that they could raise the intensity of their game. Boro recovered and ultimately showed more application than they had in the previous two games to make and earn a point.

We’ve seen this failure to push on and build on previous wins before but it’s been normally ameliorated by the equal failure of our promotion rivals to capitalise on these stumbles. Unfortunately, leaders Norwich added back-to-back victories to their point at Hull to make it 8 wins from the last 9. Leeds have finally stopped staggering along the road to promotion, arm-in-arm with Boro as they both appeared still drunk on their August points binge and have now returned four consecutive wins since that start. It has left Tony Pulis and his squad suddenly out of the automatic promotion picture as they drop to sixth place and six points behind the top two.

The task ahead for the Boro manager is clear and it appears he’s decided to shuffle through his squad in the hope of finding a trump card that will do the trick in his quest for goals. The aborted recall of Ashley Fletcher, following the dismissal of Besic, is being pencilled in for another reboot this weekend. It seems Pulis is keen to give those on the fringes a chance to prove they still have a role to play – though they must first presumably impress enough to deserve an opportunity. Whether anyone will ultimately keep the shirt they are being temporarily being loaned is uncertain – despite two vital goals, Marcus Tavernier seems to have disappeared just as quickly as he surprisingly appeared.

What price that Britt Assombalonga will be tasked with repeating his wonder goal against Blackburn? Perhaps his subsequent fluffed lines will be held against him but surely the name of the game for strikers is confidence – another goal for Britt may restore his self-belief if not a large chunk of his value in the January window. Although in terms of making Boro a sustainable attacking force, we should perhaps remember what happened in the Premier League and simply ignore wonder goals as an anomaly with goal-of-the-season contenders by Stuani and Gaston Ramirez were the exception rather than the rule. You could argue that if you need an amazing strike to score then something is probably going wrong – though at the risk of being proved wrong, I’m prepared to suffer a few more strikes like the one witnessed against Blackburn.

So, after facing one of their favourite sons at the Riverside in Tony Mowbray, Boro head to Loftus Road on Saturday to be hosted by the man who led them to their first magnificent major trophy. Steve McClaren appears to be back on another roller-coaster ride after being installed as the Hoops manager in mid-May to replace Ian Holloway. The move to the capital made it his tenth managerial appointment since his first post as a number one was presented to him by Steve Gibson.

Although before McClaren could start planning his summer business, he was awaiting a decision on QPR’s appeal regarding the £42m fine imposed on the club for breaching Financial Fair Play rules in their promotion campaign in 2013-14. In the end, an agreement was reached in July where the club would pay £20m (£17m fine plus £3m legal costs) over a ten-year period and convert £22m owed in loans to the owners into equity. In addition, they also accepted a transfer ban for the January 2019 window. All of which means essentially just an annual £2m payment that is not included in overall permitted spending – hardly much of a handicap or deterrent for those looking at possibly emulating their over-indulgence in a bid for the top tier.

Nevertheless, McClaren was given no money to spend in the summer and instead brought in 8 players on free transfers and acquired 3 more on loan. QPR’s start was in stark contrast to that of Boro’s as our former manager presided over four straight defeats with an unlucky 13 goals conceded in the process – including that 7-1 thrashing at West Brom. The goals may have been raining down but Steve wasn’t contemplating reaching for his brolly just yet and his team recovered to what is regarded as promotion-winning form with 20 points from the next 30. Unfortunately, the recent form of the Hoops appears to have dipped again as despite scoring 10 in their last six games, they have only won once after conceding 12.

McClaren can perhaps at least console himself this week that his position as the country’s most notorious brolly brandisher since Mary Poppins was recruited by the Bulgarians to see off a dissident has finally been usurped by Theresa May. As the media desperately searched for a metaphor to demonstrate the deluge of criticism she was facing, the PM was snapped looking miserable whilst holding an umbrella in the pouring rain. If Mrs May had been a devoted football follower like her predecessor, she would have known that those in charge should never risk curse of been photographed under an umbrella.

However, this metaphor was soon superseded after Theresa May was filmed trapped in the back of her ministerial car as the driver struggled to unlock the door while Angela Merkel waited patiently on the red carpet to greet her in Berlin. The Guardian helpfully reminded us that Michael Gove had said in the referendum campaign that the UK remaining in the EU would be “like being held hostage in the back of a car” – as it seems is leaving the EU too.

Although, staying clear of football altogether is perhaps the best advice to the country’s leaders after a gammon-faced David Cameron scored a spectacular own-goal when his football fan fakery was exposed when he forgot which claret-shirted team he supported and became a Hammer instead of a Villain. Perhaps only Tony Blair gained political capital with regard to football with his unfeasibly long game of head tennis with Kevin Keegan, which became one of the most iconic political photo opportunities ever staged. The stunt enthralled the country so much that Blair was forced to produce a dodgy dossier and invade Iraq just to be viewed as a normal politician again.

Keegan of course had form on such matters, some may even unfortunately remember the bizarre photo-op when he was persuaded along with Emlyn Hughes to kiss the newly elected prime minister Margaret Thatcher on the steps of Downing Street ahead of the 1980 European Championships. As Mrs Thatcher stood there posing with the squad in a rather prim dress holding a football, Hughes apparently quipped “I bet you wish you could grab hold of Arthur Scargill’s balls like that” – in stark contrast to her look of bemusement, roars of laughter ensued from the players.

Though Keegan was seemingly quite fond of prime ministers as he also presented Thatcher’s less exciting grey successor John Major with a black and white Newcastle shirt to presumably compliment his monochrome manner. Perhaps if Theresa May intends to make one more desperate bid for popularity then it may be time for her to don the Gareth Southgate waistcoat of likability – though let’s hope we don’t eventually see Jacob Rees-Mogg being ushered into office by street urchins doffing their Tony Pulis style caps in deference.